Some Comic Relief

Mr. D went in for his big show this afternoon. Poor guy. I was rolling laughing when I received an e-mail today around 2 p.m. that had a subject line of "Mission Completed."

When I got Mr. D on the phone, he quickly, ever-so-kindly, reminded me that I didn't give him the testing orders from my Doctor. Basically, with the testing orders, he could have walked in, been given a cup in 2 seconds, and proceeded.

I TOTALLY forgot about the testing orders. My Doctor had recommended he complete the test months ago... right around the time of my miscarriage, to be able to confirm or deny Mr. D's connection to the reason we're not able to conceive and carry. I remember her saying, "Make SURE you bring the testing orders along so that the process goes smoothly and you can get right in." Mr. D was at that appointment, too, so how both of us forgot, I am not sure.

So, what could have been a 2 minute check-in process for Mr. D turned into a big ordeal at the lab. They needed to confirm his identity, set him up as a patient, and get all of his stuff figured out. With a stern face as we were driving home from work, he tells me that the nurse had to call the central office, provide his name, and keep repeating the fact that he was there for a "semen analysis for infertility" in front of all of the patients and nurses.

I felt so bad, but was totally laughing. How freaking hilarious is that?! I can totally see this happening - right in front of other people and nurses who were like, "ooooh, I wonder what that's all about."

I kept reminding him that guys go in there all the time and to the nurse staff, you are just another face. They deal with this stuff all the time. But I still couldn't stop from giggling.

Big day for me tomorrow... wish us luck!

And, That's All She Wrote in the Month of June

Well, the waiting is over. AF delivered her monthly gift this afternoon, officially leaving me scratching my head and wondering, "seriously, what the hell is going on?" We did EVERYTHING right - again - this month.

I'm not even upset. Okay, well, I take that back. I am upset. But not even close to how upset I've been in past months. I'm fed up at this point - I am feeling SO DONE with this whole TTC thing. It makes me sick.

Tuesday and Wednesday are important days in our whole TTC journey. Tomorrow, Mr. D faces the one thing he has been absolutely dreading... the semen analysis. And I don't blame him - I actually feel bad for him (that is, until I remember the months and months of peeing on sticks, timing sex, and living my life according to my CBFM and Excel spreadsheet.... then I don't feel quite as bad). But, nonetheless, I am sure it has to be super awkward to walk in, ask for a cup, and try to make it happen with a few magazines with naked chicks. He doesn't even want to talk about it.

So, that's tomorrow. Then, on Wednesday comes the fun appointment for me. I called my nurse to ask her what I should expect, and I guess it will be kind of like a consultation. Mr. D and I meet with my Doctor (who I just found out is 5 months pregnant... my nurse told me that last week during our phone conversation, and I was thinking, "oh, lovely... one more to add to the list") and talk through our "options." I think I'm the pro of knowing what my options are, so I am pretty sure they will offer us the following:

1. Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) recommendation - which is great, and I would love to see an RE for help. I'm just curious if our insurance is going to cover it, given not all medical matters of fertility are (being able to conceive is viewed as a "nice to have," not a "need to have")...

2. IUI - basically, taking Mr. D's stuff and putting it inside of me during the right time of the month - I am not so keen on this one. Let me explain. I am pretty darn sure we are nailing it on the head with regards to choosing the right time during the month to BD and attempt conception. Through my 3 rounds of Clomid and miscarriage, I know I ovulate (how regularly without the help of Clomid, I am not sure, but I still ovulate... that's what CBFM is for), and was even successful conceiving once, so not sure injecting me with Mr. D's goodies will do any good than just us doing it ourselves.

3. IVF - we are years away from even considering - or being able to afford - this option, but I'm sure it will be put on the table. If you were to ask me right now, I would probably say "no" to IVF, throw away my CBFM forever, and look into adoption.

I am done with Clomid and scared to use any more of it, so I guess I'll see what happens if my Doctor tries to prescribe it to me again. I pray that Mr. D's analysis comes back okay (or better than okay) so that we can concentrate on just me being the "problem." I just have this feeling that something is wrong with my organs, and I just want to know one way or another so we can try to fix it.

So, as this month leaves me with an empty womb yet again, at least we have some help hopefully waiting around the corner. I'll post more after our Doctor appointments once we know what's next.

Until then, peace, love, and baby dust....

I Broke Down...

... and took a HPT.

Negative.

--Sigh--

I'm 9 DPO, and although I am keeping my hopes up (and prayers, and faith, and knowledge that miracles really do happen)...

I can't help but know that this is not a good sign.

Sure, it's still possible, but the reality?

Probably not.

--Tears......--

The Big Wait

Still waiting to take that HPT. I am optimistic. I felt some funny cramps this afternoon... could those have been implantation cramps? I've had a couple of other symptoms, but it's so hard to tell period symptoms from pregnancy symptoms. It's nature's little trick... to make you believe that you are feeling one over the other.

I am going out on Friday with a friend, so am planning to take an HPT on Friday. That will be 10 DPO and I keep thinking about what it will be like if that test shows a +. Oh, glory, would I be a happy girl.

