The Journey to a Little One to Call Our Own

One gal's experiences dealing with IF, pregnancy, the birth of our first son, parenthood, and doing it all over again with our second son... here is our journey.

Monday, August 30, 2010

I'm Back... for a Short Time

Hello long lost blog friends!

I've only been gone for a couple weeks, but it sure feels longer. We had a sudden surge in our internet connection, and we have internet at home for one day... lucky me, lucky me.

Here's the updates:
- AF arrived with a BANG last Friday. I mean, DAMN... one of the worst cycles ever. I was tired, crabby, and crampy, and then she showed her lovely self. WONDERFUL.
- No trying to conceive until after surgery, which is now scheduled for September 16.
- We pick up our U-Haul tomorrow at 1 p.m. (Mr. D and I are both working 1/2 days tomorrow), and it's game on. We have Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday, and Thursday until noon to get everything moved, cleaned, and situated. Closing is at 4 p.m. on Thursday, and after that, I will be drinking a few cocktails to celebrate.

I've been keeping up with all my blog friends, and even though my firewalls at work won't let me post anything on Blogger, I am thinking of you all!

I'll be back on in a few days. 'Til then, peace out...

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Taking A Short Hiatus

As Mr. D and I prepare for our big move in less than 2 weeks (OMG - I have so much to do before we move and officially close!!), our home internet service will be shutting off. I chose not to renew for the 10 days that we will be in transition (our computer will be packed up over the weekend, anyway), so we will not officially have internet back up until September 2. I have not been without home internet in over 12 years, so this will be interesting. I can still check up on all of my friends' blogs while I am at work, but I won't be able to post anything new on my own blog. :(

So - farewell, blog friends... only for a couple weeks, if that. Best wishes and baby dust to all!

Mrs. D

Monday, August 16, 2010

Pre-Op Appointment

It's official. I'm moving forward with the laparoscopy.

My operation date and time is being scheduled as I type, but it will either be September 15 or 16. Two days off work for sure, and Mr. D has to stay with me for 24 hours after surgery.

I saw my Doctor today (who is 36 weeks pregnant, and won't be able to perform the surgery since she will be on leave... sad for me, because I love her) for a pre-operation appointment. The check-up showed, again, that I am totally healthy, so I guess this is just the next step. She explained that, given her conversations with Dr. E., we are probably looking at a tubal removal as worst case scenario. I had to sign something stating that I was okay with this. I guess I'm not really okay with it, but I approve them doing it if it needs to be taken out. It just feels weird signing away my left tube... it felt like signing my debit card receipt for money being taken out of my checking account. Best case scenario is that absolutely nothing is wrong and the HSG took care of pushing out whatever is/was in my left tube. I'm praying that it's an all-clear.

I'll post once I figure out which day surgery will be.

If you haven't checked out my blog friend, Jes', blog... you must. She is doing this super-fun, 30-day, "get to know all about me" activity that I love. It's been so fun getting to know someone who I automatically feel this sense of closeness to, given our like situations. I might be borrowing the idea soon so that anyone checking in on my blog can get to know me a little better :)

Hope everyone's having a great week!

Friday, August 13, 2010

The Only Thing That I Can Think Of That Would Suck When Being Pregnant

Not drinking.

I know that makes me sounds like an alcoholic (and, please trust me... I am not), but, OMG, does my glass of Shiraz taste AMAZING right now.

The whole thought of not drinking when pregnant does not sound like fun. Mr. D and I are very social drinkers... we have a glass of wine with dinner, or a couple drinks when out with friends. We don't have a drink every day, but here and there. I've heard from pregnant women that having a drink doesn't even sound good while they are preggers. I have no idea what that would feel like... a drink almost always sounds good to me! I guess it's all about the sacrifices.

Mr. D is out of town this weekend for a softball tournament. And, so, tonight, it's me - already in my pajamas with no makeup, my little doggie in my lap, a marathon of VH1 reality shows, and a bottle of wine.

Let the good times roll...

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The Lists

So many things going on right now... a lot of good, a lot of bad.

