Healing

Ahhh... the power of rest. The doctors sure know what they are talking about when they say to drink lots of fluids and get plenty of rest.

Just been hanging out, not doing much, but letting my body recuperate. I slept pretty much all day on Friday (thanks to some wonderful pain relievers), slept a lot on Saturday, and had my first outing to Cub Foods on Sunday. Probably shouldn't have pushed it and left the house, but I needed to get the heck out off the couch. I paid for it, though - I was pretty uncomfortable and ended up laying on the couch all night after the quick outing.

I am working from home today and feeling much better after another night of sleep. My boss knows about my surgery and has been super cool about letting me do whatever I need. So, I am taking it easy and will probably be ready to go back tomorrow. My incisions are looking good, and my stomach is less bloated and is deflating after having gas pumped into me during the procedure. I keep asking Mr. D., "do you think my stomach looks smaller than yesterday?" Of course, he tells me that he can tell a difference, but I am thinking that he is just being nice :)

Enjoy the week... autumn has sure arrived where we live, with lovely colors, leaves starting to fall, and crisp, cooler air to match. I am praying that the change of season means a change of luck in our TTC efforts and a little one will be on his/her way soon.

One Huge Sigh of Relief

Thanks to everyone for their prayers and thoughts! I received so many nice e-mails... I really, really appreciate the support.

The lapraoscopy is over. Here are the highlights:
- Went in to the hospital with Mr. D @ 9:15; went through pre-op procedures
- Was dressed and on a hospital bed by 10:00
- Met about 20 nurses, doctors, anesthetists. I shed a few tears out of nervousness.
- Got an IV, got wrapped up in super warm blankets
- Mr. D came up to meet my primary Dr. and surgeon, we were both explained exactly what to expect
- At 10:40, gave Mr. D a kiss and was wheeled into Operating Room #7
- Moved from warm comfy hospital bed to cold, small skinny surgery table
- Was given medicine through my IV to relax, and I don't remember anything after that...

2 hours and 20 minutes later:
- Woke up in recovery room
- Dazed on-and-off for about an hour - several nurses and my Dr. came in to talk with me, and I barely remember what was said
- At 2:00 p.m., moved to stable recovery, where Mr. D came up to be with me
- Dr. had already had a consultation meeting with Mr. D, so he knew all the specifics and had some pretty nasty internal pictures of my reproductive system to show me
- Couldn't be released until I could pee, which took about 2 hours. I had a catheter during the procedure, so I had to prove that I could pee normally. I had nausea on-and-off the whole time in stable recovery... threw up Saltines and water twice.
- Was released at about 4:30, and I was home in bed by 5:00 with some pretty impressive pain, but also some pretty impressive painkillers.

Now for the good news :)

I still have both tubes. When Dr. went in, she said the right one was more dilated and open, so when she shot the dye up both tubes, just like with my HSG, all dye spilled out the right. She used another instrument to (sorry, TMI here) clean out my left tube and shoot more dye through. It worked! So, dye was shooting out both, which means that both are in functioning, healthy order.

Mr. D. said he was nervous after I went into surgery. My Dr. had said that if everything looked good, she would come talk to him about an hour after surgery. If there was more work to be done (aka: tube removal, problems that required longer procedures), it could be anywhere from 1-3 hours. The Dr. went to talk to Mr. D about an hour and 15 minutes after surgery, so he relaxed and knew everything was going to be fine.

No endrometriosis or adhesions anywhere, which was what my Dr. thought she would find. I am left with two incisions: one in my belly button and one about 5 inches lower... right where (again, sorry TMI) your pubic hair would start.

I'm feeling okay...my right shoulder KILLS (I guess that is the gas trying to "escape" my body... weird, but normal), and my tummy hurts more today than last night.

I'm off to catch some ZZZZs.... thanks again to everyone for their prayers!

XOXO

Getting Ready

I feel as though I've been absent lately. Ugh. Absent from my blog, thoughts, life... everything.

It's been such a weird time for me.

Surgery on Thursday. I had my physical this morning and blood drawn... overall, I am healthy, thank goodness. Not that I would have thought anything else, but it's all solidified and confirmed now.

I'll blog after surgery... Mr. D and I have to be at the hospital bright and early Thursday morning.

Now more than ever, I am looking for prayers. Please keep us in your thoughts as we pray for a great outcome, easy recovery, and easy road to conception.

It's A Private Matter

Is it weird that I only want to share our infertility struggles with certain people? I would love thoughts on this - please post a comment! - as I contemplate who really needs to know about our private issues.

