Okay, so slight change of plans. Because AF showed up (thank you so much, AF, for your lovely arrival at the absolute worst time... only 14 days earlier than normal, which never happens), my surgery had to be pushed out. I had my pre-op on Monday, and just about started crying when my Doctor told me that we would have to push out the procedure. I just want all of this to be done, and now we're pushing it out.
But, thankfully, they were able to get me in next week. So, I have my last pre-op physical on Tuesday morning, and then surgery is Thursday morning. I feel terrible, because Mr. D can almost always get out of work, but he has a huge meeting on Thursday that he really shouldn't miss. But, what could we do? It was either take my Doctor's opening on the 23rd, or wait until November (she's on vaca for 2 weeks, and booked the other two weeks in October). So, Mr. D is missing his meeting and taking the day off with me. Even though I feel bad, I know there's not much I can do about it, and this is our decision, not just mine. And, I can't imagine not having him there.
So, let's try this again :)
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
WTF
Ugh.... AF surprised me out of nowhere and showed up today. SWEET... right before my week of getting things fixed. It's only Day 17 of my cycle - what the heck?
Pre-op appointment tomorrow at 8:30 a.m., and I think we will have to push my surgery to next week given today's delivery of nature's crappiest gift.
I'll post once I learn more.
Pre-op appointment tomorrow at 8:30 a.m., and I think we will have to push my surgery to next week given today's delivery of nature's crappiest gift.
I'll post once I learn more.
Friday, September 10, 2010
September 10
I realized I’ve been pretty pessimistic in my posts this week… and I guess it’s for good reason.
September 10. Today would have been the due date for our child.
Although I didn’t carry past 8 weeks, I know the pregnancy was real, and that I was due to deliver our baby today. I was pregnant at one time and I lost the baby.
After I miscarried, when I went in for my tests to figure out what was going on, I asked my Doctor over and over, “I really was pregnant, right? Are you SURE I was pregnant?”
Even though I proved it to myself time and time again through several HPTs, I needed a Doctor to tell me for real.
The two responses I received were somewhere along the lines of:
From my Nurse: “Oh, yes, honey, you just miscarried before we could monitor it.”
From my Doctor: “You were pregnant but lost the baby. We need to figure out why.”
I’ll never forget the feeling of relief… as crazy as that sounds. The pregnancy was real… and an actual medical professional told me so. I wasn’t imagining things, I really HAD gotten pregnant. I actually conceived – I didn’t just dream up all of those positive pregnancy tests I had shoved in front of Mr. D’s disbelieving eyes.
But, I lost the baby, damn it. My dream-come-true… okay, OUR dream-come true… was stripped from our hands. I still can’t completely comprehend it.
Nine months later, we are still trying to figure out why I couldn’t carry the baby, and why it’s been so hard to conceive again.
We don’t have the answers to either of those, but we will someday.
I have faith.
September 10. Today would have been the due date for our child.
Although I didn’t carry past 8 weeks, I know the pregnancy was real, and that I was due to deliver our baby today. I was pregnant at one time and I lost the baby.
After I miscarried, when I went in for my tests to figure out what was going on, I asked my Doctor over and over, “I really was pregnant, right? Are you SURE I was pregnant?”
Even though I proved it to myself time and time again through several HPTs, I needed a Doctor to tell me for real.
The two responses I received were somewhere along the lines of:
From my Nurse: “Oh, yes, honey, you just miscarried before we could monitor it.”
From my Doctor: “You were pregnant but lost the baby. We need to figure out why.”
I’ll never forget the feeling of relief… as crazy as that sounds. The pregnancy was real… and an actual medical professional told me so. I wasn’t imagining things, I really HAD gotten pregnant. I actually conceived – I didn’t just dream up all of those positive pregnancy tests I had shoved in front of Mr. D’s disbelieving eyes.
But, I lost the baby, damn it. My dream-come-true… okay, OUR dream-come true… was stripped from our hands. I still can’t completely comprehend it.
Nine months later, we are still trying to figure out why I couldn’t carry the baby, and why it’s been so hard to conceive again.
We don’t have the answers to either of those, but we will someday.
I have faith.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
The Club
If you're just starting to TTC or have already successfully carried and delivered a baby, you really have no idea what it's like to be in The Club. Please trust those of us who struggle, count yourselves extremely lucky that you don't know what it's like to associate with The Club.
You probably have a tough time understanding or associating with us, and it's okay. We understand. And, for those of you who have offered genuine support to those of us who struggle, thank you.
