I Didn't Miss Her One Bit

She's baaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

AF.

Over four months after the birth of my little guy, AF showed up. Completely unexpected (but, really, when should have I expected her?). I did a triple-take this morning in the bathroom when I realized what was going on.

To be honest, I am a bit happy she's here. I've been wondering what the heck is going on... my doctor said it would take a few months for her to show up again, but I was thinking more like 2 months after delivering. Also, I am going to start tracking again, hoping that in a couple of "regular" cycles, we'll be back on the TTC wagon again.

But, overall, I didn't miss her at all. The cramps, bloating, tampons... it all came back to me, and after my one minute of happiness faded away, I realized that I get to deal with her for the next week or so.

{Sigh.}

Welcome back, AF, welcome back.

Tears

I don't remember being as sad as I was this morning in a long time. Not throughout IF, not with my miscarriage, never through pregnancy, labor, birth, or post-partum.

I cried myself to sleep last night, woke up crying, cried getting ready, and cried in the car bringing Max to daycare.

Seriously, I could not get a grip, and I couldn't figure out why. I mean, sure, it isn't fun to leave your kid, but I knew he would be safe, cuddled, and protected. Were hormones finally rearing their ugly head? Who knows.

It was all I could do to hand him over to Susan this morning. She started asking me questions - how much has he eaten already this morning, have you changed his diaper recently, do you think he will nap this morning - and all of a sudden I got so choked up that I couldn't breathe, let alone answer her questions. Thankfully, Mr. D did drop-off with me this morning and could answer her questions as tears streamed down my face.

I cried all the way in to work, and finally was able to get a grip about 2 miles from my office. As soon as I stepped in to work, I was fine. It was the weirdest thing. Did I think about Max today? All the time. But I wasn't sad necessarily - just wondering what he was doing and if he was having fun. A few co-workers stopped by today, knowing that today would be tough.

I didn't get a ton done at work today, although I did have a pretty good meeting with my boss where she was impressed with my organization and updates. Guess I put my game face on.

I left work around 3:00 and picked up Max around 3:45. He had a great day and knew me the second I walked in the door. About 1,000 pounds lifted from my shoulders as he flashed me the biggest smile I've seen in awhile.

No more tears :)

But She's Not Me

This may make some of my blog followers roll their eyes and think, "Oh, Mrs. D, come on now... get over it."

But, tomorrow is a big day for me. For us. For our family.

Max starts daycare.

I have not been emotional at all through my pregnancy, birth, post-birth... nothing. No tears about anything. But daycare? Waterworks. I've cried about it since I started realizing it was real... my baby goes to this woman's home (who is completely lovely and I know will be wonderful for our little man) and he spends his whole day with her and 7 other little kids.

I am sitting here, bawling as I type.

Do I regret going back to work? Not in the least. I love my work so, so much, and not only do I selfishly want to have a career outside of being a mom, but I know it makes me a better mother (plus, who am I kidding... my salary keeps me working).

But, do I want my son to go to a foreign daycare every weekday, which I know he'll get to know and love but until then, he'll probably think I dropped him at a stranger's home with lots of crazy kids?

No. It makes me cry harder to think about it.

The worst thing is thinking that he might forget who I am. I know, realistically, that he'll remember me as soon as I say, "Hey, buddy!" when I pick him up, but still... will he wonder why his parents dropped him off in an environment that isn't his own?

I know our daycare provider will do a wonderful job cuddling, feeding, changing, and playing with him. Her name is Susan and she has had an in-home daycare for the past 33 years. She is the picture of a cuddly, warm grandma in her mid-to-late 50's. Super sweet, kind, and can't wait to snuggle Max.

But she - our daycare provider - isn't me. She doesn't know that when he gets a little fussy, whispering "I love you buddy" over and over in his ear will calm him down. She doesn't know that he doesn't like when his feet get cold. She doesn't know that he likes to hold on to a pointer finger, but not a thumb. She doesn't know that he needs to be held and rocked while singing the special "I Love You" song Daddy made up 5 times before he can lie down to sleep.

She can get instructed about all of these things, but she'll never do it the way I do.

And that is what makes me sad... he won't be with me.

Send me some prayers tomorrow... it's going to be a long, tearful day.

Thankfulness

I feel like I have been absent from my blog for awhile, and I promise to be a better blogger next month. Time is zooming by... Max is getting so big, I went back to work (more on that in another post), and every day is a detailed plan of how things need to get executed to keep everything moving in our household.

It would feel like a miss to me if I didn't post today... Thanksgiving. Mr. D is upstairs feeding Max, I am still in my pajamas, and have a few Thanksgiving dishes yet to make, so I'll make it quick...

THANKS can't really sum up the true, heartfelt gratitude I have for everything in my life. Our marriage, our lives, our careers, our new house, our health, our spirits, our families, our friends... my cup is overflowing with joy and I have so, so much to give thanks for this year.

