Healing

Ahhh... the power of rest. The doctors sure know what they are talking about when they say to drink lots of fluids and get plenty of rest.

Just been hanging out, not doing much, but letting my body recuperate. I slept pretty much all day on Friday (thanks to some wonderful pain relievers), slept a lot on Saturday, and had my first outing to Cub Foods on Sunday. Probably shouldn't have pushed it and left the house, but I needed to get the heck out off the couch. I paid for it, though - I was pretty uncomfortable and ended up laying on the couch all night after the quick outing.

I am working from home today and feeling much better after another night of sleep. My boss knows about my surgery and has been super cool about letting me do whatever I need. So, I am taking it easy and will probably be ready to go back tomorrow. My incisions are looking good, and my stomach is less bloated and is deflating after having gas pumped into me during the procedure. I keep asking Mr. D., "do you think my stomach looks smaller than yesterday?" Of course, he tells me that he can tell a difference, but I am thinking that he is just being nice :)

Enjoy the week... autumn has sure arrived where we live, with lovely colors, leaves starting to fall, and crisp, cooler air to match. I am praying that the change of season means a change of luck in our TTC efforts and a little one will be on his/her way soon.

One Huge Sigh of Relief

Thanks to everyone for their prayers and thoughts! I received so many nice e-mails... I really, really appreciate the support.

The lapraoscopy is over. Here are the highlights:
- Went in to the hospital with Mr. D @ 9:15; went through pre-op procedures
- Was dressed and on a hospital bed by 10:00
- Met about 20 nurses, doctors, anesthetists. I shed a few tears out of nervousness.
- Got an IV, got wrapped up in super warm blankets
- Mr. D came up to meet my primary Dr. and surgeon, we were both explained exactly what to expect
- At 10:40, gave Mr. D a kiss and was wheeled into Operating Room #7
- Moved from warm comfy hospital bed to cold, small skinny surgery table
- Was given medicine through my IV to relax, and I don't remember anything after that...

2 hours and 20 minutes later:
- Woke up in recovery room
- Dazed on-and-off for about an hour - several nurses and my Dr. came in to talk with me, and I barely remember what was said
- At 2:00 p.m., moved to stable recovery, where Mr. D came up to be with me
- Dr. had already had a consultation meeting with Mr. D, so he knew all the specifics and had some pretty nasty internal pictures of my reproductive system to show me
- Couldn't be released until I could pee, which took about 2 hours. I had a catheter during the procedure, so I had to prove that I could pee normally. I had nausea on-and-off the whole time in stable recovery... threw up Saltines and water twice.
- Was released at about 4:30, and I was home in bed by 5:00 with some pretty impressive pain, but also some pretty impressive painkillers.

Now for the good news :)

I still have both tubes. When Dr. went in, she said the right one was more dilated and open, so when she shot the dye up both tubes, just like with my HSG, all dye spilled out the right. She used another instrument to (sorry, TMI here) clean out my left tube and shoot more dye through. It worked! So, dye was shooting out both, which means that both are in functioning, healthy order.

Mr. D. said he was nervous after I went into surgery. My Dr. had said that if everything looked good, she would come talk to him about an hour after surgery. If there was more work to be done (aka: tube removal, problems that required longer procedures), it could be anywhere from 1-3 hours. The Dr. went to talk to Mr. D about an hour and 15 minutes after surgery, so he relaxed and knew everything was going to be fine.

No endrometriosis or adhesions anywhere, which was what my Dr. thought she would find. I am left with two incisions: one in my belly button and one about 5 inches lower... right where (again, sorry TMI) your pubic hair would start.

I'm feeling okay...my right shoulder KILLS (I guess that is the gas trying to "escape" my body... weird, but normal), and my tummy hurts more today than last night.

I'm off to catch some ZZZZs.... thanks again to everyone for their prayers!

XOXO

Getting Ready

I feel as though I've been absent lately. Ugh. Absent from my blog, thoughts, life... everything.

It's been such a weird time for me.

Surgery on Thursday. I had my physical this morning and blood drawn... overall, I am healthy, thank goodness. Not that I would have thought anything else, but it's all solidified and confirmed now.

