For awhile now... a long while, really... this whole IF thing has been catching me off-guard. Or, maybe I have just been telling myself that it has.
For months... years, actually... I have been tricking myself into believing that "it's just this month that it didn't work", or "everything's going to be fine next time around" and "it will work next month." I would modify a slight step in our process, cross my fingers, and hope for the best. But after everything's been tried, time and time again, I now realize that I have been trying to talk myself out of IF... like everything will just work on its own. But, I know deep down that it's just not going away.
Every month had a reason, and I chalked it all up to random excuses to pacify my aching heart and confused mind:
- I probably didn't track well enough...
- Maybe we didn't have sex on the right day...
- Maybe I ovulated during a different day this month...
All the excuses in the book that all of the best-of-the-best-IF-gals have had. But I do need to face it. We really do have a medical condition, and that is IF.
It's late in the month, with no confirmed ovulation, no AF, and nothing really with this whole stupid, horrible process to look forward to. We really just need to bite the bullet and start injections, but I've been talking myself out of it... kind of like I think things are "just going to work out." And while I believe in miracles and that this whole IF journey is truly out of my control, I know that our chances are slim without some kind of help.
We've received help, but now, I guess we need even more.
Damn it.
It is a weird moment when you realize that this really isn't just a matter of timing but that something is really keeping this from working for you. I hope that just a little further help is all you need, though. ICLW.
ReplyDeleteI have been feeling just how you described lately. Even if we don't know WHAT is preventing us from getting pregnant, something IS wrong. I also always find a reason to rationalize why each month hasn't worked. I think it really hit me hard the other day to hear my nurse say that what we're doing isn't working. Of course I realized this, but to hear someone else say it is so hard. We just had our last IUI so we are also now at the cross-roads for needing even more help. Thanks for sharing your feelings.
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