There's so much going on in my life right now, and so many things swirling around in my head. I feel like I need to get it out somehow. Here is just a partial list of things I am thinking about today (I'll limit it to the top 10 in each category):

1. I love Mr. D more than anything.
2. My dog is hilarious, sweet, soft, and my little, cuddly buddy.
3. My family... some are crazier than others, but overall, they love me and I love them.
4. My friends. Praise the Lord that I have such great friends. Amazing. They've been here for me through the thick of my infertility issues... and, amazingly, they're still here.
5. Our jobs. Work is BUSY, but we love what we do, and we are fortunate.
6. God. Seriously, I was never one to be super-religious, but Mr. D and I have made a concerted effort in the past year or so to become closer to God. We go to church, pray more frequently, talk about the Lord's plans in our lives, and for once in my life (I feel terrible actually admitting this)... I love going to church.
7. The fact that our house sold... quickly. Seriously, what a blessing in this horrible market.
8. My coffee mug in the morning. Man, does Folgers taste good on the way to work.
9. The fact that Mr. D drops me of right in front of my work in the morning... I refer to it as the Princess Dropoff.
10. SUNSHINE. Thank goodness for midwest summers. We get the most extreme of all 4 seasons.

The BAD:
1. Figuring out all of this house-related stuff. Closing paperwork, banking statements, Realtor fees... and oh, yeah, actually PACKING and PHYSICALLY MOVING. I've said it before and will say it again... our next house will be the one I live in forever... I never want to do all this again.
2. Not being able to conceive. Seriously, how the hell do women get pregnant on their first try, or when they are not even trying? I totally don't get it.
3. The fact that I haven't been the best friend to many people in my life. I know why I've been distant (aka: all this infertility shit), but I haven't been totally transparent with some friends who I think may have a "need to know" at this point. I need to think about this some more.
4. When I find out my dog had an accident on the floor after a mid-day thunderstorm when I arrive home in the evening from work. Sigh.
5. When I buy a cheap bottle of wine, thinking I got a great bargain, only to discover it tastes like crap (not many wines, in my opinion, taste horrible... so when I find one that does, I am totally bummed).
6. I haven't been on vacation since my miscarriage in Mexico. Needless to say, I have GREAT memories of that lovely trip.
7. I need to lose 10 pounds and it makes me crabby.
8. I get over 200 e-mails at work a day... how's a girl to keep up?
9. I have one great car, and one not-so-great car. Why did we buy the not-so-great car that keeps making strange noises? Not sure.
10. I am not a mother yet, and it is the worst feeling wanting something so badly, and feeling absolutely, completely helpless. To my knowledge, every other thing I've ever wanted in my life could be achieved... for a price (a house, a personal sacrifice, a career, an education, a decision, etc.). Although I would give anything to have a baby, I just can't obtain motherhood. Yet.

So, there are my random thoughts for the day. Hope every one's having a great week :)

Sunday, August 8, 2010

A Break

I never quite understood when I read other women's blogs and they said they were "taking a break" from TTC. That never made sense to me... how could you take time off from attempting, and why would you do that? Always seemed like a waste of time to me.

And then I found myself putting my foot in my mouth, because it kinda feels like that's what we're doing.

Mr. D and I have had the most crazy couple of weeks. I got back from a week in CA for work on Friday night, just in time for Mr. D to head out of town for a couple days for a double-bachelor party/golf outing. He comes back on Wednesday, only to head out again on Friday until Sunday for state softball. Between all of this, our house looks completely empty, and our poor dog looks like he has no idea why his world has been turned upside down.

So... I guess we are kind of on a break. I don't even know if Mr. D and I will be in the same city when I ovulate this month, and for the first time in over a year, I am not tracking a damn thing.

And it feels good. It is so liberating to not document temperatures, pee-stick results, and random feelings throughout the month. Just let it happen if it's meant to be.

Sunday, August 1, 2010


Amongst all of the craziness with packing up our house and getting ready to move (one month from now, we will be in the new place!), our first RE appointment was on Friday. Mr. D and I both took a 1/2 day from work, and arrived for our 9:45 a.m. appointment right on time.

We had to fill out and send in paperwork prior to our appointment (probably around 20 pages of information... no joke), so I thought we would check in and be good to go. Wrong. About 10 more pages of information needed to be filled out, so after we gathered the paperwork, a glass of tea, and a couple pens, we walked into the waiting room.

HOLY CRAP... there must have been at least 15 people in this small waiting room. Most women were with men, but some were alone. When we walked in, everyone looked up. All I could think was, "these people know exactly why we are here... damn you, infertility." I quickly reminded myself that there are a LOT of reasons people see REs, so there was no way these people could pin-point why we were there... and they could probably care less.