Over a year ago (realistically, more like two years ago), I didn't know what to do - emotionally, in my heart-of-hearts - when we started to realize that we were having issues trying to have a baby. I turned to the internet as a dazed, confused, hurt, emotional wreck, for support.
And, oh my goodness, did I find support. That's when I realized the power and support of The Club, and how much I had in common...
We want nothing more in life than children.
We want to experience the feeling of seeing a positive pregnancy test and keeping that new life alive inside of us.
We want to share in the secrecy of the miracle with our significant other, and embrace in the future we already can see with our amazing gift.
We want to take pre-natal vitamins because we actually have a new life inside of us, not just because we are trying to have a baby.
We want to share the news with our friends and family when the time is right... and share in their excitement.... oh, how I've personally longed for that moment.
We want to see an ultrasound with a baby inside our body and shed tears when we see the first heartbeat.
We want to feel the "butterfly" feelings that all of our friends have told us about, who, by now, have already experienced such joy... sometimes several times.
We want to decorate a nursery and buy baby clothes, furniture, and bottles.
We want to register at Target, Babies R Us, and all the other baby stores.
We want to have a baby shower... for us, this time - not one that we throw for others.
We want to carry a baby to term.
We want to experience contractions.
We want to see our significant other get nervous as we tell them "honey, it's time" as we grab our already-packed overnight bag and rush to the hospital.
We want to deliver our child and hold them for the first time.
We want to name them and tell everyone about the birth of our new little one......
We want nothing more than to be parents.
My hope is that more women find out about us... this amazing club that has oh-so-helped-me-with-my-sadness.
It helps to write everything down, blog, and have others soak in my feelings... and I hope I have been that for others who may be struggling.
You probably have a tough time understanding or associating with us, and it's okay. We understand. And, for those of you who have offered genuine support to those of us who struggle, thank you.
Over a year ago (realistically, more like two years ago), I didn't know what to do - emotionally, in my heart-of-hearts - when we started to realize that we were having issues trying to have a baby. I turned to the internet as a dazed, confused, hurt, emotional wreck, for support.
And, oh my goodness, did I find support. That's when I realized the power and support of The Club, and how much I had in common...
We want nothing more in life than children.
We want to experience the feeling of seeing a positive pregnancy test and keeping that new life alive inside of us.
We want to share in the secrecy of the miracle with our significant other, and embrace in the future we already can see with our amazing gift.
We want to take pre-natal vitamins because we actually have a new life inside of us, not just because we are trying to have a baby.
We want to share the news with our friends and family when the time is right... and share in their excitement.... oh, how I've personally longed for that moment.
We want to see an ultrasound with a baby inside our body and shed tears when we see the first heartbeat.
We want to feel the "butterfly" feelings that all of our friends have told us about, who, by now, have already experienced such joy... sometimes several times.
We want to decorate a nursery and buy baby clothes, furniture, and bottles.
We want to register at Target, Babies R Us, and all the other baby stores.
We want to have a baby shower... for us, this time - not one that we throw for others.
We want to carry a baby to term.
We want to experience contractions.
We want to see our significant other get nervous as we tell them "honey, it's time" as we grab our already-packed overnight bag and rush to the hospital.
We want to deliver our child and hold them for the first time.
We want to name them and tell everyone about the birth of our new little one......
We want nothing more than to be parents.
My hope is that more women find out about us... this amazing club that has oh-so-helped-me-with-my-sadness.
It helps to write everything down, blog, and have others soak in my feelings... and I hope I have been that for others who may be struggling.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
The Things People Say Sometimes Hurt My Feelings
So, I've noticed lately that more and more people are saying weird, random things to me, like:
- "Oh, you'll be so happy if you ever have kids." [insert skeptical look directed at me here]
- "I'm not making any assumptions about you having children some day... I'm just saying..."
- "So, how long have you been married now?" [insert their confused look of 'oh, wow, you should totally have kids by now']
- "Yeah, we waited two whole years after our wedding before even trying for our first. And, you've been married for how long now?"
This all became reality for me today, when my co-worker was telling me all about bringing her son to his first day of pre-school this morning. She said to me, "When you finally get to experience what it's like to drop your child off at the first day of school, you'll totally know what I mean. I guess, that is, if you plan to have kids someday. Either way, it's totally cool. It's okay not to have kids, too, you know."
Shit. This is not what was supposed to happen.
