The Best of Both Worlds

Career.  It's a word that has literally defined me for years.  And when I see myself type that, it seems depressing... makes me pause and think, "Seriously??  Your career has defined you?  Sad."  Of course, career is not the only word that defines me, but it ranks among the top few.

But I love it.  Of course, there is more to me than work... I have a wonderful family, an amazing husband, great friends, faith-based beliefs, etc., etc., etc.  But I love work.  I love my company, I love my co-workers (many, many of which are my friends), and I love (for the most part) corporate culture.  I love the pressure, I love the stress (sometimes), and I love when people look to me for answers or insight.

When Mr. D and I started down our long journey to conceive, I knew my focus on work would change, which was totally fine with me.  Of course, our journey took a LOT longer than expected, so by the time our little man joined us, I had been busting my booty and progressing my career for over a decade.  When I went back to work after maternity leave, I didn't feel as torn as I thought I would, based on what I had heard from other mothers.  I kept hearing horror stories about how hard it would be to go back to work, and the whole time I would be at work, all I would be thinking about is my kid.

Is it hard to keep the same pace at work as before?  Oh, hell yeah.  It's really hard.  But somehow, my type-A personality tells my skeptical side, "Come on... you know how to rock it at work... make it happen."  And so I do.  But, damn, am I tired.  Somehow I am managing to keep the same pace at work, and be a full-time mother.  I DO think about my child when I am at work... a lot.  I wish I was with him, but not all the time.  He needs interaction with his friends at daycare.  He has learned so much from other kids and from his daycare provider... I would never want to deprive him of that experience.

So - I've been weighing my options.  I would never want to give up my work and career.  I obviously love my child (soon to be children) more than anything and want to spend more time with them.

So - I struck a deal with myself... and with my company.  I created a job-share proposal, which basically allows me to work three days per week at 60% pay, with my job only demanding 60% of the usual 100% I deliver today.  The pay cut will be a big deal - Mr. D and I both do just fine, but to cut such a significant chunk will have an impact.  But I've been saving and preparing for this... and the cut will be just fine.  It will allow me two weekdays home with my kids, which I think is the perfect amount of time.  They will still get the benefit of going to daycare three days of the week while I am at work, and the other two days will be dedicated to them... hopefully filled with play dates, activities, and things for us to do together.  It will also give me time to do the run-of-the-mill things... laundry, Target shopping, house cleaning... all of the things that are now being crammed in to our already-packed weekends.

My proposal was approved, and I have a couple additional factors to figure out before it all begins.  Not sure if that will be before 2012 is over, or if we will wait until after my maternity leave... I am the one who is determining timing for the most part.  Either way, I am flexible and happy that I am being afforded this opportunity.

I am considering this to be the best of both worlds for me: allowing me to drive my career in a different way now that I am also a mother, and allowing me time to be with my children more than what I can do now.

I think this is going to be an amazing transition.

To 'C' or Not to 'C'... That is the Question

C-section.  

Definitely not the way I expected Max's birth to end, but after nearly 30 hours of labor and only dilating to a 5, it was a done deal.

I never started Max's labor thinking that it would end in a C-section, but, after being in labor for that long with my cervix starting to swell and actually do the opposite of dilating, there wasn't much of a choice.

And, truly... it was not bad at all.  The C-section itself, the recovery afterwards... it all was not how the books paint the picture.  I was warned about picking my newborn up too quickly, climbing stairs, exercising... you name it.  But the first day home from the hospital, I climbed our 16-stair staircase up to the nursery, back downstairs, and repeated a few times... not painful at all.  I was back to running a few miles within a couple weeks after the surgery... again, not a big deal.

So, my Doctor has asked me the question about my preferences for this birth.  Do I prefer to attempt delivery, or should we schedule a C-section?

No hesitation here: sign me up for another C-section.

We made this decision very early on in my pregnancy for a few reasons.  First, the chances that I could actually progress and deliver this time are lower than the average mother.  A lot of VBACs result in an eventual emergency surgery (especially those that occur within a few years of the first time the mother had a C-section), and I'd prefer not to be rushed into emergency surgery because the baby is having trouble, my uterus ruptures, or anything else.

Second, my baby will stay inside of me - stress-free - as long as possible before I am cut open and he is brought into this world.  So many benefits to that.