On top of there being a ton of people and little room for Mr. D and I to sit together (which, we needed to, in order to fill out this paperwork and exchange information), the most awkward thing happened. I made eye contact with a guy from my work who used to be my client. OH MY GOODNESS was that weird. He was sitting with a woman (I am sure it was his wife), and it was a super-quick reaction for both of us to look away from each other just as quickly as we made eye-contact. I made it my promise not to let myself catch another glance to ensure it was him. I know it was him. He was equally as caught-off-guard as I was. I kept whispering to Mr. D to look over there, and he said that the guy kept trying to catch a glimpse. He's a super nice guy, and already has a little girl. I started wondering why he would be in a RE office, and then remembered about 6 months ago when he shared with me that his wife was pregnant. I saw him about a month later, and asked if he was getting ready to be a father to Baby #2, and he looked super sad and told me that they lost the baby at about 8 weeks. They were probably asking a lot of the same questions we have been asking, and I felt sad that he was in that waiting room.

I guess everyone needs some kind of help once in awhile.

So, 9:45 approaches, and our names are called. We were greeted by the nicest, sweetest woman who I was sure was a nurse. Nope - it was our RE, Dr. E. She brought us back to her comfy office so that she could get to know us. We talked, shared our story, and looked at diagrams of the woman's body. I shared my HSG story with her, and she said that in the 23 years she had been practicing, she has performed about 5 HSGs a week. She said she could count on one hand the number of people who had passed out during the procedure, and one person who had a seizure. Her eyes were very big when I was sharing the story, and she was so apologetic that it was such a horrible experience.

She pulled up the pictures of my HSG on her computer, and we all talked about next steps. Basically, she thought that the results from my HSG were inconclusive. Because I started the seizure during the procedure, the decision was made not to push any more dye through my tubes. Dr. E thought that, because another attempt wasn't made, it made the HSG inconclusive. Maybe my left tube is blocked, maybe not. She thought that because my right tube is totally fine, the dye "took the path of least resistance" and just went through the right side because it was easier.

She said that sometimes another shot of the dye pushes through the other side, but if blocked, maybe not. So - I have two options: repeat the HSG or have the laproscopy surgery. I told her that I would be fine with either option, but she said that given how my first HSG went, she wouldn't even go that route, because I may end up needing surgery anyway. If my left tube is indeed blocked, she said that she wants my regular Dr. to remove it, which totally freaked me out. She calmed me down by explaining that if my left tube is indeed blocked, it is probably the main culprit in why I am not pregnant yet. When we talked about my miscarriage, she said for all she knew, it could have been an ectopic pregnancy, which wouldn't happen if I have a healthy tube. She also said that, if I had stones in my gull bladder, we wouldn't even consider NOT removing it. Dr. E said that one healthy tube is better when TTC than one healthy and one unhealthy tube. I understood where she was coming from, so if it is indeed blocked, it will be taken out.

She said to schedule the surgery. I am supposed to go back to my OB to have the procedure done... preferably not this week, but the next. We might wait until next month, though. I am in California all this week for work, and Mr. D will be out of town for the next two weekends. Plus... we need to move out of our house by the end of the month, and I will need all the strength I have to help move things. Dr. E said that the surgery will require a couple days off work and that I will be pretty sore (she said it will feel like I did 2000 sit-ups the day before), and that I will need Mr. D around to help me out. I hear back from my regular Dr. tomorrow regarding her scheduling availability, but I think I am going to wait until September.

After our meeting, I went to get blood drawn so that they can analyze how healthy my eggs are. Crazy that they can determine the healthiness of my eggies through a blood test, but hopefully we hear back that my eggs are still good.

Then, I got to experience my first ever internal ultrasound. Dr. E wanted to check out my follicles, given I was on CD 2 (yes, I had an internal ultrasound while on the rag... it absolutely grossed me out, but the technician assured me over and over that she sees women who are on their periods all the time).

Mr. D and I stared at the goofy machine that looked like a bunch of moving globs as the tech and Dr. E exchanged medical speak ("4 milligrams to the right, 8W with a LP 49." What? Seriously??). After they were done talking mumbo-jumbo for about a minute, Dr. E looked at me and said, "You are completely healthy. You have 10-12 follies on each ovary that look beautiful, and I can't see a blockage on your left tube. That doesn't mean it isn't blocked, and you still need to get the surgery done, but from what I can see, you have a very healthy body." What she said next stunned the hell out of me:

"Through our treatment plan, it will be more likely that you'll conceive twins than none at all. Don't worry... we'll get you pregnant. Your body is perfect to carry."

That made me feel really good. Through all of this infertility hell, I've been holding my breath, just waiting for some medical professional to tell me that my chances are slim to none. But Dr. E is confident, and that makes me confident.

So, my next appointment with Dr. E is after the surgery.

Thanks to everyone for their prayers and warm wishes. I feel like we're getting one step closer every time one more appointment goes by, or one more procedure takes place. In the meantime, we'll just keep tryin'... :)