You HAVE to check out this video. I ran across it on one of my cyberspace friend's blogs, and I cried the whole way through. Not every single phrase directly correlates with Mr. D and my experience, but most are pretty darn close.
This says it all. No need for me to try to explain it anymore - this video pretty much sums it up. I think it is beautiful, heartbreaking, uplifting, and incredibly sad... all at the same time. Kinda like this whole journey.
The infertility community is amazing. There are so many loving people who experience the same hardships and I am so fortunate to have found support.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Change of Focus
Time flies when you're having fun.
Or, maybe not having fun, but being crazy busy. I'm already 8 DPO, and it feels like I just got AF. We've been SUPER busy getting our house ready to hit the market this week. We've only lived here for 4.5 years, but it's amazing to me how much shit we've accumulated in that amount of time. We've made at least 4 trips to Goodwill, and numerous runs to our U-Haul storage unit. The manager of U-Haul, who we've seen on every trip to our storage unit, even commented yesterday, "Geez, how much stuff can you pack into that 5' X 5' unit?" Mr. D is a master organizer, so we've managed to store a TON of stuff, and still have some quality room to work with.
I decided against the Clomid this month. I went back and forth, trying to decide if I should put my body through it once again, and finally decided against it. It just freaks me out. Plus, with the HSG coming up this week, I kinda wanted to give my body a break. I feel good about that decision. I just hope I can ovulate this month without it.
From now until Thursday, Mr. D and I are crazy getting ready for the "for sale" sign to go in our front yard. We are praying that this place sells... fast.
I'll post after my HSG on Thursday. Wish us luck!
NOTE: I was reminded the other day by one of my good friends who knows about our infertility process that, in so many words, people have way bigger problems than not being able to get pregnant and I should consider myself lucky if this is one of our biggest struggles. The point of this blog and me sharing our story is to be able to vent about this emotional process, not to give the impression that our problems are any worse or larger than other people's issues. So, if you stumble upon this blog, or read my posts and think I am complaining about problems that are tiny in the grand scheme of things, please know that following this journey with me is completely voluntary, and my point of writing is very selfish... it's for ME to express MY feelings - NOT to belittle anyone else's bigger problems.
Or, maybe not having fun, but being crazy busy. I'm already 8 DPO, and it feels like I just got AF. We've been SUPER busy getting our house ready to hit the market this week. We've only lived here for 4.5 years, but it's amazing to me how much shit we've accumulated in that amount of time. We've made at least 4 trips to Goodwill, and numerous runs to our U-Haul storage unit. The manager of U-Haul, who we've seen on every trip to our storage unit, even commented yesterday, "Geez, how much stuff can you pack into that 5' X 5' unit?" Mr. D is a master organizer, so we've managed to store a TON of stuff, and still have some quality room to work with.
I decided against the Clomid this month. I went back and forth, trying to decide if I should put my body through it once again, and finally decided against it. It just freaks me out. Plus, with the HSG coming up this week, I kinda wanted to give my body a break. I feel good about that decision. I just hope I can ovulate this month without it.
From now until Thursday, Mr. D and I are crazy getting ready for the "for sale" sign to go in our front yard. We are praying that this place sells... fast.
I'll post after my HSG on Thursday. Wish us luck!
NOTE: I was reminded the other day by one of my good friends who knows about our infertility process that, in so many words, people have way bigger problems than not being able to get pregnant and I should consider myself lucky if this is one of our biggest struggles. The point of this blog and me sharing our story is to be able to vent about this emotional process, not to give the impression that our problems are any worse or larger than other people's issues. So, if you stumble upon this blog, or read my posts and think I am complaining about problems that are tiny in the grand scheme of things, please know that following this journey with me is completely voluntary, and my point of writing is very selfish... it's for ME to express MY feelings - NOT to belittle anyone else's bigger problems.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Uneventful... sort of
Today was the big appointment with my Doctor. Not as exciting as I had hoped. Maybe I was expecting her to reveal the magical answer as to why I can't get and stay pregnant, which we all know is totally not possible. Overall, it was an informational appointment, but no big surprises or revelations.
First, Mr. D's analysis from his test yesterday came back "normal." Mr. D did a little fist pump in the air when he heard that news. My Doctor used the word "normal" (and actually wrote that on the test results and handed to me for my files), but when I look at his results vs. the minimum of where a guy should be (they test volume, mobility, quality, you name it), his results were actually REALLY good. So, that's a relief. Kind of feels like checking that item off the list.