And, third... this one may be selfish... Mr. D and I think it sounds INCREDIBLY peaceful to wake up early, have plans for who is going to watch Max, have everything situated, drive to the hospital, have a quick surgery, and by mid-morning, be snuggling with our new little baby.  Maybe it's because I am a crazy planner, but I think it sounds amazing to have everything planned out and know what and when to expect everything to go down...

... which is why I went ahead and scheduled Baby #2's big arrival date.  I will pause here and say the most eerie thing about having a repeat C-section is scheduling your child's birthday... kind of weird.

Our C-section is scheduled for Wednesday, January 30 at 7:30 a.m.  I need to be at the hospital by 5:45 for surgery prep, and baby will be born by 9:00.  I will be out of recovery by 10:00, and Mr. D and I plan to be sipping on coffees and enjoying our new bundle by mid-morning.

Of course, our little man may choose to come early (although I doubt it... Max was 4 days late, and was not even ready to come yet) - at which time, we'd need to decide if we want to try a VBAC or do an emergency C-section. I am not sure what I would do at that point... not even sure I need a plan for that situation.  If it happens, we'll see what my body is doing at the time, and decide from there.

I know so many people have different opinions on this, but thought I would share my plan.  As long as our little man enters the world safely, that's all I can pray for.

It's Been Far Too Long... But Here's Some Updates Anyways :)

It's been far too long.  Reasons I can offer for being so absent from my blog include: extreme busyness, exhaustion at night when I finally do sit down to tinker around on the internet, chasing a running toddler around my house, etc., etc., etc.

To say that life with a toddler is busy is an absolute understatement.  Our little Max is not so little anymore...  he is over 13 months, running all over the place, over 30 pounds, and the absolute center of this family.  The little things he picks up every day are so amazing (learning to turn the light switch on and off was yesterday's big win), and I count my blessings all the time.

On the baby #2 front... things are going really, really well.  We found out the gender two weeks ago... and it's another BOY!  I thought all along that this little one was a boy - I just had this feeling that was so strong (something I never felt when carrying Max).  And we wanted another boy... for Max to grow up with a brother 17 months younger than him is more than I ever could have prayed for.  However, there was a period of time - a couple hours or so - after we found out during the ultrasound that I sat back and thought, "Huh.  So this means we will never have a daughter."  This is definitely our last child - for many reasons... another post for another day... and to have that moment of reflection really made me pause and think about what our lives will be like.  If you would have told me three years ago that I would soon be the mother of two boys, I would have never believed it.  But, boy am I happy now :)  I am so incredibly thankful for this little guy growing inside of me, and we can not wait for him to join his big brother.

The only "pregnancy scare" so far has been that, after my 20 week ultrasound, I had a regular monthly check-up where my doctor reviewed the results of the ultrasound with us.  Our little guy has a cyst on his skull - not brain, thankfully - which are pretty common (many babies have them, but they fade within weeks, so depending on when the ultrasound takes place within a mother's pregnancy, who knows if they show up on a scan).  I had all of the 12-week screening completed, and our chances for the chromosomal abnormalities were 1 in 10,000.  The 12-week screening "overrides" what would be seen via ultrasound, since the screening is way more accurate by testing my blood.  So - she left it up to us... no action needed, or decide to have a Level 2 ultrasound.  We chose the latter, and had another ultrasound last week.  The cyst is still there, and looks "normal."  We met with a neonatal specialist doctor, and he basically told us that our baby looks great and the cyst is not a concern at all based on my 12-week screen and additional bloodwork they requested I have completed.  Our chances of chromosomal abnormalities are now back to the 1 in 10,000 ratio because we opted for the additional measuring via ultrasound and bloodwork with nothing found.

The whole Level 2 thing would have freaked me out during my pregnancy with Max, but this time I feel so much different.  Everything is completely out of my hands and I have to trust that my baby is totally healthy.