I used to think that people were just fishing when they asked me about kids to find out:
A. What our plans are for starting a family
B. If we want kids at all
C. If I was pregnant
I've always had the following vague, general-type-of-responses to comments/questions from friends and family:
A. 1-2 years after we got married.... "Not today! Maybe someday, but not at this moment... cheers!" as I raised a glass of wine in the air to toast
B. 2-3 years after we got married... "I'm not sure... maybe some day!" as I question why this process has taken so damn long
C. "We would be happy to have kids if we are meant to be parents!" as my heart secretly breaks and I shed tears later on once I'm alone or with Mr. D
Recently, these same people are asking questions that are much more inquisitive in nature. I know they are innocent inquiries, and people who truly care for me.
These are people who have absolutely no idea what we are going through emotionally, physically, and mentally.
Maybe I'm imagining it and they truly are just asking innocent questions.
Or maybe they know, inherently, deep down in the pit of their subconscious, what we are going through.
Either way, I feel like a wounded girl. It sucks. Why is this so hard?
- "Oh, you'll be so happy if you ever have kids." [insert skeptical look directed at me here]
- "I'm not making any assumptions about you having children some day... I'm just saying..."
- "So, how long have you been married now?" [insert their confused look of 'oh, wow, you should totally have kids by now']
- "Yeah, we waited two whole years after our wedding before even trying for our first. And, you've been married for how long now?"
This all became reality for me today, when my co-worker was telling me all about bringing her son to his first day of pre-school this morning. She said to me, "When you finally get to experience what it's like to drop your child off at the first day of school, you'll totally know what I mean. I guess, that is, if you plan to have kids someday. Either way, it's totally cool. It's okay not to have kids, too, you know."
Shit. This is not what was supposed to happen.
I used to think that people were just fishing when they asked me about kids to find out:
A. What our plans are for starting a family
B. If we want kids at all
C. If I was pregnant
I've always had the following vague, general-type-of-responses to comments/questions from friends and family:
A. 1-2 years after we got married.... "Not today! Maybe someday, but not at this moment... cheers!" as I raised a glass of wine in the air to toast
B. 2-3 years after we got married... "I'm not sure... maybe some day!" as I question why this process has taken so damn long
C. "We would be happy to have kids if we are meant to be parents!" as my heart secretly breaks and I shed tears later on once I'm alone or with Mr. D
Recently, these same people are asking questions that are much more inquisitive in nature. I know they are innocent inquiries, and people who truly care for me.
These are people who have absolutely no idea what we are going through emotionally, physically, and mentally.
Maybe I'm imagining it and they truly are just asking innocent questions.
Or maybe they know, inherently, deep down in the pit of their subconscious, what we are going through.
Either way, I feel like a wounded girl. It sucks. Why is this so hard?
Monday, September 6, 2010
Losing Control and Being Okay With It
I've blogged before about feeling like all of this is out of my hands, and the fact that I have to come to terms and feel okay with it. I've always believed it, but really haven't truly grasped the concept until lately.
I am a spiritual person. Mr. D and I believe in God, were both raised Catholic, and go to church on Sundays (except for this last Sunday... sorry, God). We're not perfect - not even close - but we love each other, our families, and God. I know that God's ultimate plan is totally not in my control, but until recently, I never really, whole-heartedly gave up my own personal attempts at having control.
The past two months - specifically the past two weeks - have been incredibly trying on Mr. D and me (thankfully, Mr. D and I continue to prove to each other that we were meant to be, as we've pushed ourselves beyond our own comprehension in all aspects of our lives... I love that guy so much). Last Thursday, with my hand grasping Mr. D's, we forked over a LOT of money to get out of a shitty mortgage in a place we never should have bought in the first place 5 years ago. We saved our butts off in the past few years and know that this is the right decision for us. We are temporarily living in a rented condo - about one mile from Mr. D's work, and 5 miles from mine... BONUS! - until we can save a few more dollars to purchase next spring. This is all part of Mr. D and my master plan, as the housing market continues to drop and we can afford to make pricey, and profitable, decisions.
My point is this: Mr. D and I have this fantastic plan of how this is all going to work. We are over 1/2 way accomplished, and we both have been looking at each other with wide, astonished eyes, thinking, "holy crap... this is actually going to work!" But what if things don't work out? What if my intentions aren't in God's master plan?
Kind of like my intentions of having children. I certainly didn't know it would take us this long to have a baby. But, had we gotten pregnant and had a child, I'm pretty sure our plans of getting out of our house and purchasing our dream place next year wouldn't be as attainable... or would at least take us a lot longer to achieve.
