The Journey to a Little One to Call Our Own

One gal's experiences dealing with IF, pregnancy, the birth of our first son, parenthood, and doing it all over again with our second son... here is our journey.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

This Month's Hopes & Dreams...

... Are pretty much down the drain.

I think so, anyway. I've been having terrible cramps all day... just lovely. I hate how you can just tell when you're just about to start a cycle... makes me so crabby. AF should be right around the corner very soon, destroying - yet again this month - my deepest hopes and dreams for a baby.

Damn it.

ONLY good news on the TTC front: in two days, Mr. D and I will be sitting in the RE's office. I pray she has some answers, or at least can provide some hope.

We need it.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Do You Ever Forget About It?

I'm 7 DPO. How the hell did that happen?

I barely remember BDing last week, what day of week I had my HSG, and the daily monitoring of CBFM every morning... let alone having my period this month. All of these things are so cyclical, as if it's a part of this larger, timed out process, and I can't believe it's almost been a month since I had my last AF. Damn, time is flying.

I've been so preoccupied with this whole house thing, that this month has been out-of-sorts for us. It's kind of been nice on the TTC front, though - makes things easier when the time flies and I'm not thinking about how-many-days-until-I-can-grab-one-of-my-HPTs-and-pee-on-it-and-pray-for-a-positive. Instead, for the first time in over a year, I am thinking, "Holy shit... I am almost due to start testing. I hope it's a positive." I sure hope it's a good thing that I've been overly-relaxed about TTC this time around.

But the thoughts of "it" never go away. "It" refers to TTC, the struggle, reminders, and sad feelings that come with being infertile. I never really completely forgot about it this month... not even for a day... and I know I never will. Sure, my TTC thoughts most recently aren't all-consuming of my every waking moment, but I sure can't forget about the road we're on.

Monday, July 19, 2010


This blog has turned into my story about trying to become pregnant, but I have to remind myself that there are other parts of my life, too, that I focus on. Like this whole process of trying to sell our house. And, my dear friends, after 10 days on the market...


We had one showing Thursday night, and the second on Saturday morning. Let me tell you, if you have never had to stage a house for sale before, I think it is stressful (well, it is for perfectionists, such as Mr. D and myself). And, I've said this a couple times already... I can't imagine doing it with kids. I am sure if you have kids, you can totally get a house ready for sale... people do it all the time. But, wow... even just keeping my stuff situated, organized, and orderly was an ordeal. Everything has to be in its place, dishes out of the dishwasher, mirrors cleaned, furniture dusted, etc. After our Thursday evening showing that was supposed to be 45 minutes turned into 3 hours (didn't even get back in our house to make dinner until 8:30), I was praying that our house would sell soon.

And what do you know. Our second showing with new people was Saturday. Mr. & Mrs. Buyers came in on Saturday morning at 9:00 a.m., stayed until 11:15 a.m. (Mr. D, my dog, and I were sitting in our car across the small pond from our house drinking Starbucks iced coffees, eating our Einstein bagels, and spying on them). We had an offer in our hands that afternoon, we countered back the next morning, and they re-presented their revised offer by noon. We accepted that afternoon. We close September 3!

Holy crap, do I have a lot to do :)

I know some people sit on the market for days - months - years before they can sell in this crappy market. I feel totally blessed that the right people are buying our place (their offer is non-contingent and they have 20% down, so we are as close to guaranteed as possible that they will actually close), and that this happened so quickly. With all of our TTC efforts, I think God knew that I couldn't take much more stress in my life :)

So, back to TTC. I am on Day 21 and hoping for that BFP next weekend... thinking I'll test around Saturday or Sunday, if I can hold out that long. Mr. D and I did everything we needed to this month to make it happen... it's up to God now. Of course, my tummy has started to feel funny, but I can't tell if it's cramps, funny things happening because a baby is in there, or I am just freaking out because of the fact that we have no idea where we will live in 6 weeks.

Hope everyone is having a great week!

Friday, July 16, 2010

"I'm Telling You This As Though You Are My Friend..."