Other than that, not a whole lot else going on.  I have a whole other post to write another day regarding my plans for returning to work after Baby #2 is born.  This year of full-time working and full-time motherhood has been a LOT, and with two kids under two years old, I truly don't know how it all will come together.  So, my company is allowing me to create a job share with my current role - which will be AWESOME.  My pay will be 60% of what I make today, but I will only work 3 days a week - likely Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays.  I've been financially planning for this type of transition since before Max was born, and I know we are in a good spot - it's just taking the leap of faith to make it happen.  I know I will be a better mother if I am able to dedicate a couple of days to my children, and I know I will be a better person at work if I am only expected to deliver 60% of what I am today within 3 days per week.  I am thinking of it as the best of both worlds - I absolutely love my job and company and can not imagine leaving, but I need a bit of a break.  I also know that I would never want to be a stay-at-home-mother full-time, but I think this whole family could benefit from more mother-and-kids time.  So, more to come on that and my upcoming transition soon.

I check all of your blogs frequently!  I typically do so when I am on the bus - in between where I park my car and my workplace - therefore, making it impossible to comment.  I am planning to get some comments out there tomorrow.  I am following all of your journeys!

Happy Autumn Day :)

XOXO
Mrs. D

One Year

My little monkey was born one year ago.  

Yesterday was his birthday, and it was so incredibly crazy to reflect back on what I was thinking, feeling, and experiencing.  After years of crappy infertility issues, we were blessed with this little miracle, and we had no idea how much he would change our lives.  In some ways, the year has flown.  But in so many others, it has been one hell of a year - one full of ups and downs, new memories, new experiences, lots of kisses, many emotions, several challenges, and more love than our hearts knew we could give.

We held his birthday party today with friends and family, and had a great time celebrating this little person who has filled so many people's lives with joy and love.

Happy birthday to my little Maxwell!

On the Baby #2 front, I am a bit over 16 weeks, and loving every moment of pregnancy.  I have  such a strong feeling that this baby is a boy... I feel and look the exact same way as when I was pregnant with Max.  Either way, we are truly excited.  Baby continues to grow and is starting to pop out more and more.  We have our regular monthly doctor appointment on Tuesday morning, and I am dying to hear that heartbeat.  I think I've felt baby fluttering around here and there, but until I can feel some good kicks, I just need that heartbeat reassurance.

I'll leave you with a picture of the one year old man of my life - taken a few days ago.  Hope everyone is well!

XOXO - 
Mrs. D

Sigh of Relief

An infertile (no matter where her stage... working to welcome home baby, currently TTC, pregnant, already had a baby...) always holds her breath with every stage of pregnancy.  Every step, every ultrasound, every milestone... they are all important, and we all worry.  All the time.


Today was no different.  I worried all day that my little bean would be found not breathing.  I don't know why I thought that, but I did.  My guard was up walking in, hand-in-hand with Mr. D, into the ultrasound room.


But no reason for worry... as soon as the tech put the ultrasound probe on my belly, there he/she was :)  Baby was alive, with a beating heart, and resting.  Baby moved around a little bit during our 30 minutes seeing the new love of our lives, but for the most part, he/she was in the perfect position for measurements and was just pretty chill.  Baby's hand was up by his/her eyebrow (just like Max did at his 12-week ultrasound!), and was kicking around a little bit, but for the most part, he/she was kicking back and enjoying showing off his/herself.


Baby passed all of the tests the tech could visually see and measure - of course there are more tests that I won't know results of for a couple weeks - but overall, the baby looks healthy and happy.  Heartbeat was 161bpm.


So, overall, an awesome appointment, and so incredibly wonderful to take a sigh of relief... if only until the next milestone :)


XOXO
Mrs. D

Random Updates

Lots of random updates today... not really sure, but I feel the need to thought-vomit :)  So, here goes:

