Today was the big appointment with my Doctor. Not as exciting as I had hoped. Maybe I was expecting her to reveal the magical answer as to why I can't get and stay pregnant, which we all know is totally not possible. Overall, it was an informational appointment, but no big surprises or revelations.
First, Mr. D's analysis from his test yesterday came back "normal." Mr. D did a little fist pump in the air when he heard that news. My Doctor used the word "normal" (and actually wrote that on the test results and handed to me for my files), but when I look at his results vs. the minimum of where a guy should be (they test volume, mobility, quality, you name it), his results were actually REALLY good. So, that's a relief. Kind of feels like checking that item off the list.
So, for me. Since AF showed up and I still have my period, no tests for me today (which I didn't know until I got there, and was totally fine with). However, we have a plan of what is next. Here it is:
- Take Clomid 100 mgs again this month. I know, I know, I said that I wouldn't take anymore of that stuff, but the Doctor helped me understand why it is important and that with my upcoming tests, it would be important to ensure ovulation this month. Fair enough. I think I am just nervous because of all the things I read online about women developing ovarian cysts, thinning of their uterus' wall, etc. When I asked her about this and her opinions, she said it's totally up to me, but that I shouldn't worry, as most of those things happen to a small percentage of women. The risk, I think, is worth the reward. So, Clomid Round #4, here I come.
- Go in for an HSG test. She was pretty adamant that this happen right away, given where I am in my cycle right now, so she scheduled me on the spot for next week. I need to read up on this procedure a bit more, but she was pretty up front with me that it will be painful. Basically, they shove a catheter up my you-know-what past my cervix (which is painful part #1), wait a few moments until you are not in shocking pain, and then release a dye up through my fallopian tubes (painful part #2). She said she likes to get the dye inside as fast as possible, because women are in a lot of pain during that process. Then, they look on a sonogram to see if the dye comes out of my tubes, or hits a roadblock. Dye coming out of my tubes = good. Basically, that means that my tubes are clear, and that is one more check off the list of things that shouldn't be prohibiting us from conceiving. Dye stopping because my tube is blocked = bad... for a couple reasons. First, I guess it is terribly painful for the dye to be blocked. Basically, the tube swells/enlarges to fit all of the dye, and that results in painful part #3. Second, if my tube is blocked, we have a whole other problem on our hands that will result in another Doctor visit to talk about options (surgery, etc.) She said that sometimes, even if the tube doesn't appear to be blocked, the dye naturally washes out any mucus in the tube that may have stopped the egg and sperm to meet (I know, nasty, right?) and a lot of people have success in TTC that month because their tubes are clean. This is also why she wants me to take Clomid this month... better chances of ovulating + cleaned tubes = better chance of conception.
- Start checking out REs. Like I mentioned in my last post, I knew this would be offered as a recommendation, but for some reason, hearing from my Doctor, "I am not a specialist in fertility, there are Doctors way better than me with matters of fertility, and you should consider establishing a plan with an Infertility Clinic" broke my heart. It's like it's real now. I am officially suffering from infertility. No longer just trying to get pregnant and facing challenges, but I am now a real-life patient of infertility. It kind of stung to hear that, but it's what we needed to hear. Otherwise, we will keep chasing this dream of starting a family with no real direction.
So, Mr. D and I packed up his test results (he joked that he is going to hang them on our fridge as a job well done... who knows, maybe he wasn't kidding), referrals for an RE, several prescriptions (Clomid, pain medication for the HSG, antibiotics to take prior to the HSG), and left. I feel so weird... happy, sad, confused, and just not sure where this journey is taking us. I just can not plan this one, and it is killing me.
So, the timeline. Clomid starts next week, as well as the antibiotics. HSG is scheduled for next Thursday. My Doctor had her Nurse call her partner clinics to get me in ASAP, as she felt strongly that this test needs to happen now. Thursday, July 8 at 1:30 was the only time available all next week, so my Doctor booked it and pretty much was like, "You need to get this done... hope this date and time works for you". So, instead of a romantic dinner out on our 4-year anniversary next Thursday, Mr. D will be driving me to the clinic for the HSG, and we will probably be hanging low on Thursday night. My Doctor said I should be fine afterwards, with just a little cramping. Somehow I feel like I might be in quite a bit of pain.
That's all for now. Thanks to my couple of friends who know about this blog and journey and continue to keep updated on this blog. It is such a mental and emotional release for me to write it, and I am so happy that my couple peeps who know about this keep supporting me.
More to come as we get ready for next week. I'll write all about our HSG experience :)
Baby blessings to all....
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Some Comic Relief
Mr. D went in for his big show this afternoon. Poor guy. I was rolling laughing when I received an e-mail today around 2 p.m. that had a subject line of "Mission Completed."
When I got Mr. D on the phone, he quickly, ever-so-kindly, reminded me that I didn't give him the testing orders from my Doctor. Basically, with the testing orders, he could have walked in, been given a cup in 2 seconds, and proceeded.
I TOTALLY forgot about the testing orders. My Doctor had recommended he complete the test months ago... right around the time of my miscarriage, to be able to confirm or deny Mr. D's connection to the reason we're not able to conceive and carry. I remember her saying, "Make SURE you bring the testing orders along so that the process goes smoothly and you can get right in." Mr. D was at that appointment, too, so how both of us forgot, I am not sure.
So, what could have been a 2 minute check-in process for Mr. D turned into a big ordeal at the lab. They needed to confirm his identity, set him up as a patient, and get all of his stuff figured out. With a stern face as we were driving home from work, he tells me that the nurse had to call the central office, provide his name, and keep repeating the fact that he was there for a "semen analysis for infertility" in front of all of the patients and nurses.