At 9:30 a.m. this morning, I was enjoying an iced coffee on the sofa with a good friend of mine at Caribou Coffee. I was sitting back, relaxing, smiling, and listening to her tell me, with bright blue eyes and a huge smile, "I think we both really like each other!"

My good friend, K, met a boy online, and they've been dating for a couple weeks. So cute. It made my day to listen to her. I love that she said "I think we both really like each other"... not "I really like him!" Remember that feeling back when you were dating, and you thought, "gosh, I think he likes me... I sure like him, so I hope he likes me." My friend, K, was so cute, and... in love, I think :)

At 9:44 a.m., my phone rang. I recognized that phone number in an instant... my Doctor.

K is one of the 4 friends I have that know about our struggles with infertility. I quickly said, "That's my Doctor's office," and K totally understood. I answered, and quickly ducked out of Caribou to chat. I had called her two days ago to discuss the results of my HSG last week (given I was pretty out-of-it when the results were explained to me, as I had just come out of a seizure about 3 minutes before seeing the X-ray, and Mr. D was completely dazed by just happened to his wife). My Doctor was returning my call.

After being totally sympathetic and super-nice about asking me how I was feeling after my horrible HSG experience last week, she got down to business.

Basically, in so many words, she told me: A) I have a pretty majorly blocked left fallopian tube that is pretty-well illustrated on the X-ray, B) I need a laparoscopy to clear out the tube, C) I have a less-than-50% chance that one of my eggs can actually float down my tube to be fertilized (on top of the 20% chance that we would even conceive in a given month), and D) other than performing the laparoscopy, there wasn't much more she could do for me.

She told me I have two options at this point:

1. Schedule a laparoscopy with her. I need to research this more... I know a little about this surgery, but need to learn more. I know it's common amongst us infertiles, but I need to learn more about what's in store. Not that I have a choice... if I need to do it, I will... but still, I need to digest what this means for me.

2. Take her advice from my June appointment, and establish a relationship and appointment with an RE. She said, "I'm telling you this as though you are my friend... you need to see an RE. There's not much more I can do to help you get pregnant." She continued to say that the RE would likely order a laparoscopy on my first appointment, and that I should call and schedule with her so that I can save $$ (my Doctor is cheaper than the RE). She said, "I can't wait to see you again once you're pregnant!"

Yuck. I called Mr. D and told him all about the conversation. He was at work, so our conversation was pretty short and to-the-point. But, although short, he knows how bummed out I am... and I could feel the fact that he knew how I felt over the phone. He is sad with me, but also looks on the positive side of this, and he helps me to know that this whole infertility thing is not the only thing running our lives.

So, yes, this sucks. It blows and I feel defeated. But, what do I do? I want to punch a wall and cry at the top of my lungs, but I am also numb and feeling like I don't give a shit.

I know women go through this all the time, so I don't mean to think I-am-the-only-one.

I just keep thinking... why didn't we try to start having babies WAY before we actually wanted them?

Anyway... that's my rant for the day.

Back to the beginning of my post, I can't help but smile thinking about what it's like to truly be smitten with someone. K is so cute and happy... I love when people feel good. Mr. D makes me smile and I am so glad one of my friends is smiling about her new boy.

I'm telling you this as though you are my friend... if you don't have it already, find a way to be loved and in-love. It's a pretty cool feeling. :)

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Random Day

I woke up around 6:15 this morning, peed on my CBFM stick, and to my surprise.... PEAK.

And what did I do about it?

Absolutely nothing... so far.

I was glad to see that peak, though. It means I ovulated - WITHOUT the help of Clomid! I am finding relief in that, given that my Doctor continues to want me to take it. If I can ovulate on my own, why would I need Clomid anymore?

I showed Mr. D my CBFM this morning, and his eyes grew large. "Should we do it before work?" was what we both contemplated, and finally (hoping I don't regret this decision), I said, "Nah, it's fine. Whatever. Let's just do it tonight."

In months prior, I would have taken Mr. D by the hands and escorted him to our bed immediately. This month (and I don't know why I am so passive), my attitude is much more "it is what it is". We'll for sure BD tonight, but did we miss our window of time? Who knows. I'm not stressed out about it.