• My baby boy turned 11 months, and we are busy planning for his first birthday.  So many people say things to the effect of, "Where does the time go?," "Wow, can you believe he's almost a year?," or "Time flies, doesn't it?"  For me, not so much.  I mean, sure, reflecting back on the days of having a newborn doesn't seem like yesterday... it feels like it was about a year ago.  Every stage and every day/week/month has been a complete change of lifestyle, and I can totally believe 11 months have gone by.
• Baby #2 is growing.  I remember not really "popping" with Max until about 16-18 weeks, and with this one, I am having trouble hiding my growing stomach.  We've shared with our parents and a few friends, but still haven't shared with many people.  We have our 12-week ultrasound tomorrow, which I think will make Mr. D feel even better... like this is even more real.  My boss is on vacation this week, so I will plan to tell her the week after, and share with my direct reports and team afterwards.  Time with Baby #2 is flying... I think it's a combination of my mother being ill, it being summer, Max keeping me busy, work being busy, and just life in general being busy.  We're hoping and praying that this baby continues to be healthy and happy.
• Do I want a girl or a boy?  One one hand, a girl would be great... we would have one of each, and our family would balance out, gender-wise.  On the other hand, I think it would be so cool for Max to have a brother who is 17 months younger.  I absolutely love my little boy, and would love to have another.  All signs (old wives' tales, Chinese gender calendars, etc.) point to BOY.  The only differences between my pregnancy with Max and this one are that this time I am craving sweet things - ice cream, fruit, etc. (with Max, I never really craved anything, although I ate a lot of pickles), and have had a few moments of nausea (with Max, I never once felt queasy).  Who knows :)  We will be extremely happy either way.
• Mom is still sick.  After 6 weeks, she was released from the hospital and is now in a physical rehabilitation center until further notice... likely a couple months.  She can't move her legs, sit up, or basically move anything.  It's been a really stressful, crappy time for my family - especially Mom, who is in a significant amount of pain.  Makes me pause and think about how much we all need to value every single moment.

Hope everyone is well and has a great start of the week!

XOXO

Mrs. D

Hot Summer Days

I know some of you must think I am crazy for loving this great state where I live.  Minnesota - land of 10,000 lakes.  


It's also the land of extreme seasons - we truly get the best of all four of them.  Winters are damn cold (I know this is probably what you all think of when you think of northern states), autumns are gorgeous and full of crisp air and beautiful colors, springtime is green, sometimes rainy, and fresh.  And then there are summers.  The past two weeks have been 95-110 degrees and HUMID.  So hot, in fact, that most people don't even go outside... everyone stays inside with the air conditioning.  


I know I might be nerdy to be talking about the weather, but seriously... it has been HOT.  I am not complaining whatsoever.  We deal with so much snow and ice in the winter that I will take 100 degrees any day over the cold, dreary winter days.


Okay, so on to new topics.


Thanks to everyone for their kind notes about my mother... she is still in the hospital, and not leaving for awhile.  She is one sick lady.  She will be okay eventually, but is in for more surgeries and then some intensive physical rehabilitation.  It's so sad to see a woman who was otherwise healthy and mobile be committed to a hospital bed because of an infection that anyone could get at anytime.  It's so scary and so sad.  Life is so incredibly fragile, and I am reminded of that every time I see how weak my poor mama is.  Thanks for continuing to keep her in your thoughts and prayers :)


I had an appointment with my OB today.  It was my first official prenatal appointment.  We heard the heartbeat :)  It absolutely makes my day to hear that beautiful beating heart and is the most reassuring sound in the world.  Today, he/she had a heart rate at 173bpm.  It seemed high to me, but our midwife reassured us that it's perfect and there are no concerns.  


They also changed my due date based on my last period.  I know what day I ovulated, and based on my early ultrasound, I was tracking at 9 weeks, 6 days.  However, they prefer to count from my last period and remeasure with my next ultrasound.  And, so, they changed my due date to February 1.  This means that, God-willing, if everything works out and this baby is healthy, he/she will be born at the end of January.  I am opting for a repeat C-section (more on this decision in another post for another day), and my doctor likes to deliver repeat C-sections at 38 or 39 weeks.  So, looks like we will have a January baby - that is, if we are lucky enough that this baby is healthy, can stick it out with me, and enter this world to meet his/her big brother Max :)


With the recalculation of my due date, this means I am 10 weeks, 3 days.  I need to get the NT scan and 12-week ultrasound completed by 12.5 weeks, so we will be going back in within the next couple weeks to see our little bean again.  And then we will start to share our big news IRL.  I am excited, but scared and nervous... the feelings of infertility just keep pinging away.  I doubt they will ever go away.  Damn you, IF.  But, on the other hand, thank you, IF, for showing me how very sensitive and precious life really is.  I am blessed to have my little Max and this new little life growing inside of me.


I hope everyone has been well and is enjoying the summer!


XOXO
Mrs. D