I felt so bad, but was totally laughing. How freaking hilarious is that?! I can totally see this happening - right in front of other people and nurses who were like, "ooooh, I wonder what that's all about."
I kept reminding him that guys go in there all the time and to the nurse staff, you are just another face. They deal with this stuff all the time. But I still couldn't stop from giggling.
Big day for me tomorrow... wish us luck!
When I got Mr. D on the phone, he quickly, ever-so-kindly, reminded me that I didn't give him the testing orders from my Doctor. Basically, with the testing orders, he could have walked in, been given a cup in 2 seconds, and proceeded.
I TOTALLY forgot about the testing orders. My Doctor had recommended he complete the test months ago... right around the time of my miscarriage, to be able to confirm or deny Mr. D's connection to the reason we're not able to conceive and carry. I remember her saying, "Make SURE you bring the testing orders along so that the process goes smoothly and you can get right in." Mr. D was at that appointment, too, so how both of us forgot, I am not sure.
So, what could have been a 2 minute check-in process for Mr. D turned into a big ordeal at the lab. They needed to confirm his identity, set him up as a patient, and get all of his stuff figured out. With a stern face as we were driving home from work, he tells me that the nurse had to call the central office, provide his name, and keep repeating the fact that he was there for a "semen analysis for infertility" in front of all of the patients and nurses.
I felt so bad, but was totally laughing. How freaking hilarious is that?! I can totally see this happening - right in front of other people and nurses who were like, "ooooh, I wonder what that's all about."
I kept reminding him that guys go in there all the time and to the nurse staff, you are just another face. They deal with this stuff all the time. But I still couldn't stop from giggling.
Big day for me tomorrow... wish us luck!
Monday, June 28, 2010
And, That's All She Wrote in the Month of June
Well, the waiting is over. AF delivered her monthly gift this afternoon, officially leaving me scratching my head and wondering, "seriously, what the hell is going on?" We did EVERYTHING right - again - this month.
I'm not even upset. Okay, well, I take that back. I am upset. But not even close to how upset I've been in past months. I'm fed up at this point - I am feeling SO DONE with this whole TTC thing. It makes me sick.
Tuesday and Wednesday are important days in our whole TTC journey. Tomorrow, Mr. D faces the one thing he has been absolutely dreading... the semen analysis. And I don't blame him - I actually feel bad for him (that is, until I remember the months and months of peeing on sticks, timing sex, and living my life according to my CBFM and Excel spreadsheet.... then I don't feel quite as bad). But, nonetheless, I am sure it has to be super awkward to walk in, ask for a cup, and try to make it happen with a few magazines with naked chicks. He doesn't even want to talk about it.
So, that's tomorrow. Then, on Wednesday comes the fun appointment for me. I called my nurse to ask her what I should expect, and I guess it will be kind of like a consultation. Mr. D and I meet with my Doctor (who I just found out is 5 months pregnant... my nurse told me that last week during our phone conversation, and I was thinking, "oh, lovely... one more to add to the list") and talk through our "options." I think I'm the pro of knowing what my options are, so I am pretty sure they will offer us the following:
1. Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) recommendation - which is great, and I would love to see an RE for help. I'm just curious if our insurance is going to cover it, given not all medical matters of fertility are (being able to conceive is viewed as a "nice to have," not a "need to have")...
2. IUI - basically, taking Mr. D's stuff and putting it inside of me during the right time of the month - I am not so keen on this one. Let me explain. I am pretty darn sure we are nailing it on the head with regards to choosing the right time during the month to BD and attempt conception. Through my 3 rounds of Clomid and miscarriage, I know I ovulate (how regularly without the help of Clomid, I am not sure, but I still ovulate... that's what CBFM is for), and was even successful conceiving once, so not sure injecting me with Mr. D's goodies will do any good than just us doing it ourselves.
3. IVF - we are years away from even considering - or being able to afford - this option, but I'm sure it will be put on the table. If you were to ask me right now, I would probably say "no" to IVF, throw away my CBFM forever, and look into adoption.
I am done with Clomid and scared to use any more of it, so I guess I'll see what happens if my Doctor tries to prescribe it to me again. I pray that Mr. D's analysis comes back okay (or better than okay) so that we can concentrate on just me being the "problem." I just have this feeling that something is wrong with my organs, and I just want to know one way or another so we can try to fix it.
So, as this month leaves me with an empty womb yet again, at least we have some help hopefully waiting around the corner. I'll post more after our Doctor appointments once we know what's next.
Until then, peace, love, and baby dust....
I'm not even upset. Okay, well, I take that back. I am upset. But not even close to how upset I've been in past months. I'm fed up at this point - I am feeling SO DONE with this whole TTC thing. It makes me sick.
Tuesday and Wednesday are important days in our whole TTC journey. Tomorrow, Mr. D faces the one thing he has been absolutely dreading... the semen analysis. And I don't blame him - I actually feel bad for him (that is, until I remember the months and months of peeing on sticks, timing sex, and living my life according to my CBFM and Excel spreadsheet.... then I don't feel quite as bad). But, nonetheless, I am sure it has to be super awkward to walk in, ask for a cup, and try to make it happen with a few magazines with naked chicks. He doesn't even want to talk about it.
So, that's tomorrow. Then, on Wednesday comes the fun appointment for me. I called my nurse to ask her what I should expect, and I guess it will be kind of like a consultation. Mr. D and I meet with my Doctor (who I just found out is 5 months pregnant... my nurse told me that last week during our phone conversation, and I was thinking, "oh, lovely... one more to add to the list") and talk through our "options." I think I'm the pro of knowing what my options are, so I am pretty sure they will offer us the following:
1. Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) recommendation - which is great, and I would love to see an RE for help. I'm just curious if our insurance is going to cover it, given not all medical matters of fertility are (being able to conceive is viewed as a "nice to have," not a "need to have")...
