I've blogged before about feeling like all of this is out of my hands, and the fact that I have to come to terms and feel okay with it. I've always believed it, but really haven't truly grasped the concept until lately.
I am a spiritual person. Mr. D and I believe in God, were both raised Catholic, and go to church on Sundays (except for this last Sunday... sorry, God). We're not perfect - not even close - but we love each other, our families, and God. I know that God's ultimate plan is totally not in my control, but until recently, I never really, whole-heartedly gave up my own personal attempts at having control.
The past two months - specifically the past two weeks - have been incredibly trying on Mr. D and me (thankfully, Mr. D and I continue to prove to each other that we were meant to be, as we've pushed ourselves beyond our own comprehension in all aspects of our lives... I love that guy so much). Last Thursday, with my hand grasping Mr. D's, we forked over a LOT of money to get out of a shitty mortgage in a place we never should have bought in the first place 5 years ago. We saved our butts off in the past few years and know that this is the right decision for us. We are temporarily living in a rented condo - about one mile from Mr. D's work, and 5 miles from mine... BONUS! - until we can save a few more dollars to purchase next spring. This is all part of Mr. D and my master plan, as the housing market continues to drop and we can afford to make pricey, and profitable, decisions.
My point is this: Mr. D and I have this fantastic plan of how this is all going to work. We are over 1/2 way accomplished, and we both have been looking at each other with wide, astonished eyes, thinking, "holy crap... this is actually going to work!" But what if things don't work out? What if my intentions aren't in God's master plan?
Kind of like my intentions of having children. I certainly didn't know it would take us this long to have a baby. But, had we gotten pregnant and had a child, I'm pretty sure our plans of getting out of our house and purchasing our dream place next year wouldn't be as attainable... or would at least take us a lot longer to achieve.
I think back to when I miscarried last January. I will never know why I wasn't able to carry that baby, who would be due this Friday on September 10. But I do know that our lives would be different... in so many ways. Maybe it was all part of the larger plan that God has in place for us. Maybe He knew that it wasn't the right time.
I am feeling more and more comfortable with this whole TTC thing being out of my control. It sucks, but I am coming to terms with it. When I got my period two weeks ago, I barely thought anything of it (okay, that's not true, but at least I didn't take 14 pregnancy tests and think about the potential baby in my tummy every waking moment).
I am no longer in control with infertility and when/if I will ever be a mother.
I am letting it go, and I am okay with it. What's meant to be is meant to be.