But She's Not Me

This may make some of my blog followers roll their eyes and think, "Oh, Mrs. D, come on now... get over it."

But, tomorrow is a big day for me. For us. For our family.

Max starts daycare.

I have not been emotional at all through my pregnancy, birth, post-birth... nothing. No tears about anything. But daycare? Waterworks. I've cried about it since I started realizing it was real... my baby goes to this woman's home (who is completely lovely and I know will be wonderful for our little man) and he spends his whole day with her and 7 other little kids.

I am sitting here, bawling as I type.

Do I regret going back to work? Not in the least. I love my work so, so much, and not only do I selfishly want to have a career outside of being a mom, but I know it makes me a better mother (plus, who am I kidding... my salary keeps me working).

But, do I want my son to go to a foreign daycare every weekday, which I know he'll get to know and love but until then, he'll probably think I dropped him at a stranger's home with lots of crazy kids?

No. It makes me cry harder to think about it.

The worst thing is thinking that he might forget who I am. I know, realistically, that he'll remember me as soon as I say, "Hey, buddy!" when I pick him up, but still... will he wonder why his parents dropped him off in an environment that isn't his own?

I know our daycare provider will do a wonderful job cuddling, feeding, changing, and playing with him. Her name is Susan and she has had an in-home daycare for the past 33 years. She is the picture of a cuddly, warm grandma in her mid-to-late 50's. Super sweet, kind, and can't wait to snuggle Max.

But she - our daycare provider - isn't me. She doesn't know that when he gets a little fussy, whispering "I love you buddy" over and over in his ear will calm him down. She doesn't know that he doesn't like when his feet get cold. She doesn't know that he likes to hold on to a pointer finger, but not a thumb. She doesn't know that he needs to be held and rocked while singing the special "I Love You" song Daddy made up 5 times before he can lie down to sleep.

She can get instructed about all of these things, but she'll never do it the way I do.

And that is what makes me sad... he won't be with me.

Send me some prayers tomorrow... it's going to be a long, tearful day.