My new Blogger buddy, Jes, just posted an awesome piece titled "maybe i am a bad friend". I need to reflect on her post and my own personal struggle with this some more, because I totally feel the same way. I've felt that way with my own friends (and, to some extents, family) for awhile now, and have thought for quite some time that I need to put my feelings and thoughts into words. I need to think some more about it... I think it will turn into a post at some point. Nonetheless (don't you love that word?!), thanks, Jes, for inspiring me.

Off to grab some late dinner....

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

To: Infertility - Love: Mrs. D

After meeting my friend's new 7-week old beautiful daughter for the first time last night, receiving all of my billing/insurance information to confirm prior to my first RE appointment, and waking up this morning to the most painful bladder infection I've had in years (yes, due to our strategic BD sessions TTC yet again this month), I am so fed up with everything. I'm kind of crabby. Okay, not kind of crabby... I am crabby. As I sit at my computer, slamming my third 15-ounce bottle of cranberry juice to ease the pain inside and outside down-there, I thought I would write a little letter.

Hey, infertility: YOU SUCK. Do you have any idea how much of my life you have now consumed? I think about you CONSTANTLY. Each time I use the restroom, make love to my husband, see a toddler running around at the park, have the pleasure of engaging in a conversation amongst women about breast-feeding, walk around the baby section at the mall, or find out that *another* friend is expecting, YOU ARE ALWAYS WITH ME. And you continue to make it feel like a dagger rips through my heart each time you remind me that you exist in my life. I hate you. I hate that you're a part of my life, and that you remind me about your presence ALL THE TIME. I have never felt so empty until you started screwing with my already-planned-out-thank-you-very-much life. You make me feel like I am not fully a woman. You make me plan specific times when I can have sex with the love of my life... screw the thought of true spontaneity. You remind us that, from your perspective, sex is all about the baby making attempts. You make me test, chart, and track everyday so that I can wait in anxious hope, only to be let down by another negative HPT right before delivering my monthly gift.

Infertility, as much as I am sick of you and never wanted you in my life in the first place, you actually have taught me a few things. First, I am pretty lucky to have the things I do have in my life, and maybe I did take them for granted at times. I am working on that. Second, I now have the most amazing sense of my body. I can feel when I ovulate, when I am getting AF, and when something just doesn't feel right. And third, you've taught me that I just cannot plan this out, and you are something I am just going to have to deal with. I don't necessarily like the third thing you've taught me, but it's becoming more and more of a realization, and I am starting to accept it and make plans to deal with you.

Infertility, you've taught me more than just the above. You've taught Mr. D and I both to be strength pillars for one another. I hate to give you credit for that, but it's true. I've never needed Mr. D more than I have in the past few months, and our bond is stronger now more than ever.

Infertility, if and when you ever choose to leave my life (or maybe at least ease up a bit and finally let me conceive a healthy baby), I promise I won't ever forget you. You've put me through more stress, anxiety, and emotional work than anything in my life, including a pretty tense career in Corporate America. You will stick with me like a bad-looking, faded, grayish-brownish-black tattoo that keeps getting uglier by the years. If your goal was to mess up my life, you can call this one mission accomplished.

But, I will win this war, infertility. In some shape or form... I will win.

So, in closing, infertility... you are welcome to leave anytime. I am sick of you and want nothing more than for you to leave for good.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

My CBFM Isn't Happy With Me...

I totally overslept and missed my window to test. Crap. In 4 months, I have never missed turning it on, but this morning, my body just could not wake up after the stress of this week, and I missed my window by 30 minutes. Anyone else experienced this?

It showed me a prediction of "low" again (Day 12), which is accurate - so, I think everything is okay and we can just jump right back in tomorrow morning. But my perfectionist tendencies are kicking in, making me think, "Holy crap, you just messed up the whole cycle because your body just couldn't wake up. Why didn't you set an alarm?"

Oh, well. Mistakes happen, I guess.