2. IUI - basically, taking Mr. D's stuff and putting it inside of me during the right time of the month - I am not so keen on this one. Let me explain. I am pretty darn sure we are nailing it on the head with regards to choosing the right time during the month to BD and attempt conception. Through my 3 rounds of Clomid and miscarriage, I know I ovulate (how regularly without the help of Clomid, I am not sure, but I still ovulate... that's what CBFM is for), and was even successful conceiving once, so not sure injecting me with Mr. D's goodies will do any good than just us doing it ourselves.
3. IVF - we are years away from even considering - or being able to afford - this option, but I'm sure it will be put on the table. If you were to ask me right now, I would probably say "no" to IVF, throw away my CBFM forever, and look into adoption.
I am done with Clomid and scared to use any more of it, so I guess I'll see what happens if my Doctor tries to prescribe it to me again. I pray that Mr. D's analysis comes back okay (or better than okay) so that we can concentrate on just me being the "problem." I just have this feeling that something is wrong with my organs, and I just want to know one way or another so we can try to fix it.
So, as this month leaves me with an empty womb yet again, at least we have some help hopefully waiting around the corner. I'll post more after our Doctor appointments once we know what's next.
Until then, peace, love, and baby dust....
Thursday, June 24, 2010
I Broke Down...
... and took a HPT.
Negative.
--Sigh--
I'm 9 DPO, and although I am keeping my hopes up (and prayers, and faith, and knowledge that miracles really do happen)...
I can't help but know that this is not a good sign.
Sure, it's still possible, but the reality?
Probably not.
--Tears......--
Negative.
--Sigh--
I'm 9 DPO, and although I am keeping my hopes up (and prayers, and faith, and knowledge that miracles really do happen)...
I can't help but know that this is not a good sign.
Sure, it's still possible, but the reality?
Probably not.
--Tears......--
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
The Big Wait
Still waiting to take that HPT. I am optimistic. I felt some funny cramps this afternoon... could those have been implantation cramps? I've had a couple of other symptoms, but it's so hard to tell period symptoms from pregnancy symptoms. It's nature's little trick... to make you believe that you are feeling one over the other.
I am going out on Friday with a friend, so am planning to take an HPT on Friday. That will be 10 DPO and I keep thinking about what it will be like if that test shows a +. Oh, glory, would I be a happy girl.
Keep us in your prayers! Three more days to go until test....
I am going out on Friday with a friend, so am planning to take an HPT on Friday. That will be 10 DPO and I keep thinking about what it will be like if that test shows a +. Oh, glory, would I be a happy girl.
Keep us in your prayers! Three more days to go until test....
Monday, June 21, 2010
The 2ww, Another One is Preggers, Decisions, and more waiting....
Lots is new.
Still on the 2ww. I am now 6 DPO, and fighting the good fight so that I don't start peeing on HPTs too early! Surprisingly, this time around, it's easier. We've been so busy that maybe my mind isn't as occupied. Maybe that's a good thing? Maybe not? Who knows. :)
I learned today that another one of my friends is pregnant with her first. I totally guessed it - she cancelled our lunch 2 weeks ago because she called in sick, and then today, she told me she is 10.5 weeks pregnant. When you are TTC like I am, it's AMAZING how quickly you pick up on others who are pregnant and either not yet showing and/or not yet telling people.
I am so glad I guessed it ahead of time, because before I met her for coffee today, I kept telling myself in my head, "Okay, Mrs. D., if she tells you that she's pregnant, you HAVE to show the excited emotion. You need to be SO EXCITED for her - don't let her think for a moment that you aren't thrilled for her." And I truly AM excited for her. Had I not guessed it before our coffee, I am not sure what my reaction would have been (I am sure I would have been happy, but it would have felt like a knife in my stomach).
It's just that horrible feeling of "why not me?" We've been married so much longer than they have - not that our wedding date makes us any more deserving than others. Mr. D. and I went to her wedding in Chicago in August 2008, and I'm sure people judge the fact that we haven't had children yet. Either they think: 1) you don't want children, or 2) you're having problems trying to get pregnant. I got "the look" from my friend today as I was celebrating her special news at Starbucks. It's almost like people just know...they give me this subtle look, that, to me, screams, "Oh, honey, you're having problems trying to conceive. That must really be rough." Ugh.
As if TTC isn't taking over my life, we are signing papers this weekend to put our house on the market. More to come in this area of my life, but let me just say that we haven't even signed the contract yet, and I am freaking out. What if nobody buys our house? We will know within a few weeks if our house is going to sell - Mr. D and I are prepared to put it on the market at a very low price and pay off the mortgage we owe. It's been a long time saving tons of money, but it's the right decision for us. I just pray it sells!
I seriously pray all the time. With all of these different - crazy - things Mr. D and I are both focused on, I feel guilty asking Him for everything that I want.
Instead, I ask Him for help, strength, and to guide us to make the right decisions and give us the right blessings at the right time. If that means that selling the house is the right decision right now, then I pray that the Lord will help us with that process. If it means giving us a baby, which I have dreamed and prayed for, I know the Lord will give us a child when it is the right time.
If we move forward with putting the house on the market (which is pretty much solidified at this point), I am thinking about what that would mean for my TTC efforts. I am considering taking a break... almost like a leave of absence :) I haven't talked to Mr. D about this, and have no idea what his thoughts are yet.