So, for me. Since AF showed up and I still have my period, no tests for me today (which I didn't know until I got there, and was totally fine with). However, we have a plan of what is next. Here it is:
- Take Clomid 100 mgs again this month. I know, I know, I said that I wouldn't take anymore of that stuff, but the Doctor helped me understand why it is important and that with my upcoming tests, it would be important to ensure ovulation this month. Fair enough. I think I am just nervous because of all the things I read online about women developing ovarian cysts, thinning of their uterus' wall, etc. When I asked her about this and her opinions, she said it's totally up to me, but that I shouldn't worry, as most of those things happen to a small percentage of women. The risk, I think, is worth the reward. So, Clomid Round #4, here I come.
- Go in for an HSG test. She was pretty adamant that this happen right away, given where I am in my cycle right now, so she scheduled me on the spot for next week. I need to read up on this procedure a bit more, but she was pretty up front with me that it will be painful. Basically, they shove a catheter up my you-know-what past my cervix (which is painful part #1), wait a few moments until you are not in shocking pain, and then release a dye up through my fallopian tubes (painful part #2). She said she likes to get the dye inside as fast as possible, because women are in a lot of pain during that process. Then, they look on a sonogram to see if the dye comes out of my tubes, or hits a roadblock. Dye coming out of my tubes = good. Basically, that means that my tubes are clear, and that is one more check off the list of things that shouldn't be prohibiting us from conceiving. Dye stopping because my tube is blocked = bad... for a couple reasons. First, I guess it is terribly painful for the dye to be blocked. Basically, the tube swells/enlarges to fit all of the dye, and that results in painful part #3. Second, if my tube is blocked, we have a whole other problem on our hands that will result in another Doctor visit to talk about options (surgery, etc.) She said that sometimes, even if the tube doesn't appear to be blocked, the dye naturally washes out any mucus in the tube that may have stopped the egg and sperm to meet (I know, nasty, right?) and a lot of people have success in TTC that month because their tubes are clean. This is also why she wants me to take Clomid this month... better chances of ovulating + cleaned tubes = better chance of conception.
- Start checking out REs. Like I mentioned in my last post, I knew this would be offered as a recommendation, but for some reason, hearing from my Doctor, "I am not a specialist in fertility, there are Doctors way better than me with matters of fertility, and you should consider establishing a plan with an Infertility Clinic" broke my heart. It's like it's real now. I am officially suffering from infertility. No longer just trying to get pregnant and facing challenges, but I am now a real-life patient of infertility. It kind of stung to hear that, but it's what we needed to hear. Otherwise, we will keep chasing this dream of starting a family with no real direction.
So, Mr. D and I packed up his test results (he joked that he is going to hang them on our fridge as a job well done... who knows, maybe he wasn't kidding), referrals for an RE, several prescriptions (Clomid, pain medication for the HSG, antibiotics to take prior to the HSG), and left. I feel so weird... happy, sad, confused, and just not sure where this journey is taking us. I just can not plan this one, and it is killing me.
So, the timeline. Clomid starts next week, as well as the antibiotics. HSG is scheduled for next Thursday. My Doctor had her Nurse call her partner clinics to get me in ASAP, as she felt strongly that this test needs to happen now. Thursday, July 8 at 1:30 was the only time available all next week, so my Doctor booked it and pretty much was like, "You need to get this done... hope this date and time works for you". So, instead of a romantic dinner out on our 4-year anniversary next Thursday, Mr. D will be driving me to the clinic for the HSG, and we will probably be hanging low on Thursday night. My Doctor said I should be fine afterwards, with just a little cramping. Somehow I feel like I might be in quite a bit of pain.
That's all for now. Thanks to my couple of friends who know about this blog and journey and continue to keep updated on this blog. It is such a mental and emotional release for me to write it, and I am so happy that my couple peeps who know about this keep supporting me.
More to come as we get ready for next week. I'll write all about our HSG experience :)
Baby blessings to all....
First, Mr. D's analysis from his test yesterday came back "normal." Mr. D did a little fist pump in the air when he heard that news. My Doctor used the word "normal" (and actually wrote that on the test results and handed to me for my files), but when I look at his results vs. the minimum of where a guy should be (they test volume, mobility, quality, you name it), his results were actually REALLY good. So, that's a relief. Kind of feels like checking that item off the list.
