So, I've noticed lately that more and more people are saying weird, random things to me, like:
- "Oh, you'll be so happy if you ever have kids." [insert skeptical look directed at me here]
- "I'm not making any assumptions about you having children some day... I'm just saying..."
- "So, how long have you been married now?" [insert their confused look of 'oh, wow, you should totally have kids by now']
- "Yeah, we waited two whole years after our wedding before even trying for our first. And, you've been married for how long now?"
This all became reality for me today, when my co-worker was telling me all about bringing her son to his first day of pre-school this morning. She said to me, "When you finally get to experience what it's like to drop your child off at the first day of school, you'll totally know what I mean. I guess, that is, if you plan to have kids someday. Either way, it's totally cool. It's okay not to have kids, too, you know."
Shit. This is not what was supposed to happen.
I used to think that people were just fishing when they asked me about kids to find out:
A. What our plans are for starting a family
B. If we want kids at all
C. If I was pregnant
I've always had the following vague, general-type-of-responses to comments/questions from friends and family:
A. 1-2 years after we got married.... "Not today! Maybe someday, but not at this moment... cheers!" as I raised a glass of wine in the air to toast
B. 2-3 years after we got married... "I'm not sure... maybe some day!" as I question why this process has taken so damn long
C. "We would be happy to have kids if we are meant to be parents!" as my heart secretly breaks and I shed tears later on once I'm alone or with Mr. D
Recently, these same people are asking questions that are much more inquisitive in nature. I know they are innocent inquiries, and people who truly care for me.
These are people who have absolutely no idea what we are going through emotionally, physically, and mentally.
Maybe I'm imagining it and they truly are just asking innocent questions.
Or maybe they know, inherently, deep down in the pit of their subconscious, what we are going through.
Either way, I feel like a wounded girl. It sucks. Why is this so hard?