As I am typing this, I am sitting at my computer in my second bedroom (which I thought would have been our baby's room by now), absolutely bawling, thinking that I will be postponing my dream. But I have learned a lot about myself lately. I don't do well with not being able to get something I plan for. It's never, in my life, happened to me. I wanted a husband.... BAM, I found him. I wanted a kick-ass job in HR... BAM, I got it. I want those new stilettos at the mall... BAM, I buy them. But... I've worked my ass off for everything I've received - don't get me wrong. With hard work comes reward, and I know what I need to do in order to give myself what is yearned.
But this TTC thing is out of my control.
I am exhausted, sad, and empty more than anyone knows. It's been a really rough road, full of ups and downs, and I am really tired in so many ways. The best thing is that I put on such a great face for those around me, who have no idea that I am in so much pain.
So, as I contemplate my next steps, I pray for the following:
- ...that my 2ww will turn into a healthy, beautiful pregnancy, and I will finally have the opportunity to start the family I've prayed for and wanted for so long
- ...that God will watch over us as we make some tough decisions about our house and - if I am not pregnant - about our TTC efforts for the next few months
- ...for my well-being. Nobody in the world - including Mr. D knows how horribly depressing this whole process has been, and the toll it's taken on me as a woman. I am ready to be whole again - whether that be with baby or not.
Thanks for listening. I keep praying that THIS IS THE MONTH!!
Still on the 2ww. I am now 6 DPO, and fighting the good fight so that I don't start peeing on HPTs too early! Surprisingly, this time around, it's easier. We've been so busy that maybe my mind isn't as occupied. Maybe that's a good thing? Maybe not? Who knows. :)
I learned today that another one of my friends is pregnant with her first. I totally guessed it - she cancelled our lunch 2 weeks ago because she called in sick, and then today, she told me she is 10.5 weeks pregnant. When you are TTC like I am, it's AMAZING how quickly you pick up on others who are pregnant and either not yet showing and/or not yet telling people.
I am so glad I guessed it ahead of time, because before I met her for coffee today, I kept telling myself in my head, "Okay, Mrs. D., if she tells you that she's pregnant, you HAVE to show the excited emotion. You need to be SO EXCITED for her - don't let her think for a moment that you aren't thrilled for her." And I truly AM excited for her. Had I not guessed it before our coffee, I am not sure what my reaction would have been (I am sure I would have been happy, but it would have felt like a knife in my stomach).
It's just that horrible feeling of "why not me?" We've been married so much longer than they have - not that our wedding date makes us any more deserving than others. Mr. D. and I went to her wedding in Chicago in August 2008, and I'm sure people judge the fact that we haven't had children yet. Either they think: 1) you don't want children, or 2) you're having problems trying to get pregnant. I got "the look" from my friend today as I was celebrating her special news at Starbucks. It's almost like people just know...they give me this subtle look, that, to me, screams, "Oh, honey, you're having problems trying to conceive. That must really be rough." Ugh.
As if TTC isn't taking over my life, we are signing papers this weekend to put our house on the market. More to come in this area of my life, but let me just say that we haven't even signed the contract yet, and I am freaking out. What if nobody buys our house? We will know within a few weeks if our house is going to sell - Mr. D and I are prepared to put it on the market at a very low price and pay off the mortgage we owe. It's been a long time saving tons of money, but it's the right decision for us. I just pray it sells!
I seriously pray all the time. With all of these different - crazy - things Mr. D and I are both focused on, I feel guilty asking Him for everything that I want.
Instead, I ask Him for help, strength, and to guide us to make the right decisions and give us the right blessings at the right time. If that means that selling the house is the right decision right now, then I pray that the Lord will help us with that process. If it means giving us a baby, which I have dreamed and prayed for, I know the Lord will give us a child when it is the right time.
If we move forward with putting the house on the market (which is pretty much solidified at this point), I am thinking about what that would mean for my TTC efforts. I am considering taking a break... almost like a leave of absence :) I haven't talked to Mr. D about this, and have no idea what his thoughts are yet.
As I am typing this, I am sitting at my computer in my second bedroom (which I thought would have been our baby's room by now), absolutely bawling, thinking that I will be postponing my dream. But I have learned a lot about myself lately. I don't do well with not being able to get something I plan for. It's never, in my life, happened to me. I wanted a husband.... BAM, I found him. I wanted a kick-ass job in HR... BAM, I got it. I want those new stilettos at the mall... BAM, I buy them. But... I've worked my ass off for everything I've received - don't get me wrong. With hard work comes reward, and I know what I need to do in order to give myself what is yearned.
But this TTC thing is out of my control.
I am exhausted, sad, and empty more than anyone knows. It's been a really rough road, full of ups and downs, and I am really tired in so many ways. The best thing is that I put on such a great face for those around me, who have no idea that I am in so much pain.
So, as I contemplate my next steps, I pray for the following:
- ...that my 2ww will turn into a healthy, beautiful pregnancy, and I will finally have the opportunity to start the family I've prayed for and wanted for so long
- ...that God will watch over us as we make some tough decisions about our house and - if I am not pregnant - about our TTC efforts for the next few months
- ...for my well-being. Nobody in the world - including Mr. D knows how horribly depressing this whole process has been, and the toll it's taken on me as a woman. I am ready to be whole again - whether that be with baby or not.
Thanks for listening. I keep praying that THIS IS THE MONTH!!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Low, low, low, high, high, high... PEAK
It has arrived, my friends. No, not AF (come on now, who would be excited about that?) .... the big O.
CBFM and I had a little heart-to-heart this morning before I peed on a stick and plugged it in. It was basically a plea to my beloved CBFM, hoping that I am not crazy, and those were in fact ovulation cramps yesterday that I was feeling.