So, for me. Since AF showed up and I still have my period, no tests for me today (which I didn't know until I got there, and was totally fine with). However, we have a plan of what is next. Here it is:
- Take Clomid 100 mgs again this month. I know, I know, I said that I wouldn't take anymore of that stuff, but the Doctor helped me understand why it is important and that with my upcoming tests, it would be important to ensure ovulation this month. Fair enough. I think I am just nervous because of all the things I read online about women developing ovarian cysts, thinning of their uterus' wall, etc. When I asked her about this and her opinions, she said it's totally up to me, but that I shouldn't worry, as most of those things happen to a small percentage of women. The risk, I think, is worth the reward. So, Clomid Round #4, here I come.
- Go in for an HSG test. She was pretty adamant that this happen right away, given where I am in my cycle right now, so she scheduled me on the spot for next week. I need to read up on this procedure a bit more, but she was pretty up front with me that it will be painful. Basically, they shove a catheter up my you-know-what past my cervix (which is painful part #1), wait a few moments until you are not in shocking pain, and then release a dye up through my fallopian tubes (painful part #2). She said she likes to get the dye inside as fast as possible, because women are in a lot of pain during that process. Then, they look on a sonogram to see if the dye comes out of my tubes, or hits a roadblock. Dye coming out of my tubes = good. Basically, that means that my tubes are clear, and that is one more check off the list of things that shouldn't be prohibiting us from conceiving. Dye stopping because my tube is blocked = bad... for a couple reasons. First, I guess it is terribly painful for the dye to be blocked. Basically, the tube swells/enlarges to fit all of the dye, and that results in painful part #3. Second, if my tube is blocked, we have a whole other problem on our hands that will result in another Doctor visit to talk about options (surgery, etc.) She said that sometimes, even if the tube doesn't appear to be blocked, the dye naturally washes out any mucus in the tube that may have stopped the egg and sperm to meet (I know, nasty, right?) and a lot of people have success in TTC that month because their tubes are clean. This is also why she wants me to take Clomid this month... better chances of ovulating + cleaned tubes = better chance of conception.
- Start checking out REs. Like I mentioned in my last post, I knew this would be offered as a recommendation, but for some reason, hearing from my Doctor, "I am not a specialist in fertility, there are Doctors way better than me with matters of fertility, and you should consider establishing a plan with an Infertility Clinic" broke my heart. It's like it's real now. I am officially suffering from infertility. No longer just trying to get pregnant and facing challenges, but I am now a real-life patient of infertility. It kind of stung to hear that, but it's what we needed to hear. Otherwise, we will keep chasing this dream of starting a family with no real direction.
So, Mr. D and I packed up his test results (he joked that he is going to hang them on our fridge as a job well done... who knows, maybe he wasn't kidding), referrals for an RE, several prescriptions (Clomid, pain medication for the HSG, antibiotics to take prior to the HSG), and left. I feel so weird... happy, sad, confused, and just not sure where this journey is taking us. I just can not plan this one, and it is killing me.
So, the timeline. Clomid starts next week, as well as the antibiotics. HSG is scheduled for next Thursday. My Doctor had her Nurse call her partner clinics to get me in ASAP, as she felt strongly that this test needs to happen now. Thursday, July 8 at 1:30 was the only time available all next week, so my Doctor booked it and pretty much was like, "You need to get this done... hope this date and time works for you". So, instead of a romantic dinner out on our 4-year anniversary next Thursday, Mr. D will be driving me to the clinic for the HSG, and we will probably be hanging low on Thursday night. My Doctor said I should be fine afterwards, with just a little cramping. Somehow I feel like I might be in quite a bit of pain.
That's all for now. Thanks to my couple of friends who know about this blog and journey and continue to keep updated on this blog. It is such a mental and emotional release for me to write it, and I am so happy that my couple peeps who know about this keep supporting me.
More to come as we get ready for next week. I'll write all about our HSG experience :)
Baby blessings to all....
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Some Comic Relief
Mr. D went in for his big show this afternoon. Poor guy. I was rolling laughing when I received an e-mail today around 2 p.m. that had a subject line of "Mission Completed."
When I got Mr. D on the phone, he quickly, ever-so-kindly, reminded me that I didn't give him the testing orders from my Doctor. Basically, with the testing orders, he could have walked in, been given a cup in 2 seconds, and proceeded.
I TOTALLY forgot about the testing orders. My Doctor had recommended he complete the test months ago... right around the time of my miscarriage, to be able to confirm or deny Mr. D's connection to the reason we're not able to conceive and carry. I remember her saying, "Make SURE you bring the testing orders along so that the process goes smoothly and you can get right in." Mr. D was at that appointment, too, so how both of us forgot, I am not sure.