I think back to when I miscarried last January. I will never know why I wasn't able to carry that baby, who would be due this Friday on September 10. But I do know that our lives would be different... in so many ways. Maybe it was all part of the larger plan that God has in place for us. Maybe He knew that it wasn't the right time.
I am feeling more and more comfortable with this whole TTC thing being out of my control. It sucks, but I am coming to terms with it. When I got my period two weeks ago, I barely thought anything of it (okay, that's not true, but at least I didn't take 14 pregnancy tests and think about the potential baby in my tummy every waking moment).
I am no longer in control with infertility and when/if I will ever be a mother.
I am letting it go, and I am okay with it. What's meant to be is meant to be.
I am a spiritual person. Mr. D and I believe in God, were both raised Catholic, and go to church on Sundays (except for this last Sunday... sorry, God). We're not perfect - not even close - but we love each other, our families, and God. I know that God's ultimate plan is totally not in my control, but until recently, I never really, whole-heartedly gave up my own personal attempts at having control.
The past two months - specifically the past two weeks - have been incredibly trying on Mr. D and me (thankfully, Mr. D and I continue to prove to each other that we were meant to be, as we've pushed ourselves beyond our own comprehension in all aspects of our lives... I love that guy so much). Last Thursday, with my hand grasping Mr. D's, we forked over a LOT of money to get out of a shitty mortgage in a place we never should have bought in the first place 5 years ago. We saved our butts off in the past few years and know that this is the right decision for us. We are temporarily living in a rented condo - about one mile from Mr. D's work, and 5 miles from mine... BONUS! - until we can save a few more dollars to purchase next spring. This is all part of Mr. D and my master plan, as the housing market continues to drop and we can afford to make pricey, and profitable, decisions.
My point is this: Mr. D and I have this fantastic plan of how this is all going to work. We are over 1/2 way accomplished, and we both have been looking at each other with wide, astonished eyes, thinking, "holy crap... this is actually going to work!" But what if things don't work out? What if my intentions aren't in God's master plan?
Kind of like my intentions of having children. I certainly didn't know it would take us this long to have a baby. But, had we gotten pregnant and had a child, I'm pretty sure our plans of getting out of our house and purchasing our dream place next year wouldn't be as attainable... or would at least take us a lot longer to achieve.
I think back to when I miscarried last January. I will never know why I wasn't able to carry that baby, who would be due this Friday on September 10. But I do know that our lives would be different... in so many ways. Maybe it was all part of the larger plan that God has in place for us. Maybe He knew that it wasn't the right time.
I am feeling more and more comfortable with this whole TTC thing being out of my control. It sucks, but I am coming to terms with it. When I got my period two weeks ago, I barely thought anything of it (okay, that's not true, but at least I didn't take 14 pregnancy tests and think about the potential baby in my tummy every waking moment).
I am no longer in control with infertility and when/if I will ever be a mother.
I am letting it go, and I am okay with it. What's meant to be is meant to be.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
I'm Back :)
FINALLY... I am back. After what has felt like weeks without internet access (really, it's only been 6 days), I am finally back online again. I hope my blog buddies haven't forgotten about me :)
The big move is over. Mr. D and I officially moved from our old house, closed, and moved to our temporary spot for a few months before our next move in early 2011. We started the whole process around 11 a.m. on Tuesday, and got everything fully situated in our new place this evening around 8 p.m. I won't get into the boring details, but holy crap, is moving a tiring process. I am so glad it's all over for now. The next move will be to the home Mr. D and I want to be in forever... literally.
I will post more now frequently that I am back up and running on Blogger. Nothing new on the TTC front... and by nothing new, I mean that it's basically the same ol', same ol' story... not expecting a baby, so on to the next steps of another RE appointment, the laparoscopy, and potential tube removal. Sounds like fun, right?
Happy Labor Day to all :)
The big move is over. Mr. D and I officially moved from our old house, closed, and moved to our temporary spot for a few months before our next move in early 2011. We started the whole process around 11 a.m. on Tuesday, and got everything fully situated in our new place this evening around 8 p.m. I won't get into the boring details, but holy crap, is moving a tiring process. I am so glad it's all over for now. The next move will be to the home Mr. D and I want to be in forever... literally.
I will post more now frequently that I am back up and running on Blogger. Nothing new on the TTC front... and by nothing new, I mean that it's basically the same ol', same ol' story... not expecting a baby, so on to the next steps of another RE appointment, the laparoscopy, and potential tube removal. Sounds like fun, right?
Happy Labor Day to all :)
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