Do I Look Pregnant, or Just Fat?

Back from the cabin. I was re-reading my last post, and I guess I owe myself $5, because I haven't peaked yet. This is the first and only time I will say this... thank goodness I did not O over the weekend. It took a lot of pressure off me to figure out how I was going to grab Mr. D and make sure we were doing our best to attempt. We actually didn't BD at all at the cabin, which was just fine with both of us... it would have been interesting to attempt sex on a creaky, old cabin bed. I much prefer my own bed.

The weekend was okay, although the sun never popped out under the thick clouds. We were with 3 other couples - two of which are currently expecting (one is who I just went to a baby shower for, and the other was the one who announced her pregnancy to friends during the baby shower... I wrote about that lovely experience in an earlier post). Momma-to-be #1 is about to pop - I think her due date is June 19, so I got to hear all about how life is going to change so much for them in a couple weeks and "oh my gosh, what if my water broke at the cabin?", and on-and-on-and-on. She actually was pretty calm over the weekend, and I am excited for her to welcome her son in the next couple weeks.

Momma-to-be #2 was flat-out annoying, and asked me straight out at least two times, "Do you think I look fat or do I look pregnant?" She's at that awkward stage of being somewhere around 16 weeks, so you could really go either way. My first - polite - answer to that stupid question was, "Oh, I think you look fine - by the way, I really like your shirt" - total line of BS. Mr. D read right into that one as I caught him smirking. When she asked me the same question a couple hours later, when I had a few cocktails down, my response was a bit more irritated. I think I said something to the effect of, "Did you just seriously ask me that again? I don't know if you look fat or pregnant. Who cares?" Maybe that wasn't the nicest response, but I couldn't help it. That was only night #1 up at the cabin, and I was already sick of her ensuring the waiter brought her "VIRGIN bloody marys" and explaining to the waiter that she and the other woman are expecting. Barf. I can see myself being that excited and talking to Mr. D about it, but in front of other couples? Annoying.

I was exhausted this weekend. I think all of the pressure of TTC, monitoring, testing, etc. is really making me tired. On top of listening to pregnant women gush about how excited they are as they rest their hands on their bellies, I was not in the mood to party. I was in bed each night by 10:00 - beating both pregnant women and the others to bed each night. I didn't care. I needed rest.

So, still waiting on the big O. It really should be here any day now, so Mr. D and I had our little fun this afternoon after getting back from the cabin. Given I was on Clomid 100 mgs this month, I would be shocked if I don't O, but of course now I am second-guessing everything. Oh, well, it will all happen in due time.

Planning

It's cycle day 15, and no peak yet. I always get a little nervous around this cycle day each month... are we BD'ing enough? Am I allowing enough time between "sessions"? Am I going to O this month? It turns into a game of planning... calendars, schedules, tests, everything. If my calculations are correct, I should be ovulating on Saturday or Sunday.

A few months ago, we found out that the annual trip we do each year with our friends up north (imagine cabins, a lake, pontoon, bars that are on the lake.... it's so much fun) has been scheduled for this weekend. Great. That means that, between the beers, outdoor time, BBQs, and time spent with friends, I will need to whisper in Mr. D's ear that "it's time", and we get to quietly BD on a old-school cabin full-size bed with itchy sheets and a horrible mattress. All this time, we will be doing our best to not make any noise and make it quick... after all, our friends will be thinking, "are they seriously getting it on in there?" Embarrassing.

Hopefully the big O surprises me and shows up early - as in, tomorrow or Friday. Or, I would be equally as happy if the big O showed up on Monday or Tuesday. But, just my luck, I will put $5 on the fact that my lovely CBFM will show that beautiful, holy peak right when we are ready to jump on the pontoon for the day. Mr. D is prepared and knows that I am expecting to O this month at the worst time possible, but we are totally at the point of just shrugging our shoulders. All of our meticulous planning hasn't got us anywhere yet, so maybe by just letting it happen this month, it will work to our benefit!

The every-other night BD thing is working really well so far (or, at least, allowing 48 hours between BDs). Without giving too much detail, I will just leave it at that. The experts know what they are talking about when they advise to give your man a day to "rest".

Here's to a peak.... soon!!

Not Alone

There are so many people in the same boat as us. Wow. Comfort isn't in the numbers of women who are struggling and numerous stories of TTC. Comfort is knowing that there is a huge community of people who sincerely care about sharing their story (ups, downs, you name it) and allowing others to share in their excitement, grief, and frustration of this process. This blog never would have came to be if I didn't turn to my computer and think, "there have got to be other people experiencing this... I want to find them."

One blog I ran across is on my blog list of ones I follow: http://fertilityfrenzy.blogspot.com/. I don't know what it is about her blog, but Dana, who writes about her struggles to become and stay pregnant (and is now expecting), really captured my attention. I don't know her, and probably won't meet her, but just by her sharing her story, I feel like I am engaged in her journey. And that's what this whole blog adventure is about.

I hope that if others stumble upon my blog, I am an inspiration to them to share their story. TTC is the most private experience, and if you are like me, the last thing you want to do is blab your plans and attempts to everyone you know. But, sharing your story in some form is healing. Or, at least, I have personally found this experience to be a good outlet for me. I can count on one hand the number of people in my life who know that I have this blog... and that number includes Mr. D and myself. Maybe at some point I will want to share with my family and friends, but not yet. It's still sensitive enough to Mr. D and me that I don't want to share with my acquaintences. But sharing it online only helps me gain support and a sincere, humble, reassuring sense of "I am not alone."

Pre-pregnancy Weight?