Oh, and that little boy named Max? You better believe we are giving thanks for him this year. He is an absolute blessing, and for the journey, the sacrifices, the heartache, my pregnancy, and eventually... our healthy, happy, beautiful son, we are forever thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my blogging friends... I am also so thankful for YOU. I never thought I could grow close to a group of women who I don't even know, but you all are my soul sisters. I keep thinking, "maybe some day I'll get to travel to Florida/Kentucky/Nebraska (insert your state here) and get to meet ____!"

Blessings to you and your families!

XOXO
Mrs. D

Ready to Share

It's no surprise to anyone following my blog that I seem to be "vague."

I go by the alias of "Mrs. D," my husband is "Mr. D," and I've never posted pictures of our family.

I'm not 100% sure why, to be honest. Without giving it a lot of thought, I started this blog while I was in my secretive place of TTC... not telling anyone, really, in real life, what we were struggling with.

And, somehow, over time, that changed. I wanted to be able to share, but for some reason, it felt weird to do so on this blog. I went on for so long without posting private details about our life that it all of a sudden felt even more awkward to post pictures, names, and details about our lives. So I chose to stay private.

This blog will continue... it has become part of me. But I think I will continue to keep it semi-private, kind of how our TTC struggles have been. I am still part of the community, especially as we start thinking about TTC #2 within the next few months, and I feel a sense of wanting to honor the way in which I started this blog... as a place to share but not have to "answer" to anyone who might know me. I know this all might sound weird, but for someone who knows me in real life, I think you'll not only understand, but also totally get where I am coming from.

So - the reason for my post: if you are interested in learning more about me and our family (totally non-IF related), please leave me a comment and I'll send you my new blog address. NOTE: It's not a replacement blog, just my second one.

Hope everyone is having a good week... winter is officially on its way here in MN!

XOXO
Mrs. D

Dear Life, Please Slow Down

It's going by too fast. By that, I mean everything... Max continues to grow before our eyes (how can he be 11 weeks already?!), my maternity leave is slowly coming to an end, summer is officially over here in MN, and the holidays are right around the corner.

I get a little anxious when I get caught up in time, the lack there of, and how it seems to fly by sometimes.

However fast time may be flying around here, life is good. No, life is great. I am starting to get a bit anxious over my transition back to work, which is scheduled to happen on November 15. I was promoted to a bigger leadership role while I was on maternity leave, and I am thrilled to be going back to a bigger, even more exciting job with a team to lead. Max will be starting daycare on December 5. Between November 15 and December 5, Mr. D has a week of paternity leave, I will be off a few days, and our mothers are watching him a couple days. I am so happy that I will have a couple of weeks back at work to transition back in before Max goes to daycare. I think going back and starting him in daycare all at once would be too much for me. Not only am I excited to get back to work because I love my company and job, but I am excited for Max. He needs interaction with other kids in an environment that I can't provide him. I know it will be so good for him to be with other kids, watch them play, and be stimulated by others. Of course, it breaks my heart that I have to leave him, but I am praying that the transition works for our family.

I can not believe it is almost the holidays. I was at Ann Taylor Loft on Monday, picking up a few items to freshen up my work wardrobe (it's been awhile since I wore non-maternity clothes!), and "All I Want for Christmas is You" was playing. Holy crap... I am NOT ready for jingle bell tunes yet.

I hope everyone who reads my blog is well. I seem to have lost a few followers over the past few months, and I truly thank those still staying connected to my blog. It's nice to have blog buddies :) I think about everyone and their unique journeys often!

All Clear

I had my post-delivery check up with my OB.

All good. My C-section incision looks good, my weight is 8 pounds lighter than pre-pregnancy, I am in good spirits, and my uterus is back down to its pre-pregnancy size. I can exercise (even though I was way ahead of the game - without the Dr.'s okay... oops - and already back to running), get massages, have sex, and do whatever. The only caution my OB gave me is to take it easy on sit-ups, given my incision needing more time to heal internally. No problem... who likes sit-ups, anyway?!

She then asked me what kind of birth control she could prescribe. It felt SO WEIRD for her to ask me that, after the years and years of medicine I took and discussions about how to make pregnancy happen, not prevent it.

I chose none. If I get pregnant again now, great. We aren't exactly trying (meaning, not tracking or anything... I haven't even gotten my period yet), but if it happens, it happens. We are totally cool with that. We will officially start trying again next spring/summer. It would be awesome if, by Max's first birthday, I am pregnant again. Given how long it took us to get pregnant the first time, who's to say that the second time won't be equally, if not even more, hard? Plus, if we start next summer and it takes us another couple years... well, at least we were actively trying and not sitting back waiting. I've always wanted two kids, close together in age. I have a younger sister, and there are 6 years between us. We never were close, because we were raised almost like only children. She was still in elementary school when I started high school. We have never been close because of our distance in age. So, I've always known I want kids close together... 1 or 2 years, if possible. But given that I now know that infertility was - and is - a part of our lives, we will start trying sooner than later, knowing that it's certainly not a sure thing.

Otherwise, life is good. Max grows more and more everyday, as does our love for him. He turned two months this week... crazy. We are bringing him to the pumpkin patch on Saturday - Mr. D's birthday - I'll post pics afterwards :)

Hope everyone's week is going well! Enjoy this beautiful autumn day.

XOXO

Mrs. D