Renewed Energy

I'm feeling good. I'm on CD4 and feeling like this could be the month. I made the decision that we will move forward with the 100 mg dosages of Clomid this month, and I start tomorrow. The only thing I am planning to change is how much BDing we do between CD10-17. I know the instructions (and my Doctor) tell me to BD every-other day between these days after taking Clomid CD5-9, but I think what has happened in the past two months is that we've depleted Mr. D's reserves. By the time I peak and O around CD19-20, he doesn't have much more to give. And I've learned by using my trusty CBFM that I O later than the average CD14. So, time will tell what this month brings, but I think we will start the every-other day BD process around CD14 or 15.

I've been reading a ton. I have found online comfort in reading about others' experiences, and although I never wish upon anyone that they are in the same situation as us, there is a piece of me that is finding comfort in knowing that it's not just us. There are so many women who struggle with the same questions, feelings, and emotions... and document them the same way I am. The TTC community is pretty amazing... there are so many wonderful support networks, encouraging couples, and sources of knowledge. I hope we graduate to the "Expecting Parents Club" soon (this month, Lord?? Please?!), but in the meantime am feeling a renewed spirit this month. I know our time will come when we will be parents - we just need to keep having patience, keep trying, and believe.

And, it's a wash.

AF arrived today. Right on time. Was totally expecting her, after cramps and "the feeling" of getting my period arrived yesterday. What I didn't expect was the emotion that came with her this time - wiping me out completely. Spent lots of time in the bathroom today at work - crying and trying to put myself together. Man, this is tough.

But - forge ahead, right? After a phone call to my Doctor to share the lovely news, she prescribed Clomid again. This time, 100 mgs., which is double the dosage I've been on, and I've read is pretty strong. I already warned Mr. D to be kind and stay at a distance. If it doesn't work this month, we get to face some pretty exciting tests: sperm analysis, sonogram, and a dye test where I drink some fluid and they ultrasound my ovaries and fallopian tubes to make sure nothing is blocked. They recommended getting this appointment on calendar so that we're ready to go if we fail at TTC yet again this month. How's that for optimism? But I know they are just trying to be prepared. So, we have an appointment on June 30. Best case scenario would be that our appointment turns into an early ultrasound after finding out we've been successful and have conceived.

So, here we go again. I have mixed feelings. About Clomid, about trying again, about this whole fertility monitor thing, about everything. I'm not questioning how much I want a baby, but just so worn out of the process that it's absolutely draining for me to keep putting on the happy face and being optimistic. Mr. D is being that person for me - telling me already that this will be the month, we just have to have faith. And I agree with him. But I'm worn out. My body, brain, and emotions are just exhausted. Some might say, "take the month off, then," but I would be too worried that we missed a prime opportunity. We aren't getting any younger! So, it is with this thought that I accept the challenge of TTC. Here we go!

Here's to the next month. Please pray for us that this is the last we are trying to TTC and that we are successful with a sticky baby this month. I know that's what I'll be praying.

... and waiting, and waiting.....

Still holding out hope. No AF yet. Man, does this 2ww play tricks on you. I've had all of the early symptoms: tender chest, headaches, tired, lightheaded, stuffy nose, etc. But I wonder how much I read into those things. Maybe I am imagining that those symptoms are worse than ever when really it's nothing out of the ordiinary.

I should be expecting AF today or tomorrow. I resisted a HPT this morning, and probably will resist tomorrow, too. If nothing by Thursday, I might take another and see where we're at. Hoping for that + :)

The Waiting Game

Sunday. 10 DPO. My CBFM started flashing "m" this morning, and I almost shed a tear. I know there's still hope for this cycle, but not sure the chances. Three HPTs this morning resulted in negative. AF is supposed to show up on Tuesday or Wednesday, so I will keep my head up. It's just so hard staying optimistic if it's a bust this month. I will be so emotional.

But... on the optimistic front, my boobs (nips) really hurt, and no sign yet of AF, so I know it's still a possibility. I know this is out of my hands, and I need to be patient and trust that He will figure this out for us, but what a rollercoaster. I am exhausted!

Here's to keepin' the faith... (isn't that a country song?!)...

:)

Saturday - 9 DPO

Ugh. Negative. My anticipation and excitement totally canned within 2 minutes after looking at that pee stick this morning.

Maybe it's too early? Maybe I'll get a positive tomorrow?

Or maybe I'm not pregnant.

My boobs have hurt all week, and little pregnancy symptoms you read about online have been happening, but I am sure I've just been reading into my body a little too much.

Still keeping the faith for a BFP in the next few days. Tonight we have dinner with my friend who has 2 kids, and another couple who is pregnant with their first. I am exhausted of feeling happy for other people when I want to literally burst into tears. Sounds selfish, I know, but I just don't know if I can handle it emotionally. I am wiped out.

Still keepin' the faith... either a BFP or AF will show up in the next few days...

2ww

Does anyone actually wait the full two weeks prior to checking for a BFP? Seriously. I mean, the 2ww is torture :) All you want to know is... am I or not? (Think of the First Response HPT television commerical here, where the lady with the bown short hair is leaning on her hand, and has this serene, serious look into the camera as the voice over questions, "Pregnant? ---LONG PAUSE--- or not?" Cracks me up every time.)