I was right. Peak!
Of course, it was a SUPER busy day for me at work today. Since starting my new job 6 weeks ago, I have had pretty much one project... that all culminated with a huge presentation today in front of people who I planned a 3-day meeting for. Lots of important people in attendance, including a couple of high-ups in the field who flew here to participate. My boss, my boss' boss, and my boss' boss' boss were there to support (I mean, critique) me. I was in work by 7 a.m., and just got home now (8 p.m. CST), as there were social hours and dinner after the big day.
The day was awesome. Seriously, I nailed it and my boss was there to witness it. She was thrilled, and I was proud of myself. It was awesome.
But what was I thinking all day during this defining moment in my career?
"I need to get home ASAP to BD. I wonder if I should see if I can somehow go home over lunch and then come back?"
At 7:30 p.m., after dinner with my out-of-town business visitors and team, I race home, wondering the whole ride home how long it will take me to unbutton my pants and slip out of my bra.
I arrive home. Shit. Totally forgot that Mr. D has softball. I couldn't help but laugh - seriously, this whole escapade of planning is crazy!
I just called Mr. D's parents (where our dog is for the day, so I know Mr. D has to stop there before coming home), and told them to have Mr. D call me as soon as he gets there so I know what time he will be home (his cell phone battery died). My father-in-law was like, "Why? Are you okay? What's wrong?" I just shook my head and repeated my request to have Mr. D call.
So, I am at home, waiting patiently for my Mr. D. He knows it's peak, and we have at least one more BD session to do - if not one more tomorrow night. That way, all bases are covered.
Two week wait, here I come.
CBFM and I had a little heart-to-heart this morning before I peed on a stick and plugged it in. It was basically a plea to my beloved CBFM, hoping that I am not crazy, and those were in fact ovulation cramps yesterday that I was feeling.
I was right. Peak!
Of course, it was a SUPER busy day for me at work today. Since starting my new job 6 weeks ago, I have had pretty much one project... that all culminated with a huge presentation today in front of people who I planned a 3-day meeting for. Lots of important people in attendance, including a couple of high-ups in the field who flew here to participate. My boss, my boss' boss, and my boss' boss' boss were there to support (I mean, critique) me. I was in work by 7 a.m., and just got home now (8 p.m. CST), as there were social hours and dinner after the big day.
The day was awesome. Seriously, I nailed it and my boss was there to witness it. She was thrilled, and I was proud of myself. It was awesome.
But what was I thinking all day during this defining moment in my career?
"I need to get home ASAP to BD. I wonder if I should see if I can somehow go home over lunch and then come back?"
At 7:30 p.m., after dinner with my out-of-town business visitors and team, I race home, wondering the whole ride home how long it will take me to unbutton my pants and slip out of my bra.
I arrive home. Shit. Totally forgot that Mr. D has softball. I couldn't help but laugh - seriously, this whole escapade of planning is crazy!
I just called Mr. D's parents (where our dog is for the day, so I know Mr. D has to stop there before coming home), and told them to have Mr. D call me as soon as he gets there so I know what time he will be home (his cell phone battery died). My father-in-law was like, "Why? Are you okay? What's wrong?" I just shook my head and repeated my request to have Mr. D call.
So, I am at home, waiting patiently for my Mr. D. He knows it's peak, and we have at least one more BD session to do - if not one more tomorrow night. That way, all bases are covered.
Two week wait, here I come.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Insert Foot Here
Call it bad luck, call it coincidence, or call it plain old bad judgement of the conversations I hold. I don't care what you call it, but seriously, I can not get away from women talking about pregnancy.
Not that I mind talking to my friends about it. Truly - and I absolutely mean this when I say - excuse me, type - this... I love hearing from my friends who are expecting or already have babies. I love imagining them as mothers, welcoming their little ones to the world, buying baby gifts, you name it.
But what I can not avoid, for some reason, is women - non-friends - talking to me about pregnancy, childbirth, children, teething, pre-school, and being a mom.
Picture this one. I am sitting with one of my co-workers, C, this afternoon. She is SUPER nice - mid-to-late 30s, beautiful, great body, makes a great living. C has 4 little ones - ages 7, 5, 3, and 1. Two boys and two girls. And she's hilarious. I mean, this girl is always cracking jokes and often laughs about the fact that her life is totally crazy, driven by 4 active kids.
So, we're working on this project together, and we start talking about where she lives. Here was our conversation:
Mrs. D: I know someone who lives in your same town.
C: Oh, really? Who are they?
Mrs. D: You probably don't know them, but... [Mrs. D inserts names and references to people here]. They just had their second baby about 2 weeks ago. Their first kid is almost 6 years old, and it took a lot for them to get pregnant with their second.
Stop here. Damn it. I have no idea why I chose to spurt out that our acquaintences just had a second baby, let alone that it took them awhile to conceive him. I caught myself just as I was ending the sentence. Insert foot into mouth. What happened next was totally appropriate for C's response to my awkward comment, and I knew what C was going to say as soon as I finished my way-too-open-sentence.
Resume conversation:
C: Oh, that just breaks my heart. Why is it that people like me who want to have kids have absolutely no trouble getting pregnant? And I mean absolutely NO trouble... every time we wanted to have a baby, we tried and I was pregnant the next month. Then I hear about people who can't have babies or have a really tough time conceiving, and I feel so bad. My friend had a really tough time getting pregnant and every time I got pregnant, I felt so bad telling her. I know she was always excited for me, but I still felt so bad.
I stared at C for what felt like 20 minutes (I am sure it was about 2 seconds, but you know the feeling when you are in total shock). I have no idea if she has any clue that we are facing issues with infertility - but then I look at our situation from an outsider's perspective and think, "they've been married 4 years, always wanted kids, are in a really good place in their lives.... yeah, they must be having problems."
