At 9:30 a.m. this morning, I was enjoying an iced coffee on the sofa with a good friend of mine at Caribou Coffee. I was sitting back, relaxing, smiling, and listening to her tell me, with bright blue eyes and a huge smile, "I think we both really like each other!"
My good friend, K, met a boy online, and they've been dating for a couple weeks. So cute. It made my day to listen to her. I love that she said "I think we both really like each other"... not "I really like him!" Remember that feeling back when you were dating, and you thought, "gosh, I think he likes me... I sure like him, so I hope he likes me." My friend, K, was so cute, and... in love, I think :)
At 9:44 a.m., my phone rang. I recognized that phone number in an instant... my Doctor.
K is one of the 4 friends I have that know about our struggles with infertility. I quickly said, "That's my Doctor's office," and K totally understood. I answered, and quickly ducked out of Caribou to chat. I had called her two days ago to discuss the results of my HSG last week (given I was pretty out-of-it when the results were explained to me, as I had just come out of a seizure about 3 minutes before seeing the X-ray, and Mr. D was completely dazed by just happened to his wife). My Doctor was returning my call.
After being totally sympathetic and super-nice about asking me how I was feeling after my horrible HSG experience last week, she got down to business.
Basically, in so many words, she told me: A) I have a pretty majorly blocked left fallopian tube that is pretty-well illustrated on the X-ray, B) I need a laparoscopy to clear out the tube, C) I have a less-than-50% chance that one of my eggs can actually float down my tube to be fertilized (on top of the 20% chance that we would even conceive in a given month), and D) other than performing the laparoscopy, there wasn't much more she could do for me.
She told me I have two options at this point:
1. Schedule a laparoscopy with her. I need to research this more... I know a little about this surgery, but need to learn more. I know it's common amongst us infertiles, but I need to learn more about what's in store. Not that I have a choice... if I need to do it, I will... but still, I need to digest what this means for me.
2. Take her advice from my June appointment, and establish a relationship and appointment with an RE. She said, "I'm telling you this as though you are my friend... you need to see an RE. There's not much more I can do to help you get pregnant." She continued to say that the RE would likely order a laparoscopy on my first appointment, and that I should call and schedule with her so that I can save $$ (my Doctor is cheaper than the RE). She said, "I can't wait to see you again once you're pregnant!"
Yuck. I called Mr. D and told him all about the conversation. He was at work, so our conversation was pretty short and to-the-point. But, although short, he knows how bummed out I am... and I could feel the fact that he knew how I felt over the phone. He is sad with me, but also looks on the positive side of this, and he helps me to know that this whole infertility thing is not the only thing running our lives.
So, yes, this sucks. It blows and I feel defeated. But, what do I do? I want to punch a wall and cry at the top of my lungs, but I am also numb and feeling like I don't give a shit.
I know women go through this all the time, so I don't mean to think I-am-the-only-one.
I just keep thinking... why didn't we try to start having babies WAY before we actually wanted them?
Anyway... that's my rant for the day.
Back to the beginning of my post, I can't help but smile thinking about what it's like to truly be smitten with someone. K is so cute and happy... I love when people feel good. Mr. D makes me smile and I am so glad one of my friends is smiling about her new boy.
I'm telling you this as though you are my friend... if you don't have it already, find a way to be loved and in-love. It's a pretty cool feeling. :)