So, as if you haven't guessed, I am officially on the 2ww. And, man, is it tough not to pull out one of those HPTs and dip it into a Dixie cup full of my pee. HPTs are addictiing! I am really bad... last month, I tested 6 different HPTs, starting on 4 DPO. I know better than to test 4 days after the big O, but I got so excited. It didn't help that one of my best friends told me, "You should totally start testing. I got a BFP at 3 DPO." Not sure if she miscounted, or truly did see a positive on 3 DPO, but statistics show that is pretty rare. I found an awesome website: http://www.countdowntopregnancy.com/ that shows statistics of how many pregnant women actually got a BFP and on what day DPO it showed up positive. It helped me understand that, yeah, I probably need to wait until at least 9 DPO. Saves money and heartache.

This time, I am really challenging myself. NO HPTs UNTIL NEXT SATURDAY. There. I've said it, so now I need to hold myself accountable to it. Next Saturday is 10 DPO, so hopefully I will see a slight-to-definite positive line... that is, assuming, hoping, and praying that I am indeed pregnant.

Did everything in our power to conceive... BD'ed strategically as much as we could without feeling like Mr. D had little to no more to give.

It's up to the Lord now. Please, God, grant us this miracle.

PEAK!

Whoo-hoo! My lovely CBFM showed me a peak this morning! BD'ed last night, this morning before work, and will again tonight. And probably once more tomorrow night as a final hurrah. Last month, I think I O'ed on Day 20, because I confirmed ovulation through a blood test at 10am on Day 21. So... if history repeats itself (which, in fertility, it's supposed to), I should have ovulated last night or today.

Keeping fingers crossed!

The Ovulation Cheer

Yes, that's right. A cheer. Totally my style, coming from a long history of participating in and coaching dance and cheer teams. I need a little pick me up, so here it goes.....

Just kidding. I woudn't really write a cheer to encourage my body to ovulate. But, boy, am I thinking about it. It's day 17, and I should be O'ing any minute now. Most women O around Day 14 or so, but through this whole process, I've learned that I ovulate kind of late.

Feeling a ton of pressure and cramps. Mr. D and I have been BD'ing for 3 straight days. Being on Clomid, my Dr. told me to BD at least every other day from Days 10-17, which I did, but now I'm looking back and thinking that I should have waited until Day 15 or so. Oh, well.

Plan will be to BD tonight, hope for a "Peak" tomorrow on my CBFM (I will be shocked if it still shows "High"), BD again tomorrow night, and maybe once more on Thursday night for good measure. That'll be sure to wear Mr. D out. :)

Keeping my fingers crossed and prayers to Saint Anne plentiful!

Another One Joins the Club

I helped my sister-in-law host a baby shower today for her best friend. I knew it would be hard for me personally to so badly want to be in her place, but I needed to put all of that aside and be completely focused on the mom-to-be. She is going to be such a great mom and I am so excited for her. I was happy to be helping and excited to support the momma-to-be.

So, I arrive an hour early, per the request of my sister-in-law, to help her and the other two co-hosts to set up. One of these two is pregnant - expecting her second. As I am asking her, "So, how are you feeling? Getting excited? Is your daughter excited to have a sibling?", the other co-host - an acquaintence/friend - whom I've known for years tells me, "Today is Katie's day [Katie is the person who the shower was honoring], and I don't want to steal the excitement away from Katie, but I wanted to tell you that I'm pregnant, too!"

So many mixed emotions. Of course, outwardly, I was thrilled for her. I asked a lot of questions, smiled, and told her "congrats" so many times I knew she knew that I was truly happy for her. And I am. But deep down, that horrible twinge of jealousy that I've felt for the past 2 years when I find out someone I know is expecting, crept up worse than ever.

I need to stop wearing the "poor me/why can't it be me" hat, and I know that. I never show that emotion outwardly, except to Mr. D. And he's so comforting.

I just keep praying that we will be blessed. We are ready. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally, financially... you name it. I know it will happen in time. Let's just hope this month is our time :)

And so, as another one of my girl friends joins the mommy-to-be club, I am still hopeful that I will ovulate this cycle, we will conceive, and I will carry a baby that will stick.

Day 14... high ovulation days (5 in a row), and just waiting for that peak to show up on my CBFM. BD'ing a lot :)

Don't worry, friends, I just know I will get to join the club soon.

I *heart* my CBFM

One of the best purchases I made a few months ago was my ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor (CBFM). After months of spending $35 per month on a box of disposable ovulation sticks/OPKs (I literally think I went through 8 boxes), and after my miscarriage, it was game on. I wanted the best. And for $199, my CBFM and a box of 30 test sticks was mine.

CBFM has a test window of 6 hours. Selecting and setting my optimal test time at 6:30 a.m. means I can take the test anytime between 3:30 a.m. and 9:30 a.m. My body automatically wakes up at 6:30 or so - no matter the day of the week.

Last month was my first month using it. I was also on Clomid, which can mean that you can get more "high" fertility days than someone not taking Clomid. I learned something very interesting with this monitor that I was never able to detect through BBT or my disposable OPKs. I ovultate very late - my "peak" fertility status (meaning I am at my most fertile point of the month) showed up on Day 19 and 20. I wasn pretty thankful that I even saw a "peak" - this meant that the monitor detected a surge and that I likely ovulated (later confirmed on Day 21 by a blood test at my Doctor). The only bummer is that the monitor asked me to test 20 times... usually, during a cycle, the CBFM will only request 10 tests. Last month, CBFM prompted me to start testing on Day 6. So, by Day 16 (10 tests later), I had seen "high" fertility, but not "peak".

I am on Day 7 of this cycle, and the CBFM hasn't requested me to start testing yet, so it must be using my pattern of history to project when I will need to start testing (later in my cycle this time).

It's a pretty slick tool. I'll admit, I almost jump out of bed around testing time to turn it on and see what it displays for the day. When I got a "peak" last month, I about tackled Mr. D in bed with excitement. :)

Here's to "peak" fertility days!