I had lunch yesterday with a work friend of mine, A. She is two weeks away from her due date and about ready to pop. Not pregnant, she is about 5'7" and naturally thin at maybe 125 lbs. She is the perfect, beautiful pregnant woman with a round basketball-shaped belly. After she talked for awhile about doctor appointments, the nursery, and plans for rushing to the hospital to deliver, she asked me the question all of us IFers don't always know how to answer:
"So, when are you guys planning on having kids?"
It was the first time I have been asked this question while pregnant. I didn't know exactly what to say. I did kind of want to share my news with her, since I won't see her for a couple of months when she goes out on leave. So, I told the truth:
"Well, actually, soon... I'm pregnant!"
She was super excited... after freaking out, asking how far along I am, etc., I shared with her that I am not sharing with many people until after the first trimester, as we've lost through a miscarriage, and it's been a really long, tough road to conceive. This was her next comment:
"Yeah, I know people who have lost, and it's no fault of your own. It's God's way of saying that the baby wouldn't have lived a healthy life. And I know a lot of people who have gone through infertility... I could share a lot of stories."
For some reason, I had to stop myself from going into defense mode. I reminded myself that A was only being supportive and kind, but I wanted to scream, "Do you KNOW what we've been through? I know more about miscarriage, pregnancy, and infertility than you'll EVER know, so don't try to tell me your thoughts on stuff that I've actually gone through that you have never had to deal with."
Of course, I didn't say that. I brushed it off and changed the subject back to my pregnancy and not the loss, but I seriously don't think I'll ever shake the fact that IF will always be a part of my life. I need to assume positive intent when people make comments, and not get so internally defensive.
I think about what I will be like when I am in my second and third trimesters. I have always been so sensitive to women who talk non-stop about being pregnant, resting their hands on their giant belly. I just know that I will be conscious of who is around me when I say things about the baby, being pregnant, etc. I think it's a sensitivity chip that those of us who have dealt with infertility don't ever lose... and I think it's a good thing. It reminds me that there are so many of us who have experienced the same struggles, whose hearts break when they have to listen to a story about breastfeeding or picking out the car seat. Not to say I am not excited for all of these things... I totally am, and can not wait. But because IF will always be engraved in my heart, I will choose my comments and actions carefully and tactfully.
In ICLW news, I officially dropped the ball this month. Seriously, I think I checked out two new blogs and commented on only a few of my blog buddies' posts. I promise to be better next month :)
Mel will be posting the Creme de la Creme list on January 1! I am so excited to check out the posts... it's my first time participating, and I am already planning my day around being next to my computer.
And... instead of a New Years' Resolution, I will be posting my personal Start, Stop, Continue list on January 1. Stay tuned!
Mr. D and I have a wedding tomorrow, 12/31, and will be ringing in 2011 at a local reception site. Not quite sure yet how I am going to hide the fact that I won't be drinking. But, I've covered it pretty well over the holidays at several family get-togethers, so hoping I can pull one or all of the following tricks:
- Have Mr. D drink his cocktail 1/2 way and then switch with me... continue as the night progresses
- Pretend I am sipping wine by just touching it to my lips, but not actually drink it
- Dump most of it out in the sink/toilet
- Dump the beer out of a bottle (or have Mr. D slam it) and fill with water
Here's to 2011... it's going to be a GREAT year! Not just for us, but for my blog friends, too... I can just feel it :)
XOXO
Mrs. D
Great post. I agree that people who have not been through IF cannot fully understand the pain. We can try and explain it as much as we want, but they won't get it. So you are right to assume that the intention behind it is a positive one. Thanks for the reminder! :)
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