Good news, blog friends... I made an appointment with an RE! Friday, July 30 is the big day. Either I will know I am pregnant by July 30 and may not need this appointment, or will be, yet again, confused and frustrated, and dying to get in. Either way, timing is perfect.

This RE, Dr. E., came highly recommended by my current Doctor, so I am excited to meet her. I think we've now completed all the tests we can prior to starting with this particular RE, so I hope we're in a good place. Dr. E., here we come!

Friday, July 9, 2010

Words to Live By

I forgot to post this quote this morning that I ran across from another blogger who I follow, Rebecca. Given my drive for planning and consistency and my personal quest to let this journey take us where God wants it to, this totally resonated me and I thought I would share it:

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." - Joseph Campbell

HSG = Not Fun

Mr. D and I are now just waking up from completely hitting the sheets last night, totally exhausted. A few glasses of wine last evening helped us fall right asleep. :) Yesterday was the busiest, craziest day.

It started out at 6 am, when we both got up to put the finishing touches on our cleaning. Our Realtor was over at 9 am to take pictures. Our place is officially on the market! Holy crap, was that a process. Mr. D and I worked our TAILS off cleaning, organizing, and getting everything staged. It will all be worth it if someone wants to buy it! The house looks so good that it's hard to take anything out of its place.

We then went to lunch at my favorite little cafe prior to driving out to our appointment. My regular Doctor is on vacation this week, but was adamant that I get in for the HSG with another Doctor at a sister clinic. The clinic was about an hour away from our house. My appointment was at 1:30, but they got me into the X-ray room about 12:45. After I changed into hospital robes and booties, Mr. D and I sat in the room with the X-ray technician, Barb, for the next 45 minutes while she told us about the procedure. I think she could tell I was nervous, so she purposely stayed and chatted with us. She was super nice.

Around 1:30, the Doctor came in. He said a few words about what he was going to do, and got to work. He put the catheter-like instrument in first (painful part #1 that was described to me that I wrote about in this post). Mr. D was holding my hand, thank goodness. The catheter going in was painful, but manageable, and I could breathe through it. The Doctor said my uterus would be having small contractions, and I could certainly feel them.

Then, the crazy part began.

The doctor called in the X-ray Doctor to take pictures of my uterus and tubes (so, at this point, it is me on the table, 2 Doctors, Barb, and Mr. D in the room). I barely remember seeing the X-ray Doctor's face, because right at the time he came in the room, the other Doctor started administering the dye, and my whole body started to shake once I felt the uncontrollable, horrible, utter shock of pain (painful part #2 and #3 together). Everything was tingly, and I remember saying, "I think I am going to pass out," before everything went black.

I passed out and had a seizure on the table for about a minute and a half before coming back. When I woke up, I could hear the Doctor yelling to Barb, "CANCEL THE CODE - SHE'S WAKING UP" just as 2 additional doctors came rushing in. I could also hear an announcement over the clinic intercom: "CODE BLUE IN X-RAY; CODE BLUE IN X-RAY." I guess they have to call back-up in case my passing out was due to allergy from the dye and they needed to give me an epi-pen. Mr. D was there to witness it all, and when I woke up in a complete daze, the look of horror on his face is one I don't think I'll ever forget. I've been known to pass out before (lightheaded, dehydrated, etc), but never because of pain. Later, I found out that my eyes were wide open for about a minute, staring at Mr. D, as my legs and arms went completely crazy (I was kicking and punching and squirming - which was the seizure part) before completely passing out for about 15 seconds. Right when I woke up, the Doctor took the instrument out of me, and we were done. Thank GOD they were able to get the pictures they needed while I was passed out - the last thing I wanted once I woke up was to be told that we needed to do this all over again.

I ended up puking in a barf bucket on the table. Mr. D and Barb were putting cold washcloths on my forehead and neck, as I woke up in a pool of sweat. I could barely move. We stayed in that X-ray room for about a 1/2 hour before I could walk out to the little waiting room where I drank water and laid on Mr. D's shoulder. Barb put me in a wheelchair and wheeled me out to the car. I owe her the biggest thank-you note - she was so incredibly kind and mother-like. She gave me a hug as I got out of the wheelchair and asked to hear about when I do get pregnant. If and when that day comes, I promised her I would get in touch with her to share the news. And I meant it.