I'll blog after surgery... Mr. D and I have to be at the hospital bright and early Thursday morning.

Now more than ever, I am looking for prayers. Please keep us in your thoughts as we pray for a great outcome, easy recovery, and easy road to conception.

It's A Private Matter

Is it weird that I only want to share our infertility struggles with certain people? I would love thoughts on this - please post a comment! - as I contemplate who really needs to know about our private issues.

Only a few people in my personal life know about my blog. I only wanted to share it with select people who I know, and let other bloggers stumble upon it. The friends with whom I shared our journey are my true, closest friends in life.

Guess who knows nothing about my blog, our issues, or attempts at next steps? Not my mom, sister, or any family members.

I've been sharing more and more with my co-workers. I wonder sometimes if this is because my co-workers are kind of like a pseudo-family, but not close enough to me, by any means, to be really a part of my family and friend network.

Because I had to abruptly change the pre-scheduled two days off of my work schedule due to my upcoming surgery, there were a few eyebrows raised. And for those who I felt should know, I shared. Oddly enough, it wasn't even tough for me... I just straight out shared what is going on. I told about 4 co-workers this week - whom I trust - about the high-level struggles we've had. And it felt so good to share. It's like a weight is lifted from my chest every time I share... not because they feel sad for us - that's not what I want at all - but because they might actually feel for us. For them and for me, it's no longer a secret, and it feels good.

So, why has it been hard to share with family? Not really sure, but it just has.

As I've been preparing for next week, I've been thinking a lot (as with any surgery), "what if something goes wrong?" Now, I am truly not paranoid. I know I will be fine. I highly doubt I will die while under the knife, but of course, these things cross my mind... they cross everyone's mind when they are put under. Sure, I'll be nervous, but not too freaked out.

But what if something happens to me during the procedure, and Mr. D needs to get in touch with my parents. Or sister. Or his parents. Or his sister.

None of them know.

Of course, the worst scenario plays in my head... Mr. D has to make the dreaded call to my parents to let them know that I went into surgery and things didn't go well. Nobody in our families would even know I was having surgery in the first place, let alone that I was under-going a procedure on my fallopean tube. I think my family would be devastated that I didn't tell them.

I would love your thoughts... anyone out there who is close to their families and had to think through how/when to tell them just enough information so that they know what you're going through?

Slight Change of Plans

Okay, so slight change of plans. Because AF showed up (thank you so much, AF, for your lovely arrival at the absolute worst time... only 14 days earlier than normal, which never happens), my surgery had to be pushed out. I had my pre-op on Monday, and just about started crying when my Doctor told me that we would have to push out the procedure. I just want all of this to be done, and now we're pushing it out.

But, thankfully, they were able to get me in next week. So, I have my last pre-op physical on Tuesday morning, and then surgery is Thursday morning. I feel terrible, because Mr. D can almost always get out of work, but he has a huge meeting on Thursday that he really shouldn't miss. But, what could we do? It was either take my Doctor's opening on the 23rd, or wait until November (she's on vaca for 2 weeks, and booked the other two weeks in October). So, Mr. D is missing his meeting and taking the day off with me. Even though I feel bad, I know there's not much I can do about it, and this is our decision, not just mine. And, I can't imagine not having him there.

So, let's try this again :)

WTF

Ugh.... AF surprised me out of nowhere and showed up today. SWEET... right before my week of getting things fixed. It's only Day 17 of my cycle - what the heck?

Pre-op appointment tomorrow at 8:30 a.m., and I think we will have to push my surgery to next week given today's delivery of nature's crappiest gift.

I'll post once I learn more.

September 10

I realized I’ve been pretty pessimistic in my posts this week… and I guess it’s for good reason.

September 10. Today would have been the due date for our child.

Although I didn’t carry past 8 weeks, I know the pregnancy was real, and that I was due to deliver our baby today. I was pregnant at one time and I lost the baby.

After I miscarried, when I went in for my tests to figure out what was going on, I asked my Doctor over and over, “I really was pregnant, right? Are you SURE I was pregnant?”

