The Journey to a Little One to Call Our Own

One gal's experiences dealing with IF, pregnancy, the birth of our first son, parenthood, and doing it all over again with our second son... here is our journey.

Monday, January 3, 2011

One Year Ago Today...

... we got our first BFP.

January 3, 2010. I'll never forget that morning. It was a Sunday, and Mr. D and I were out late the night before. I secretly snuck out of bed early while Mr. D was sleeping to pee on a stick... I just had a feeling I was pregnant. And I was. I woke Mr. D up in bed by shoving the HPT in front of his face, saying, "Look at THIS!" We ran to Walgreens and bought more tests. I think I peed on 6 or 7 tests that morning. All positive. At this point, I was not nearly as savvy as I am now... one test would have been sufficient, but I needed to prove that it was real by peeing on several sticks. Seriously, my bathroom was plastered with used HPTs in order to firm up the fact that I was pregnant. Oh, I was naive.

Several days later, I told Mr. D. "I think I should take the last HPTs to see if the lines are darker." I think I had two left. One of the tests did not show a second line. No problem, I thought... I'll just take the digital. Not pregnant. WTF. We went to Walgreens again and bought more tests... all negative. And that started the horrible process of learning that I was no longer pregnant, would lose the baby, and miscarrying in a hotel room in Mexico on a pre-planned holiday trip with my parents. It SUCKED. It also started my curiosity and research into why this happened, and infertility in general.

One year later, here I am, pregnant. I am ultra-sensitive to losing another baby, but this time it feels real. And it is real. I need to constantly remind myself that I AM pregnant and I DO need to think about our future as parents.

I wish IF never messed with my life in the first place.

On the flip side, I believe that things happen for a reason. I am stronger because of IF. If I would have carried that baby, I would already be a mom of a 4-month baby. Would life be different? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Mr. D and I never would have been able to be financially risky-but-smart this summer when we took a temporary loss on selling our house. We would still be in a community we did not love, in a house we did not love, not around family or friends. I would not have found this wonderful, supportive blogging community. I could go on-and-on... there are a million things that would or wouldn't have happened, or events we would have experienced differently if we had carried that baby to term. And if I wasn't pregnant now, I would be sad about today. Depressed. Questioning why.

But because we are expecting and preparing to bring a child into this world, I am not depressed. I am sad about how I felt and sad that I lost a baby.

But, I am excited about our future.

Things happen for a reason.

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