Keep us in your prayers! Three more days to go until test....

The 2ww, Another One is Preggers, Decisions, and more waiting....

Lots is new.

Still on the 2ww. I am now 6 DPO, and fighting the good fight so that I don't start peeing on HPTs too early! Surprisingly, this time around, it's easier. We've been so busy that maybe my mind isn't as occupied. Maybe that's a good thing? Maybe not? Who knows. :)

I learned today that another one of my friends is pregnant with her first. I totally guessed it - she cancelled our lunch 2 weeks ago because she called in sick, and then today, she told me she is 10.5 weeks pregnant. When you are TTC like I am, it's AMAZING how quickly you pick up on others who are pregnant and either not yet showing and/or not yet telling people.

I am so glad I guessed it ahead of time, because before I met her for coffee today, I kept telling myself in my head, "Okay, Mrs. D., if she tells you that she's pregnant, you HAVE to show the excited emotion. You need to be SO EXCITED for her - don't let her think for a moment that you aren't thrilled for her." And I truly AM excited for her. Had I not guessed it before our coffee, I am not sure what my reaction would have been (I am sure I would have been happy, but it would have felt like a knife in my stomach).

It's just that horrible feeling of "why not me?" We've been married so much longer than they have - not that our wedding date makes us any more deserving than others. Mr. D. and I went to her wedding in Chicago in August 2008, and I'm sure people judge the fact that we haven't had children yet. Either they think: 1) you don't want children, or 2) you're having problems trying to get pregnant. I got "the look" from my friend today as I was celebrating her special news at Starbucks. It's almost like people just know...they give me this subtle look, that, to me, screams, "Oh, honey, you're having problems trying to conceive. That must really be rough." Ugh.

As if TTC isn't taking over my life, we are signing papers this weekend to put our house on the market. More to come in this area of my life, but let me just say that we haven't even signed the contract yet, and I am freaking out. What if nobody buys our house? We will know within a few weeks if our house is going to sell - Mr. D and I are prepared to put it on the market at a very low price and pay off the mortgage we owe. It's been a long time saving tons of money, but it's the right decision for us. I just pray it sells!

I seriously pray all the time. With all of these different - crazy - things Mr. D and I are both focused on, I feel guilty asking Him for everything that I want.

Instead, I ask Him for help, strength, and to guide us to make the right decisions and give us the right blessings at the right time. If that means that selling the house is the right decision right now, then I pray that the Lord will help us with that process. If it means giving us a baby, which I have dreamed and prayed for, I know the Lord will give us a child when it is the right time.

If we move forward with putting the house on the market (which is pretty much solidified at this point), I am thinking about what that would mean for my TTC efforts. I am considering taking a break... almost like a leave of absence :) I haven't talked to Mr. D about this, and have no idea what his thoughts are yet.

As I am typing this, I am sitting at my computer in my second bedroom (which I thought would have been our baby's room by now), absolutely bawling, thinking that I will be postponing my dream. But I have learned a lot about myself lately. I don't do well with not being able to get something I plan for. It's never, in my life, happened to me. I wanted a husband.... BAM, I found him. I wanted a kick-ass job in HR... BAM, I got it. I want those new stilettos at the mall... BAM, I buy them. But... I've worked my ass off for everything I've received - don't get me wrong. With hard work comes reward, and I know what I need to do in order to give myself what is yearned.

But this TTC thing is out of my control.

I am exhausted, sad, and empty more than anyone knows. It's been a really rough road, full of ups and downs, and I am really tired in so many ways. The best thing is that I put on such a great face for those around me, who have no idea that I am in so much pain.

So, as I contemplate my next steps, I pray for the following:

- ...that my 2ww will turn into a healthy, beautiful pregnancy, and I will finally have the opportunity to start the family I've prayed for and wanted for so long
- ...that God will watch over us as we make some tough decisions about our house and - if I am not pregnant - about our TTC efforts for the next few months
- ...for my well-being. Nobody in the world - including Mr. D knows how horribly depressing this whole process has been, and the toll it's taken on me as a woman. I am ready to be whole again - whether that be with baby or not.

Thanks for listening. I keep praying that THIS IS THE MONTH!!

Low, low, low, high, high, high... PEAK

It has arrived, my friends. No, not AF (come on now, who would be excited about that?) .... the big O.

CBFM and I had a little heart-to-heart this morning before I peed on a stick and plugged it in. It was basically a plea to my beloved CBFM, hoping that I am not crazy, and those were in fact ovulation cramps yesterday that I was feeling.

I was right. Peak!

Of course, it was a SUPER busy day for me at work today. Since starting my new job 6 weeks ago, I have had pretty much one project... that all culminated with a huge presentation today in front of people who I planned a 3-day meeting for. Lots of important people in attendance, including a couple of high-ups in the field who flew here to participate. My boss, my boss' boss, and my boss' boss' boss were there to support (I mean, critique) me. I was in work by 7 a.m., and just got home now (8 p.m. CST), as there were social hours and dinner after the big day.