I kind of said a quick, "yeah, that is too bad" and moved right along in our project. I couldn't tell if C had any idea that she pretty much just described where I have been emotionally and physically for the past 1.5 years, but I couldn't bring myself to talk any more about it. I seriously bring this shit on myself. I mean, who starts talking about an acquaintence who had troubles conceiving to a co-worker? RANDOM.
It's tough for the TTC thing not to take over your life. My 2:30 p.m. e-mail to Mr. D had no subject line, and in the body said, "what time are you coming to get me from work, because we need to make sure we BD before your softball game."
No, "I love you honey and hope you're having a great day" or, "what should we make for dinner?" or even, "I know I've reminded you 10 times, but I'm getting kinda pissed, so make sure to call our financial planner with the questions we outlined."
It's all about the baby-makin.
My new vow to myself: figure out how not to talk about babies, pregnancy, etc. all the time. That even means with myself... I need to give my own head a break from TTC.
No O yet, but I felt some amazingly sharp, ovulation-like cramps today that must be O cramps. CBFM was still at high this morning, but I bet it will show peak tomorrow (here I go again, making bets with myself). I peed on two disposable OPKs today - one this morning and one after work. Both look kinda positive, but I think they are so hard to read. I'll wait until tomorrow to check CBFM. Either way, I know I felt O cramps, so we're putting it into high gear and BDing now and tomorrow.
It's amazing what you can feel when you are totally in tune with your body. I hope that's the same when I conceive some day.
Not that I mind talking to my friends about it. Truly - and I absolutely mean this when I say - excuse me, type - this... I love hearing from my friends who are expecting or already have babies. I love imagining them as mothers, welcoming their little ones to the world, buying baby gifts, you name it.
But what I can not avoid, for some reason, is women - non-friends - talking to me about pregnancy, childbirth, children, teething, pre-school, and being a mom.
Picture this one. I am sitting with one of my co-workers, C, this afternoon. She is SUPER nice - mid-to-late 30s, beautiful, great body, makes a great living. C has 4 little ones - ages 7, 5, 3, and 1. Two boys and two girls. And she's hilarious. I mean, this girl is always cracking jokes and often laughs about the fact that her life is totally crazy, driven by 4 active kids.
So, we're working on this project together, and we start talking about where she lives. Here was our conversation:
Mrs. D: I know someone who lives in your same town.
C: Oh, really? Who are they?
Mrs. D: You probably don't know them, but... [Mrs. D inserts names and references to people here]. They just had their second baby about 2 weeks ago. Their first kid is almost 6 years old, and it took a lot for them to get pregnant with their second.
Stop here. Damn it. I have no idea why I chose to spurt out that our acquaintences just had a second baby, let alone that it took them awhile to conceive him. I caught myself just as I was ending the sentence. Insert foot into mouth. What happened next was totally appropriate for C's response to my awkward comment, and I knew what C was going to say as soon as I finished my way-too-open-sentence.
Resume conversation:
C: Oh, that just breaks my heart. Why is it that people like me who want to have kids have absolutely no trouble getting pregnant? And I mean absolutely NO trouble... every time we wanted to have a baby, we tried and I was pregnant the next month. Then I hear about people who can't have babies or have a really tough time conceiving, and I feel so bad. My friend had a really tough time getting pregnant and every time I got pregnant, I felt so bad telling her. I know she was always excited for me, but I still felt so bad.
I stared at C for what felt like 20 minutes (I am sure it was about 2 seconds, but you know the feeling when you are in total shock). I have no idea if she has any clue that we are facing issues with infertility - but then I look at our situation from an outsider's perspective and think, "they've been married 4 years, always wanted kids, are in a really good place in their lives.... yeah, they must be having problems."
I kind of said a quick, "yeah, that is too bad" and moved right along in our project. I couldn't tell if C had any idea that she pretty much just described where I have been emotionally and physically for the past 1.5 years, but I couldn't bring myself to talk any more about it. I seriously bring this shit on myself. I mean, who starts talking about an acquaintence who had troubles conceiving to a co-worker? RANDOM.
It's tough for the TTC thing not to take over your life. My 2:30 p.m. e-mail to Mr. D had no subject line, and in the body said, "what time are you coming to get me from work, because we need to make sure we BD before your softball game."
No, "I love you honey and hope you're having a great day" or, "what should we make for dinner?" or even, "I know I've reminded you 10 times, but I'm getting kinda pissed, so make sure to call our financial planner with the questions we outlined."
It's all about the baby-makin.
My new vow to myself: figure out how not to talk about babies, pregnancy, etc. all the time. That even means with myself... I need to give my own head a break from TTC.
No O yet, but I felt some amazingly sharp, ovulation-like cramps today that must be O cramps. CBFM was still at high this morning, but I bet it will show peak tomorrow (here I go again, making bets with myself). I peed on two disposable OPKs today - one this morning and one after work. Both look kinda positive, but I think they are so hard to read. I'll wait until tomorrow to check CBFM. Either way, I know I felt O cramps, so we're putting it into high gear and BDing now and tomorrow.
It's amazing what you can feel when you are totally in tune with your body. I hope that's the same when I conceive some day.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Do I Look Pregnant, or Just Fat?
Back from the cabin. I was re-reading my last post, and I guess I owe myself $5, because I haven't peaked yet. This is the first and only time I will say this... thank goodness I did not O over the weekend. It took a lot of pressure off me to figure out how I was going to grab Mr. D and make sure we were doing our best to attempt. We actually didn't BD at all at the cabin, which was just fine with both of us... it would have been interesting to attempt sex on a creaky, old cabin bed. I much prefer my own bed.
