January 3, 2010. I'll never forget that morning. It was a Sunday, and Mr. D and I were out late the night before. I secretly snuck out of bed early while Mr. D was sleeping to pee on a stick... I just had a feeling I was pregnant. And I was. I woke Mr. D up in bed by shoving the HPT in front of his face, saying, "Look at THIS!" We ran to Walgreens and bought more tests. I think I peed on 6 or 7 tests that morning. All positive. At this point, I was not nearly as savvy as I am now... one test would have been sufficient, but I needed to prove that it was real by peeing on several sticks. Seriously, my bathroom was plastered with used HPTs in order to firm up the fact that I was pregnant. Oh, I was naive.
Several days later, I told Mr. D. "I think I should take the last HPTs to see if the lines are darker." I think I had two left. One of the tests did not show a second line. No problem, I thought... I'll just take the digital. Not pregnant. WTF. We went to Walgreens again and bought more tests... all negative. And that started the horrible process of learning that I was no longer pregnant, would lose the baby, and miscarrying in a hotel room in Mexico on a pre-planned holiday trip with my parents. It SUCKED. It also started my curiosity and research into why this happened, and infertility in general.
One year later, here I am, pregnant. I am ultra-sensitive to losing another baby, but this time it feels real. And it is real. I need to constantly remind myself that I AM pregnant and I DO need to think about our future as parents.
I wish IF never messed with my life in the first place.
On the flip side, I believe that things happen for a reason. I am stronger because of IF. If I would have carried that baby, I would already be a mom of a 4-month baby. Would life be different? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Mr. D and I never would have been able to be financially risky-but-smart this summer when we took a temporary loss on selling our house. We would still be in a community we did not love, in a house we did not love, not around family or friends. I would not have found this wonderful, supportive blogging community. I could go on-and-on... there are a million things that would or wouldn't have happened, or events we would have experienced differently if we had carried that baby to term. And if I wasn't pregnant now, I would be sad about today. Depressed. Questioning why.
But because we are expecting and preparing to bring a child into this world, I am not depressed. I am sad about how I felt and sad that I lost a baby.
But, I am excited about our future.
Things happen for a reason.