The day was awesome. Seriously, I nailed it and my boss was there to witness it. She was thrilled, and I was proud of myself. It was awesome.

But what was I thinking all day during this defining moment in my career?

"I need to get home ASAP to BD. I wonder if I should see if I can somehow go home over lunch and then come back?"

At 7:30 p.m., after dinner with my out-of-town business visitors and team, I race home, wondering the whole ride home how long it will take me to unbutton my pants and slip out of my bra.

I arrive home. Shit. Totally forgot that Mr. D has softball. I couldn't help but laugh - seriously, this whole escapade of planning is crazy!

I just called Mr. D's parents (where our dog is for the day, so I know Mr. D has to stop there before coming home), and told them to have Mr. D call me as soon as he gets there so I know what time he will be home (his cell phone battery died). My father-in-law was like, "Why? Are you okay? What's wrong?" I just shook my head and repeated my request to have Mr. D call.

So, I am at home, waiting patiently for my Mr. D. He knows it's peak, and we have at least one more BD session to do - if not one more tomorrow night. That way, all bases are covered.

Two week wait, here I come.

Insert Foot Here

Call it bad luck, call it coincidence, or call it plain old bad judgement of the conversations I hold. I don't care what you call it, but seriously, I can not get away from women talking about pregnancy.

Not that I mind talking to my friends about it. Truly - and I absolutely mean this when I say - excuse me, type - this... I love hearing from my friends who are expecting or already have babies. I love imagining them as mothers, welcoming their little ones to the world, buying baby gifts, you name it.

But what I can not avoid, for some reason, is women - non-friends - talking to me about pregnancy, childbirth, children, teething, pre-school, and being a mom.

Picture this one. I am sitting with one of my co-workers, C, this afternoon. She is SUPER nice - mid-to-late 30s, beautiful, great body, makes a great living. C has 4 little ones - ages 7, 5, 3, and 1. Two boys and two girls. And she's hilarious. I mean, this girl is always cracking jokes and often laughs about the fact that her life is totally crazy, driven by 4 active kids.

So, we're working on this project together, and we start talking about where she lives. Here was our conversation:

Mrs. D: I know someone who lives in your same town.
C: Oh, really? Who are they?
Mrs. D: You probably don't know them, but... [Mrs. D inserts names and references to people here]. They just had their second baby about 2 weeks ago. Their first kid is almost 6 years old, and it took a lot for them to get pregnant with their second.

Stop here. Damn it. I have no idea why I chose to spurt out that our acquaintences just had a second baby, let alone that it took them awhile to conceive him. I caught myself just as I was ending the sentence. Insert foot into mouth. What happened next was totally appropriate for C's response to my awkward comment, and I knew what C was going to say as soon as I finished my way-too-open-sentence.

Resume conversation:

C: Oh, that just breaks my heart. Why is it that people like me who want to have kids have absolutely no trouble getting pregnant? And I mean absolutely NO trouble... every time we wanted to have a baby, we tried and I was pregnant the next month. Then I hear about people who can't have babies or have a really tough time conceiving, and I feel so bad. My friend had a really tough time getting pregnant and every time I got pregnant, I felt so bad telling her. I know she was always excited for me, but I still felt so bad.

I stared at C for what felt like 20 minutes (I am sure it was about 2 seconds, but you know the feeling when you are in total shock). I have no idea if she has any clue that we are facing issues with infertility - but then I look at our situation from an outsider's perspective and think, "they've been married 4 years, always wanted kids, are in a really good place in their lives.... yeah, they must be having problems."

I kind of said a quick, "yeah, that is too bad" and moved right along in our project. I couldn't tell if C had any idea that she pretty much just described where I have been emotionally and physically for the past 1.5 years, but I couldn't bring myself to talk any more about it. I seriously bring this shit on myself. I mean, who starts talking about an acquaintence who had troubles conceiving to a co-worker? RANDOM.

It's tough for the TTC thing not to take over your life. My 2:30 p.m. e-mail to Mr. D had no subject line, and in the body said, "what time are you coming to get me from work, because we need to make sure we BD before your softball game."

No, "I love you honey and hope you're having a great day" or, "what should we make for dinner?" or even, "I know I've reminded you 10 times, but I'm getting kinda pissed, so make sure to call our financial planner with the questions we outlined."

It's all about the baby-makin.

My new vow to myself: figure out how not to talk about babies, pregnancy, etc. all the time. That even means with myself... I need to give my own head a break from TTC.

No O yet, but I felt some amazingly sharp, ovulation-like cramps today that must be O cramps. CBFM was still at high this morning, but I bet it will show peak tomorrow (here I go again, making bets with myself). I peed on two disposable OPKs today - one this morning and one after work. Both look kinda positive, but I think they are so hard to read. I'll wait until tomorrow to check CBFM. Either way, I know I felt O cramps, so we're putting it into high gear and BDing now and tomorrow.

It's amazing what you can feel when you are totally in tune with your body. I hope that's the same when I conceive some day.