Even though I proved it to myself time and time again through several HPTs, I needed a Doctor to tell me for real.

The two responses I received were somewhere along the lines of:

From my Nurse: “Oh, yes, honey, you just miscarried before we could monitor it.”
From my Doctor: “You were pregnant but lost the baby. We need to figure out why.”

I’ll never forget the feeling of relief… as crazy as that sounds. The pregnancy was real… and an actual medical professional told me so. I wasn’t imagining things, I really HAD gotten pregnant. I actually conceived – I didn’t just dream up all of those positive pregnancy tests I had shoved in front of Mr. D’s disbelieving eyes.

But, I lost the baby, damn it. My dream-come-true… okay, OUR dream-come true… was stripped from our hands. I still can’t completely comprehend it.

Nine months later, we are still trying to figure out why I couldn’t carry the baby, and why it’s been so hard to conceive again.

We don’t have the answers to either of those, but we will someday.

I have faith.

The Club

If you're just starting to TTC or have already successfully carried and delivered a baby, you really have no idea what it's like to be in The Club. Please trust those of us who struggle, count yourselves extremely lucky that you don't know what it's like to associate with The Club.

You probably have a tough time understanding or associating with us, and it's okay. We understand. And, for those of you who have offered genuine support to those of us who struggle, thank you.

Over a year ago (realistically, more like two years ago), I didn't know what to do - emotionally, in my heart-of-hearts - when we started to realize that we were having issues trying to have a baby. I turned to the internet as a dazed, confused, hurt, emotional wreck, for support.

And, oh my goodness, did I find support. That's when I realized the power and support of The Club, and how much I had in common...

We want nothing more in life than children.

We want to experience the feeling of seeing a positive pregnancy test and keeping that new life alive inside of us.

We want to share in the secrecy of the miracle with our significant other, and embrace in the future we already can see with our amazing gift.

We want to take pre-natal vitamins because we actually have a new life inside of us, not just because we are trying to have a baby.

We want to share the news with our friends and family when the time is right... and share in their excitement.... oh, how I've personally longed for that moment.

We want to see an ultrasound with a baby inside our body and shed tears when we see the first heartbeat.

We want to feel the "butterfly" feelings that all of our friends have told us about, who, by now, have already experienced such joy... sometimes several times.

We want to decorate a nursery and buy baby clothes, furniture, and bottles.

We want to register at Target, Babies R Us, and all the other baby stores.

We want to have a baby shower... for us, this time - not one that we throw for others.

We want to carry a baby to term.

We want to experience contractions.

We want to see our significant other get nervous as we tell them "honey, it's time" as we grab our already-packed overnight bag and rush to the hospital.

We want to deliver our child and hold them for the first time.

We want to name them and tell everyone about the birth of our new little one......

We want nothing more than to be parents.

My hope is that more women find out about us... this amazing club that has oh-so-helped-me-with-my-sadness.

It helps to write everything down, blog, and have others soak in my feelings... and I hope I have been that for others who may be struggling.

The Things People Say Sometimes Hurt My Feelings

So, I've noticed lately that more and more people are saying weird, random things to me, like:

- "Oh, you'll be so happy if you ever have kids." [insert skeptical look directed at me here]
- "I'm not making any assumptions about you having children some day... I'm just saying..."
- "So, how long have you been married now?" [insert their confused look of 'oh, wow, you should totally have kids by now']
- "Yeah, we waited two whole years after our wedding before even trying for our first. And, you've been married for how long now?"

This all became reality for me today, when my co-worker was telling me all about bringing her son to his first day of pre-school this morning. She said to me, "When you finally get to experience what it's like to drop your child off at the first day of school, you'll totally know what I mean. I guess, that is, if you plan to have kids someday. Either way, it's totally cool. It's okay not to have kids, too, you know."

Shit. This is not what was supposed to happen.