Only a few people in my personal life know about my blog. I only wanted to share it with select people who I know, and let other bloggers stumble upon it. The friends with whom I shared our journey are my true, closest friends in life.

Guess who knows nothing about my blog, our issues, or attempts at next steps? Not my mom, sister, or any family members.

I've been sharing more and more with my co-workers. I wonder sometimes if this is because my co-workers are kind of like a pseudo-family, but not close enough to me, by any means, to be really a part of my family and friend network.

Because I had to abruptly change the pre-scheduled two days off of my work schedule due to my upcoming surgery, there were a few eyebrows raised. And for those who I felt should know, I shared. Oddly enough, it wasn't even tough for me... I just straight out shared what is going on. I told about 4 co-workers this week - whom I trust - about the high-level struggles we've had. And it felt so good to share. It's like a weight is lifted from my chest every time I share... not because they feel sad for us - that's not what I want at all - but because they might actually feel for us. For them and for me, it's no longer a secret, and it feels good.

So, why has it been hard to share with family? Not really sure, but it just has.

As I've been preparing for next week, I've been thinking a lot (as with any surgery), "what if something goes wrong?" Now, I am truly not paranoid. I know I will be fine. I highly doubt I will die while under the knife, but of course, these things cross my mind... they cross everyone's mind when they are put under. Sure, I'll be nervous, but not too freaked out.

But what if something happens to me during the procedure, and Mr. D needs to get in touch with my parents. Or sister. Or his parents. Or his sister.

None of them know.

Of course, the worst scenario plays in my head... Mr. D has to make the dreaded call to my parents to let them know that I went into surgery and things didn't go well. Nobody in our families would even know I was having surgery in the first place, let alone that I was under-going a procedure on my fallopean tube. I think my family would be devastated that I didn't tell them.

I would love your thoughts... anyone out there who is close to their families and had to think through how/when to tell them just enough information so that they know what you're going through?

Slight Change of Plans

Okay, so slight change of plans. Because AF showed up (thank you so much, AF, for your lovely arrival at the absolute worst time... only 14 days earlier than normal, which never happens), my surgery had to be pushed out. I had my pre-op on Monday, and just about started crying when my Doctor told me that we would have to push out the procedure. I just want all of this to be done, and now we're pushing it out.

But, thankfully, they were able to get me in next week. So, I have my last pre-op physical on Tuesday morning, and then surgery is Thursday morning. I feel terrible, because Mr. D can almost always get out of work, but he has a huge meeting on Thursday that he really shouldn't miss. But, what could we do? It was either take my Doctor's opening on the 23rd, or wait until November (she's on vaca for 2 weeks, and booked the other two weeks in October). So, Mr. D is missing his meeting and taking the day off with me. Even though I feel bad, I know there's not much I can do about it, and this is our decision, not just mine. And, I can't imagine not having him there.

So, let's try this again :)

WTF

Ugh.... AF surprised me out of nowhere and showed up today. SWEET... right before my week of getting things fixed. It's only Day 17 of my cycle - what the heck?

Pre-op appointment tomorrow at 8:30 a.m., and I think we will have to push my surgery to next week given today's delivery of nature's crappiest gift.

I'll post once I learn more.

September 10

I realized I’ve been pretty pessimistic in my posts this week… and I guess it’s for good reason.

September 10. Today would have been the due date for our child.

Although I didn’t carry past 8 weeks, I know the pregnancy was real, and that I was due to deliver our baby today. I was pregnant at one time and I lost the baby.

After I miscarried, when I went in for my tests to figure out what was going on, I asked my Doctor over and over, “I really was pregnant, right? Are you SURE I was pregnant?”

Even though I proved it to myself time and time again through several HPTs, I needed a Doctor to tell me for real.

The two responses I received were somewhere along the lines of:

From my Nurse: “Oh, yes, honey, you just miscarried before we could monitor it.”
From my Doctor: “You were pregnant but lost the baby. We need to figure out why.”

I’ll never forget the feeling of relief… as crazy as that sounds. The pregnancy was real… and an actual medical professional told me so. I wasn’t imagining things, I really HAD gotten pregnant. I actually conceived – I didn’t just dream up all of those positive pregnancy tests I had shoved in front of Mr. D’s disbelieving eyes.

But, I lost the baby, damn it. My dream-come-true… okay, OUR dream-come true… was stripped from our hands. I still can’t completely comprehend it.

Nine months later, we are still trying to figure out why I couldn’t carry the baby, and why it’s been so hard to conceive again.

We don’t have the answers to either of those, but we will someday.

I have faith.