So, what could have been a 2 minute check-in process for Mr. D turned into a big ordeal at the lab. They needed to confirm his identity, set him up as a patient, and get all of his stuff figured out. With a stern face as we were driving home from work, he tells me that the nurse had to call the central office, provide his name, and keep repeating the fact that he was there for a "semen analysis for infertility" in front of all of the patients and nurses.
I felt so bad, but was totally laughing. How freaking hilarious is that?! I can totally see this happening - right in front of other people and nurses who were like, "ooooh, I wonder what that's all about."
I kept reminding him that guys go in there all the time and to the nurse staff, you are just another face. They deal with this stuff all the time. But I still couldn't stop from giggling.
Big day for me tomorrow... wish us luck!
When I got Mr. D on the phone, he quickly, ever-so-kindly, reminded me that I didn't give him the testing orders from my Doctor. Basically, with the testing orders, he could have walked in, been given a cup in 2 seconds, and proceeded.
I TOTALLY forgot about the testing orders. My Doctor had recommended he complete the test months ago... right around the time of my miscarriage, to be able to confirm or deny Mr. D's connection to the reason we're not able to conceive and carry. I remember her saying, "Make SURE you bring the testing orders along so that the process goes smoothly and you can get right in." Mr. D was at that appointment, too, so how both of us forgot, I am not sure.
So, what could have been a 2 minute check-in process for Mr. D turned into a big ordeal at the lab. They needed to confirm his identity, set him up as a patient, and get all of his stuff figured out. With a stern face as we were driving home from work, he tells me that the nurse had to call the central office, provide his name, and keep repeating the fact that he was there for a "semen analysis for infertility" in front of all of the patients and nurses.
I felt so bad, but was totally laughing. How freaking hilarious is that?! I can totally see this happening - right in front of other people and nurses who were like, "ooooh, I wonder what that's all about."
I kept reminding him that guys go in there all the time and to the nurse staff, you are just another face. They deal with this stuff all the time. But I still couldn't stop from giggling.
Big day for me tomorrow... wish us luck!
Monday, June 28, 2010
And, That's All She Wrote in the Month of June
Well, the waiting is over. AF delivered her monthly gift this afternoon, officially leaving me scratching my head and wondering, "seriously, what the hell is going on?" We did EVERYTHING right - again - this month.
I'm not even upset. Okay, well, I take that back. I am upset. But not even close to how upset I've been in past months. I'm fed up at this point - I am feeling SO DONE with this whole TTC thing. It makes me sick.
Tuesday and Wednesday are important days in our whole TTC journey. Tomorrow, Mr. D faces the one thing he has been absolutely dreading... the semen analysis. And I don't blame him - I actually feel bad for him (that is, until I remember the months and months of peeing on sticks, timing sex, and living my life according to my CBFM and Excel spreadsheet.... then I don't feel quite as bad). But, nonetheless, I am sure it has to be super awkward to walk in, ask for a cup, and try to make it happen with a few magazines with naked chicks. He doesn't even want to talk about it.
So, that's tomorrow. Then, on Wednesday comes the fun appointment for me. I called my nurse to ask her what I should expect, and I guess it will be kind of like a consultation. Mr. D and I meet with my Doctor (who I just found out is 5 months pregnant... my nurse told me that last week during our phone conversation, and I was thinking, "oh, lovely... one more to add to the list") and talk through our "options." I think I'm the pro of knowing what my options are, so I am pretty sure they will offer us the following:
1. Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) recommendation - which is great, and I would love to see an RE for help. I'm just curious if our insurance is going to cover it, given not all medical matters of fertility are (being able to conceive is viewed as a "nice to have," not a "need to have")...
2. IUI - basically, taking Mr. D's stuff and putting it inside of me during the right time of the month - I am not so keen on this one. Let me explain. I am pretty darn sure we are nailing it on the head with regards to choosing the right time during the month to BD and attempt conception. Through my 3 rounds of Clomid and miscarriage, I know I ovulate (how regularly without the help of Clomid, I am not sure, but I still ovulate... that's what CBFM is for), and was even successful conceiving once, so not sure injecting me with Mr. D's goodies will do any good than just us doing it ourselves.
3. IVF - we are years away from even considering - or being able to afford - this option, but I'm sure it will be put on the table. If you were to ask me right now, I would probably say "no" to IVF, throw away my CBFM forever, and look into adoption.