The weekend was okay, although the sun never popped out under the thick clouds. We were with 3 other couples - two of which are currently expecting (one is who I just went to a baby shower for, and the other was the one who announced her pregnancy to friends during the baby shower... I wrote about that lovely experience in an earlier post). Momma-to-be #1 is about to pop - I think her due date is June 19, so I got to hear all about how life is going to change so much for them in a couple weeks and "oh my gosh, what if my water broke at the cabin?", and on-and-on-and-on. She actually was pretty calm over the weekend, and I am excited for her to welcome her son in the next couple weeks.
Momma-to-be #2 was flat-out annoying, and asked me straight out at least two times, "Do you think I look fat or do I look pregnant?" She's at that awkward stage of being somewhere around 16 weeks, so you could really go either way. My first - polite - answer to that stupid question was, "Oh, I think you look fine - by the way, I really like your shirt" - total line of BS. Mr. D read right into that one as I caught him smirking. When she asked me the same question a couple hours later, when I had a few cocktails down, my response was a bit more irritated. I think I said something to the effect of, "Did you just seriously ask me that again? I don't know if you look fat or pregnant. Who cares?" Maybe that wasn't the nicest response, but I couldn't help it. That was only night #1 up at the cabin, and I was already sick of her ensuring the waiter brought her "VIRGIN bloody marys" and explaining to the waiter that she and the other woman are expecting. Barf. I can see myself being that excited and talking to Mr. D about it, but in front of other couples? Annoying.
I was exhausted this weekend. I think all of the pressure of TTC, monitoring, testing, etc. is really making me tired. On top of listening to pregnant women gush about how excited they are as they rest their hands on their bellies, I was not in the mood to party. I was in bed each night by 10:00 - beating both pregnant women and the others to bed each night. I didn't care. I needed rest.
So, still waiting on the big O. It really should be here any day now, so Mr. D and I had our little fun this afternoon after getting back from the cabin. Given I was on Clomid 100 mgs this month, I would be shocked if I don't O, but of course now I am second-guessing everything. Oh, well, it will all happen in due time.
The weekend was okay, although the sun never popped out under the thick clouds. We were with 3 other couples - two of which are currently expecting (one is who I just went to a baby shower for, and the other was the one who announced her pregnancy to friends during the baby shower... I wrote about that lovely experience in an earlier post). Momma-to-be #1 is about to pop - I think her due date is June 19, so I got to hear all about how life is going to change so much for them in a couple weeks and "oh my gosh, what if my water broke at the cabin?", and on-and-on-and-on. She actually was pretty calm over the weekend, and I am excited for her to welcome her son in the next couple weeks.
Momma-to-be #2 was flat-out annoying, and asked me straight out at least two times, "Do you think I look fat or do I look pregnant?" She's at that awkward stage of being somewhere around 16 weeks, so you could really go either way. My first - polite - answer to that stupid question was, "Oh, I think you look fine - by the way, I really like your shirt" - total line of BS. Mr. D read right into that one as I caught him smirking. When she asked me the same question a couple hours later, when I had a few cocktails down, my response was a bit more irritated. I think I said something to the effect of, "Did you just seriously ask me that again? I don't know if you look fat or pregnant. Who cares?" Maybe that wasn't the nicest response, but I couldn't help it. That was only night #1 up at the cabin, and I was already sick of her ensuring the waiter brought her "VIRGIN bloody marys" and explaining to the waiter that she and the other woman are expecting. Barf. I can see myself being that excited and talking to Mr. D about it, but in front of other couples? Annoying.
I was exhausted this weekend. I think all of the pressure of TTC, monitoring, testing, etc. is really making me tired. On top of listening to pregnant women gush about how excited they are as they rest their hands on their bellies, I was not in the mood to party. I was in bed each night by 10:00 - beating both pregnant women and the others to bed each night. I didn't care. I needed rest.
So, still waiting on the big O. It really should be here any day now, so Mr. D and I had our little fun this afternoon after getting back from the cabin. Given I was on Clomid 100 mgs this month, I would be shocked if I don't O, but of course now I am second-guessing everything. Oh, well, it will all happen in due time.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Planning
It's cycle day 15, and no peak yet. I always get a little nervous around this cycle day each month... are we BD'ing enough? Am I allowing enough time between "sessions"? Am I going to O this month? It turns into a game of planning... calendars, schedules, tests, everything. If my calculations are correct, I should be ovulating on Saturday or Sunday.
A few months ago, we found out that the annual trip we do each year with our friends up north (imagine cabins, a lake, pontoon, bars that are on the lake.... it's so much fun) has been scheduled for this weekend. Great. That means that, between the beers, outdoor time, BBQs, and time spent with friends, I will need to whisper in Mr. D's ear that "it's time", and we get to quietly BD on a old-school cabin full-size bed with itchy sheets and a horrible mattress. All this time, we will be doing our best to not make any noise and make it quick... after all, our friends will be thinking, "are they seriously getting it on in there?" Embarrassing.
Hopefully the big O surprises me and shows up early - as in, tomorrow or Friday. Or, I would be equally as happy if the big O showed up on Monday or Tuesday. But, just my luck, I will put $5 on the fact that my lovely CBFM will show that beautiful, holy peak right when we are ready to jump on the pontoon for the day. Mr. D is prepared and knows that I am expecting to O this month at the worst time possible, but we are totally at the point of just shrugging our shoulders. All of our meticulous planning hasn't got us anywhere yet, so maybe by just letting it happen this month, it will work to our benefit!