As I've mentioned, I've been reading a lot. Something that I've come across in my research is a concept that I think is really interesting... pre-pregnancy weight, meaning the pounds women put on as they are attempting to conceive. Think about the Freshmen-10 that you were scared shitless to gain your first year in college... kinda the same concept.

I've totally noticed I've put on weight. Probably 10 pounds or so since December (I rarely weigh myself, but can tell when my clothes fit differently). Ten pounds on me doesn't look all that different on me to most people though - being 5'7", it's one of the nice things about being a taller woman. Ten pounds doesn't look like ten pounds on a 5'2" woman. But regardless, I've put on a little bit of weight.

The more I thought about it in my own situation, it totally makes sense. It's not that I've stopped exercising and became a couch potato eating Doritos every night (although that does sound good), but it's almost like I've been trying to prep my body for a baby. I can't explain it, but I know subconsiously I've been holding out on as much exercise as I should get because I'm trying to "lay low" and relax. I smirk at this, thinking, the cardinal rule of becoming pregnant is to be healthy - in your relationships, body, mind, etc. Maybe I need to focus on the 'body' part of that equation.

So, what did I do this weekend, after I came to the realization that I am indeed packing on the pre-pregnancy pounds? In true Mrs. D style - balls to the walls, so to speak - I worked it this weekend. Oh, yeah, I felt it afterwards, too. Miles of outdoor running on Saturday, miles of outdoor running on Monday, golfing on Monday, lots of walks. I actually feel guilty right now that I am sitting at my computer, sipping on wine, and typing... i should be outside running!

So - my commitment to myself is to my own body, not only for a body that I hope to grow inside of me someday (although that would be a great outcome, too). At work, we focus on the five components of well-being, which I love (check it out... it's based on a great book/author - Well Being: The Five Essential Elements). Health, community, social, financial, and career are the components we work with at my workplace. At first glance, sure, it seems like I've got a good handle on these factors. But really... I could do better in all of these components.

And while I have plans in place to tackle almost all five, I am going to place special focus on the health component, which is made up of physical, spiritual, and emotional well-being. After all, it's not only really good for me and in my best interest, but our little one will benefit at some point, too.

Renewed Energy

I'm feeling good. I'm on CD4 and feeling like this could be the month. I made the decision that we will move forward with the 100 mg dosages of Clomid this month, and I start tomorrow. The only thing I am planning to change is how much BDing we do between CD10-17. I know the instructions (and my Doctor) tell me to BD every-other day between these days after taking Clomid CD5-9, but I think what has happened in the past two months is that we've depleted Mr. D's reserves. By the time I peak and O around CD19-20, he doesn't have much more to give. And I've learned by using my trusty CBFM that I O later than the average CD14. So, time will tell what this month brings, but I think we will start the every-other day BD process around CD14 or 15.

I've been reading a ton. I have found online comfort in reading about others' experiences, and although I never wish upon anyone that they are in the same situation as us, there is a piece of me that is finding comfort in knowing that it's not just us. There are so many women who struggle with the same questions, feelings, and emotions... and document them the same way I am. The TTC community is pretty amazing... there are so many wonderful support networks, encouraging couples, and sources of knowledge. I hope we graduate to the "Expecting Parents Club" soon (this month, Lord?? Please?!), but in the meantime am feeling a renewed spirit this month. I know our time will come when we will be parents - we just need to keep having patience, keep trying, and believe.

And, it's a wash.

AF arrived today. Right on time. Was totally expecting her, after cramps and "the feeling" of getting my period arrived yesterday. What I didn't expect was the emotion that came with her this time - wiping me out completely. Spent lots of time in the bathroom today at work - crying and trying to put myself together. Man, this is tough.

But - forge ahead, right? After a phone call to my Doctor to share the lovely news, she prescribed Clomid again. This time, 100 mgs., which is double the dosage I've been on, and I've read is pretty strong. I already warned Mr. D to be kind and stay at a distance. If it doesn't work this month, we get to face some pretty exciting tests: sperm analysis, sonogram, and a dye test where I drink some fluid and they ultrasound my ovaries and fallopian tubes to make sure nothing is blocked. They recommended getting this appointment on calendar so that we're ready to go if we fail at TTC yet again this month. How's that for optimism? But I know they are just trying to be prepared. So, we have an appointment on June 30. Best case scenario would be that our appointment turns into an early ultrasound after finding out we've been successful and have conceived.

So, here we go again. I have mixed feelings. About Clomid, about trying again, about this whole fertility monitor thing, about everything. I'm not questioning how much I want a baby, but just so worn out of the process that it's absolutely draining for me to keep putting on the happy face and being optimistic. Mr. D is being that person for me - telling me already that this will be the month, we just have to have faith. And I agree with him. But I'm worn out. My body, brain, and emotions are just exhausted. Some might say, "take the month off, then," but I would be too worried that we missed a prime opportunity. We aren't getting any younger! So, it is with this thought that I accept the challenge of TTC. Here we go!

Here's to the next month. Please pray for us that this is the last we are trying to TTC and that we are successful with a sticky baby this month. I know that's what I'll be praying.

... and waiting, and waiting.....

Still holding out hope. No AF yet. Man, does this 2ww play tricks on you. I've had all of the early symptoms: tender chest, headaches, tired, lightheaded, stuffy nose, etc. But I wonder how much I read into those things. Maybe I am imagining that those symptoms are worse than ever when really it's nothing out of the ordiinary.

I should be expecting AF today or tomorrow. I resisted a HPT this morning, and probably will resist tomorrow, too. If nothing by Thursday, I might take another and see where we're at. Hoping for that + :)