I used to think that people were just fishing when they asked me about kids to find out:

A. What our plans are for starting a family
B. If we want kids at all
C. If I was pregnant

I've always had the following vague, general-type-of-responses to comments/questions from friends and family:

A. 1-2 years after we got married.... "Not today! Maybe someday, but not at this moment... cheers!" as I raised a glass of wine in the air to toast
B. 2-3 years after we got married... "I'm not sure... maybe some day!" as I question why this process has taken so damn long
C. "We would be happy to have kids if we are meant to be parents!" as my heart secretly breaks and I shed tears later on once I'm alone or with Mr. D

Recently, these same people are asking questions that are much more inquisitive in nature. I know they are innocent inquiries, and people who truly care for me.

These are people who have absolutely no idea what we are going through emotionally, physically, and mentally.

Maybe I'm imagining it and they truly are just asking innocent questions.

Or maybe they know, inherently, deep down in the pit of their subconscious, what we are going through.

Either way, I feel like a wounded girl. It sucks. Why is this so hard?

Losing Control and Being Okay With It

I've blogged before about feeling like all of this is out of my hands, and the fact that I have to come to terms and feel okay with it. I've always believed it, but really haven't truly grasped the concept until lately.

I am a spiritual person. Mr. D and I believe in God, were both raised Catholic, and go to church on Sundays (except for this last Sunday... sorry, God). We're not perfect - not even close - but we love each other, our families, and God. I know that God's ultimate plan is totally not in my control, but until recently, I never really, whole-heartedly gave up my own personal attempts at having control.

The past two months - specifically the past two weeks - have been incredibly trying on Mr. D and me (thankfully, Mr. D and I continue to prove to each other that we were meant to be, as we've pushed ourselves beyond our own comprehension in all aspects of our lives... I love that guy so much). Last Thursday, with my hand grasping Mr. D's, we forked over a LOT of money to get out of a shitty mortgage in a place we never should have bought in the first place 5 years ago. We saved our butts off in the past few years and know that this is the right decision for us. We are temporarily living in a rented condo - about one mile from Mr. D's work, and 5 miles from mine... BONUS! - until we can save a few more dollars to purchase next spring. This is all part of Mr. D and my master plan, as the housing market continues to drop and we can afford to make pricey, and profitable, decisions.

My point is this: Mr. D and I have this fantastic plan of how this is all going to work. We are over 1/2 way accomplished, and we both have been looking at each other with wide, astonished eyes, thinking, "holy crap... this is actually going to work!" But what if things don't work out? What if my intentions aren't in God's master plan?

Kind of like my intentions of having children. I certainly didn't know it would take us this long to have a baby. But, had we gotten pregnant and had a child, I'm pretty sure our plans of getting out of our house and purchasing our dream place next year wouldn't be as attainable... or would at least take us a lot longer to achieve.

I think back to when I miscarried last January. I will never know why I wasn't able to carry that baby, who would be due this Friday on September 10. But I do know that our lives would be different... in so many ways. Maybe it was all part of the larger plan that God has in place for us. Maybe He knew that it wasn't the right time.

I am feeling more and more comfortable with this whole TTC thing being out of my control. It sucks, but I am coming to terms with it. When I got my period two weeks ago, I barely thought anything of it (okay, that's not true, but at least I didn't take 14 pregnancy tests and think about the potential baby in my tummy every waking moment).

I am no longer in control with infertility and when/if I will ever be a mother.

I am letting it go, and I am okay with it. What's meant to be is meant to be.

I'm Back :)

FINALLY... I am back. After what has felt like weeks without internet access (really, it's only been 6 days), I am finally back online again. I hope my blog buddies haven't forgotten about me :)

The big move is over. Mr. D and I officially moved from our old house, closed, and moved to our temporary spot for a few months before our next move in early 2011. We started the whole process around 11 a.m. on Tuesday, and got everything fully situated in our new place this evening around 8 p.m. I won't get into the boring details, but holy crap, is moving a tiring process. I am so glad it's all over for now. The next move will be to the home Mr. D and I want to be in forever... literally.

I will post more now frequently that I am back up and running on Blogger. Nothing new on the TTC front... and by nothing new, I mean that it's basically the same ol', same ol' story... not expecting a baby, so on to the next steps of another RE appointment, the laparoscopy, and potential tube removal. Sounds like fun, right?

Happy Labor Day to all :)