The Journey to a Little One to Call Our Own

One gal's experiences dealing with IF, pregnancy, the birth of our first son, parenthood, and doing it all over again with our second son... here is our journey.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Untitled, Because I Don't Know What To Title It

I'm not really sure what this post is about, to be honest. I just need to get some things out of my head, so I am going to start typing and hope that I have the courage to not go back and edit/erase things because my thoughts may not be nicely put together.

I've had a couple glasses of wine tonight, so maybe that's why I feel compelled to get this all out of my head.

I've realized that my IF struggles were NOTHING in comparison to others'. I never experienced hardcore IF. Although Mr. D and I both were emotional about the fact that it took us so long to conceive a baby - way outside the "plan" of what was "supposed" to happen in our opinions - we only scratched the surface of what it's like to truly deal with IF issues.

I've been surfing around on a few sites this evening and come to the realization that, damn, we are so blessed. Lucky. Fortunate. Whatever you want to call it. So many people have been through the trenches - way more than we ever even discussed before we conceived, let alone experienced along our journey.

I wonder what it would be like for us if we were still on the quest to achieve parenthood. Would I resent my husband (Lord, I hope not... he's the best thing that ever happened to me)? Would he resent me? Would we go to counseling? Would we live child-free? Would we adopt? Would we take the next recommended steps outlined by our RE?

Who knows. All I know is I am truly blessed. I have an amazing son to show for the IF we went through, and we love him to pieces.

And now we are on the journey to think about #2.

And that starts the tapes over from the beginning. There's no pause button in IF. You can't pick up where you left off. You either pause, stop, and start over from the beginning, or, if you are fortunate like us, you get to play the whole tape from the beginning, see it to the end, and decide if you want to watch it again. However, there's no guarantee that it won't stop mid-way again and start over from the beginning.

I know, I know... far fetched, but go with me here.

I've always imagined having two children. And I desperately want another. I know after going through IF how lucky I am to have a child in the first place. If God wants to only bless me with one, then I am completely content.

If that keeps my family, life, and marriage in tact... then I happy with whatever life hands me.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Solids and a Winter Wonderland

Little Man tried solids for the first time last night! He started with rice cereal. At first he loved it... spoon went into his mouth and he gobbled it down without even tasting it. By the third spoonful, he realized that, although eating from a spoon was fun, he didn't like how it tasted. He would scrunch his face up in the same way as if you were forcing me to eat squash. Here's a pic:

And... after an extremely mild winter here in MN, snow has finally arrived. We received a few inches of white, fluffy snow last night and this morning... enough to mess up the morning commute. I decided to work from home today and not attempt the drive to and from work. The snow is beautiful, but after a few days, it gets old and I am officially ready for spring. Hoping that the spring time comes soon!

Sunday, January 22, 2012

I Can't Rock It Like I Used To

We were at Mr. D's company holiday party last night, and there were a LOT of tasty alcoholic beverages available. I chose Char.donnay, and after a few glasses, was feeling pretty good. Max was at home with his Grandmother for the evening.

This morning... wow. Worst. Headache. Ever. I can't go out and have cocktails the same way I used to. How did I used to do this in college, and wake up the next day and function? I am getting old.

Max's second tooth officially popped through, so we now have a 2-toothed, drooly little boy. Next weekend, Mr. D and I are going to send Max to his grandparents' house for a day so that we can concentrate on baby-proofing our house. He started scooting this week, so on top of rolling over all over the floor, he is now officially mobile. Holy crap!

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

I am going to take some more Ad.vil now...

Here's a recent pic of our little man... the sweater he is wearing was hand-sewed by a family friend. It's a goofy sweater, which is why I love his expression. He's like, "Uh, Mom? Can you get me out of this itchy, weird sweater?"

Wednesday, January 18, 2012


I wonder if people who struggle with IF have more of an affinity towards being pregnant. I dealt with my fair share of struggles to get pregnant, then became pregnant, had an amazing pregnancy, loved every second of being pregnant, and now have a beautiful son.

But I miss being pregnant every single day. It's to the point where I struggle even looking at pregnant women. I don't know if it brings up memories of my own pregnancy that I loved (although I worried every day that I would miscarry again) or if it's because I so badly pray that getting pregnant again will not be such a challenge. But I find myself having a hard time looking at and thinking of pregnant women.

Not over-analyzing here, but I think my so-called jealousy stems from years of IF. We all want to be pregnant so badly. But what I am surprised about is, after I went through a successful pregnancy that produced a live baby, that yearning to be pregnant is still there.

Damn you, IF. You just never go away.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

It's Been Too Long

Dang, I haven't posted in awhile.

I have just not had time to sit down and write a good post. But I am keeping up with my bloggie friends' blogs, and I realized... it's not the quantity of blog goodness that is important, it's the quality. And sometimes not even the quality, but the sheer quick update of what's going on. That's my new goal: even if my posts aren't lengthy, wonderfully-written, or poetic, I will post more frequently. I feel better when I am committed to my blog. I didn't take on this whole writing-of-a-blog thing just to throw it to the wind... it's part of me, part of my story. And I need to do a better job of keeping up with it :)

I am sitting in a hotel room in Toronto, Canada... first time to Canada. I'm here for work for 4 days - the first time I have been away from my little man over night. Am I sad? Well, sure I miss him. But it is good for both of us... he needs to be taken care of by just Daddy, and I need to focus on some huge work meetings happening here this week.

So, what's new? Here's just a few bullets:

  • Christmas was great for everyone except for me. On Christmas Eve, in front of my whole family (who I was hosting for drinks/appetizers/holiday cheer), I started to violently vomit. Seriously, it came out of nowhere, and I was either in the bathroom on the floor or curled up in a ball in my bed for the next 24 hours. It was horrible.

  • New Years was uneventful... we fell asleep at 10:30 p.m. LAME. Honest to goodness - I can't believe that we are turning into our parents.

  • Max continues to be the most wonderful little boy. He is almost 5 months, and he is keeping us on our toes daily. I can't take my eyes off him when he's on the changing table or on the floor... the kid rolls over from back-to-front and front-to-back constantly. Last week, I put him in the middle of our living room, went to pour coffee, and came back to my little man about 8 feet away from where I put him. He had rolled and scooted to the other side of the room. Child-proofing EVERYTHING is in our immediate future.

  • Max has two teeth on the bottom... first one popped through on January 9 and the other one joined his cute little mouth yesterday.

  • We are starting rice cereal on Friday... should be interesting :) He constantly watches Mr. D and I eat, and I can tell he's ready to chomp down some of his own food.

  • AF arrived on 12/23 and hasn't returned... not sure I ovulated, though. I didn't track this cycle, but now wish I would have because I am dying to see if my body goes right back to not knowing how to be normal.

  • We are planning to start trying for #2 this spring. More about that in an upcoming post.

Have a great week!
Mrs. D