I slept the whole way home and woke up with feelings of dry heaving. It was horrible. Had I not seized and passed out, the procedure itself probably would have been not fun, but given what my body had been through, I felt like shit for a few hours with on-and-off feelings of passing out again, puking, and napping. Mr. D was there for me through it all. In a way, I felt bad asking him to come in the X-ray room with me, but looking back and given what happened, I am SO GLAD he was there. I can't imagine what his reaction would have been if they would have come out to the waiting room and said, "Sir, your wife just had a seizure and passed out and we need you to come back here."

So, for the procedure results. Results of the test are still being processed and I talk with my actual Doctor next week about really what is going on, but the Doctors, Barb, and Mr. D saw it on the screen as I was seizing on the table (and the Doctor kind of told me, too). The reason the shooting of the dye was so painful is that my left tube is pretty blocked. The right one shot out dye right away (Mr. D described it as an 'explosion'), which is great - meaning it's open, but the other tube expanded and the dye stopped right at the blockage. A little dye seeped through, meaning there is a little passage, but pretty much, it's blocked. GREAT. We'll see what all comes of that once my real Doctor is back next week. For now, it sucks to feel like I am the one contributing to the fact that we can't get pregnant, but I am trying not to look at it that way. Let's just hope that my right ovary releases this month so that when Mr. D's sperm swim up, they have a nice, non-blocked tube to travel down.

We went to dinner last night, which is what we both totally needed. Glasses of Cabernet, seared ahi, and shrimp pasta was the perfect ending to an otherwise-crazy day.

I will post again after I connect with my actual Doctor about next steps. I am calling a few REs today to see if I can get an appointment scheduled, knowing that this will most likely be the direction my Doctor will want me to go in.

Happy weekend, everyone!

Monday, July 5, 2010

Amazing Video

You HAVE to check out this video. I ran across it on one of my cyberspace friend's blogs, and I cried the whole way through. Not every single phrase directly correlates with Mr. D and my experience, but most are pretty darn close.

This says it all. No need for me to try to explain it anymore - this video pretty much sums it up. I think it is beautiful, heartbreaking, uplifting, and incredibly sad... all at the same time. Kinda like this whole journey.

The infertility community is amazing. There are so many loving people who experience the same hardships and I am so fortunate to have found support.

Change of Focus

Time flies when you're having fun.

Or, maybe not having fun, but being crazy busy. I'm already 8 DPO, and it feels like I just got AF. We've been SUPER busy getting our house ready to hit the market this week. We've only lived here for 4.5 years, but it's amazing to me how much shit we've accumulated in that amount of time. We've made at least 4 trips to Goodwill, and numerous runs to our U-Haul storage unit. The manager of U-Haul, who we've seen on every trip to our storage unit, even commented yesterday, "Geez, how much stuff can you pack into that 5' X 5' unit?" Mr. D is a master organizer, so we've managed to store a TON of stuff, and still have some quality room to work with.

I decided against the Clomid this month. I went back and forth, trying to decide if I should put my body through it once again, and finally decided against it. It just freaks me out. Plus, with the HSG coming up this week, I kinda wanted to give my body a break. I feel good about that decision. I just hope I can ovulate this month without it.

From now until Thursday, Mr. D and I are crazy getting ready for the "for sale" sign to go in our front yard. We are praying that this place sells... fast.

I'll post after my HSG on Thursday. Wish us luck!

NOTE: I was reminded the other day by one of my good friends who knows about our infertility process that, in so many words, people have way bigger problems than not being able to get pregnant and I should consider myself lucky if this is one of our biggest struggles. The point of this blog and me sharing our story is to be able to vent about this emotional process, not to give the impression that our problems are any worse or larger than other people's issues. So, if you stumble upon this blog, or read my posts and think I am complaining about problems that are tiny in the grand scheme of things, please know that following this journey with me is completely voluntary, and my point of writing is very selfish... it's for ME to express MY feelings - NOT to belittle anyone else's bigger problems.