Lots is new.
Still on the 2ww. I am now 6 DPO, and fighting the good fight so that I don't start peeing on HPTs too early! Surprisingly, this time around, it's easier. We've been so busy that maybe my mind isn't as occupied. Maybe that's a good thing? Maybe not? Who knows. :)
I learned today that another one of my friends is pregnant with her first. I totally guessed it - she cancelled our lunch 2 weeks ago because she called in sick, and then today, she told me she is 10.5 weeks pregnant. When you are TTC like I am, it's AMAZING how quickly you pick up on others who are pregnant and either not yet showing and/or not yet telling people.
I am so glad I guessed it ahead of time, because before I met her for coffee today, I kept telling myself in my head, "Okay, Mrs. D., if she tells you that she's pregnant, you HAVE to show the excited emotion. You need to be SO EXCITED for her - don't let her think for a moment that you aren't thrilled for her." And I truly AM excited for her. Had I not guessed it before our coffee, I am not sure what my reaction would have been (I am sure I would have been happy, but it would have felt like a knife in my stomach).
It's just that horrible feeling of "why not me?" We've been married so much longer than they have - not that our wedding date makes us any more deserving than others. Mr. D. and I went to her wedding in Chicago in August 2008, and I'm sure people judge the fact that we haven't had children yet. Either they think: 1) you don't want children, or 2) you're having problems trying to get pregnant. I got "the look" from my friend today as I was celebrating her special news at Starbucks. It's almost like people just know...they give me this subtle look, that, to me, screams, "Oh, honey, you're having problems trying to conceive. That must really be rough." Ugh.
As if TTC isn't taking over my life, we are signing papers this weekend to put our house on the market. More to come in this area of my life, but let me just say that we haven't even signed the contract yet, and I am freaking out. What if nobody buys our house? We will know within a few weeks if our house is going to sell - Mr. D and I are prepared to put it on the market at a very low price and pay off the mortgage we owe. It's been a long time saving tons of money, but it's the right decision for us. I just pray it sells!
I seriously pray all the time. With all of these different - crazy - things Mr. D and I are both focused on, I feel guilty asking Him for everything that I want.
Instead, I ask Him for help, strength, and to guide us to make the right decisions and give us the right blessings at the right time. If that means that selling the house is the right decision right now, then I pray that the Lord will help us with that process. If it means giving us a baby, which I have dreamed and prayed for, I know the Lord will give us a child when it is the right time.
If we move forward with putting the house on the market (which is pretty much solidified at this point), I am thinking about what that would mean for my TTC efforts. I am considering taking a break... almost like a leave of absence :) I haven't talked to Mr. D about this, and have no idea what his thoughts are yet.
As I am typing this, I am sitting at my computer in my second bedroom (which I thought would have been our baby's room by now), absolutely bawling, thinking that I will be postponing my dream. But I have learned a lot about myself lately. I don't do well with not being able to get something I plan for. It's never, in my life, happened to me. I wanted a husband.... BAM, I found him. I wanted a kick-ass job in HR... BAM, I got it. I want those new stilettos at the mall... BAM, I buy them. But... I've worked my ass off for everything I've received - don't get me wrong. With hard work comes reward, and I know what I need to do in order to give myself what is yearned.
But this TTC thing is out of my control.
I am exhausted, sad, and empty more than anyone knows. It's been a really rough road, full of ups and downs, and I am really tired in so many ways. The best thing is that I put on such a great face for those around me, who have no idea that I am in so much pain.
So, as I contemplate my next steps, I pray for the following:
- ...that my 2ww will turn into a healthy, beautiful pregnancy, and I will finally have the opportunity to start the family I've prayed for and wanted for so long
- ...that God will watch over us as we make some tough decisions about our house and - if I am not pregnant - about our TTC efforts for the next few months
- ...for my well-being. Nobody in the world - including Mr. D knows how horribly depressing this whole process has been, and the toll it's taken on me as a woman. I am ready to be whole again - whether that be with baby or not.
Thanks for listening. I keep praying that THIS IS THE MONTH!!