I am done with Clomid and scared to use any more of it, so I guess I'll see what happens if my Doctor tries to prescribe it to me again. I pray that Mr. D's analysis comes back okay (or better than okay) so that we can concentrate on just me being the "problem." I just have this feeling that something is wrong with my organs, and I just want to know one way or another so we can try to fix it.
So, as this month leaves me with an empty womb yet again, at least we have some help hopefully waiting around the corner. I'll post more after our Doctor appointments once we know what's next.
Until then, peace, love, and baby dust....
I'm not even upset. Okay, well, I take that back. I am upset. But not even close to how upset I've been in past months. I'm fed up at this point - I am feeling SO DONE with this whole TTC thing. It makes me sick.
Tuesday and Wednesday are important days in our whole TTC journey. Tomorrow, Mr. D faces the one thing he has been absolutely dreading... the semen analysis. And I don't blame him - I actually feel bad for him (that is, until I remember the months and months of peeing on sticks, timing sex, and living my life according to my CBFM and Excel spreadsheet.... then I don't feel quite as bad). But, nonetheless, I am sure it has to be super awkward to walk in, ask for a cup, and try to make it happen with a few magazines with naked chicks. He doesn't even want to talk about it.
So, that's tomorrow. Then, on Wednesday comes the fun appointment for me. I called my nurse to ask her what I should expect, and I guess it will be kind of like a consultation. Mr. D and I meet with my Doctor (who I just found out is 5 months pregnant... my nurse told me that last week during our phone conversation, and I was thinking, "oh, lovely... one more to add to the list") and talk through our "options." I think I'm the pro of knowing what my options are, so I am pretty sure they will offer us the following:
1. Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) recommendation - which is great, and I would love to see an RE for help. I'm just curious if our insurance is going to cover it, given not all medical matters of fertility are (being able to conceive is viewed as a "nice to have," not a "need to have")...
2. IUI - basically, taking Mr. D's stuff and putting it inside of me during the right time of the month - I am not so keen on this one. Let me explain. I am pretty darn sure we are nailing it on the head with regards to choosing the right time during the month to BD and attempt conception. Through my 3 rounds of Clomid and miscarriage, I know I ovulate (how regularly without the help of Clomid, I am not sure, but I still ovulate... that's what CBFM is for), and was even successful conceiving once, so not sure injecting me with Mr. D's goodies will do any good than just us doing it ourselves.
3. IVF - we are years away from even considering - or being able to afford - this option, but I'm sure it will be put on the table. If you were to ask me right now, I would probably say "no" to IVF, throw away my CBFM forever, and look into adoption.
I am done with Clomid and scared to use any more of it, so I guess I'll see what happens if my Doctor tries to prescribe it to me again. I pray that Mr. D's analysis comes back okay (or better than okay) so that we can concentrate on just me being the "problem." I just have this feeling that something is wrong with my organs, and I just want to know one way or another so we can try to fix it.
So, as this month leaves me with an empty womb yet again, at least we have some help hopefully waiting around the corner. I'll post more after our Doctor appointments once we know what's next.
Until then, peace, love, and baby dust....
Thursday, June 24, 2010
I Broke Down...
... and took a HPT.
Negative.
--Sigh--
I'm 9 DPO, and although I am keeping my hopes up (and prayers, and faith, and knowledge that miracles really do happen)...
I can't help but know that this is not a good sign.
Sure, it's still possible, but the reality?
Probably not.
--Tears......--
Negative.
--Sigh--
I'm 9 DPO, and although I am keeping my hopes up (and prayers, and faith, and knowledge that miracles really do happen)...
I can't help but know that this is not a good sign.
Sure, it's still possible, but the reality?
Probably not.
--Tears......--
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
The Big Wait
Still waiting to take that HPT. I am optimistic. I felt some funny cramps this afternoon... could those have been implantation cramps? I've had a couple of other symptoms, but it's so hard to tell period symptoms from pregnancy symptoms. It's nature's little trick... to make you believe that you are feeling one over the other.
I am going out on Friday with a friend, so am planning to take an HPT on Friday. That will be 10 DPO and I keep thinking about what it will be like if that test shows a +. Oh, glory, would I be a happy girl.
Keep us in your prayers! Three more days to go until test....
I am going out on Friday with a friend, so am planning to take an HPT on Friday. That will be 10 DPO and I keep thinking about what it will be like if that test shows a +. Oh, glory, would I be a happy girl.
Keep us in your prayers! Three more days to go until test....
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