The every-other night BD thing is working really well so far (or, at least, allowing 48 hours between BDs). Without giving too much detail, I will just leave it at that. The experts know what they are talking about when they advise to give your man a day to "rest".
Here's to a peak.... soon!!
A few months ago, we found out that the annual trip we do each year with our friends up north (imagine cabins, a lake, pontoon, bars that are on the lake.... it's so much fun) has been scheduled for this weekend. Great. That means that, between the beers, outdoor time, BBQs, and time spent with friends, I will need to whisper in Mr. D's ear that "it's time", and we get to quietly BD on a old-school cabin full-size bed with itchy sheets and a horrible mattress. All this time, we will be doing our best to not make any noise and make it quick... after all, our friends will be thinking, "are they seriously getting it on in there?" Embarrassing.
Hopefully the big O surprises me and shows up early - as in, tomorrow or Friday. Or, I would be equally as happy if the big O showed up on Monday or Tuesday. But, just my luck, I will put $5 on the fact that my lovely CBFM will show that beautiful, holy peak right when we are ready to jump on the pontoon for the day. Mr. D is prepared and knows that I am expecting to O this month at the worst time possible, but we are totally at the point of just shrugging our shoulders. All of our meticulous planning hasn't got us anywhere yet, so maybe by just letting it happen this month, it will work to our benefit!
The every-other night BD thing is working really well so far (or, at least, allowing 48 hours between BDs). Without giving too much detail, I will just leave it at that. The experts know what they are talking about when they advise to give your man a day to "rest".
Here's to a peak.... soon!!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Not Alone
There are so many people in the same boat as us. Wow. Comfort isn't in the numbers of women who are struggling and numerous stories of TTC. Comfort is knowing that there is a huge community of people who sincerely care about sharing their story (ups, downs, you name it) and allowing others to share in their excitement, grief, and frustration of this process. This blog never would have came to be if I didn't turn to my computer and think, "there have got to be other people experiencing this... I want to find them."
One blog I ran across is on my blog list of ones I follow: http://fertilityfrenzy.blogspot.com/. I don't know what it is about her blog, but Dana, who writes about her struggles to become and stay pregnant (and is now expecting), really captured my attention. I don't know her, and probably won't meet her, but just by her sharing her story, I feel like I am engaged in her journey. And that's what this whole blog adventure is about.
I hope that if others stumble upon my blog, I am an inspiration to them to share their story. TTC is the most private experience, and if you are like me, the last thing you want to do is blab your plans and attempts to everyone you know. But, sharing your story in some form is healing. Or, at least, I have personally found this experience to be a good outlet for me. I can count on one hand the number of people in my life who know that I have this blog... and that number includes Mr. D and myself. Maybe at some point I will want to share with my family and friends, but not yet. It's still sensitive enough to Mr. D and me that I don't want to share with my acquaintences. But sharing it online only helps me gain support and a sincere, humble, reassuring sense of "I am not alone."
One blog I ran across is on my blog list of ones I follow: http://fertilityfrenzy.blogspot.com/. I don't know what it is about her blog, but Dana, who writes about her struggles to become and stay pregnant (and is now expecting), really captured my attention. I don't know her, and probably won't meet her, but just by her sharing her story, I feel like I am engaged in her journey. And that's what this whole blog adventure is about.
I hope that if others stumble upon my blog, I am an inspiration to them to share their story. TTC is the most private experience, and if you are like me, the last thing you want to do is blab your plans and attempts to everyone you know. But, sharing your story in some form is healing. Or, at least, I have personally found this experience to be a good outlet for me. I can count on one hand the number of people in my life who know that I have this blog... and that number includes Mr. D and myself. Maybe at some point I will want to share with my family and friends, but not yet. It's still sensitive enough to Mr. D and me that I don't want to share with my acquaintences. But sharing it online only helps me gain support and a sincere, humble, reassuring sense of "I am not alone."
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Pre-pregnancy Weight?
As I've mentioned, I've been reading a lot. Something that I've come across in my research is a concept that I think is really interesting... pre-pregnancy weight, meaning the pounds women put on as they are attempting to conceive. Think about the Freshmen-10 that you were scared shitless to gain your first year in college... kinda the same concept.
I've totally noticed I've put on weight. Probably 10 pounds or so since December (I rarely weigh myself, but can tell when my clothes fit differently). Ten pounds on me doesn't look all that different on me to most people though - being 5'7", it's one of the nice things about being a taller woman. Ten pounds doesn't look like ten pounds on a 5'2" woman. But regardless, I've put on a little bit of weight.
The more I thought about it in my own situation, it totally makes sense. It's not that I've stopped exercising and became a couch potato eating Doritos every night (although that does sound good), but it's almost like I've been trying to prep my body for a baby. I can't explain it, but I know subconsiously I've been holding out on as much exercise as I should get because I'm trying to "lay low" and relax. I smirk at this, thinking, the cardinal rule of becoming pregnant is to be healthy - in your relationships, body, mind, etc. Maybe I need to focus on the 'body' part of that equation.
So, what did I do this weekend, after I came to the realization that I am indeed packing on the pre-pregnancy pounds? In true Mrs. D style - balls to the walls, so to speak - I worked it this weekend. Oh, yeah, I felt it afterwards, too. Miles of outdoor running on Saturday, miles of outdoor running on Monday, golfing on Monday, lots of walks. I actually feel guilty right now that I am sitting at my computer, sipping on wine, and typing... i should be outside running!
So - my commitment to myself is to my own body, not only for a body that I hope to grow inside of me someday (although that would be a great outcome, too). At work, we focus on the five components of well-being, which I love (check it out... it's based on a great book/author - Well Being: The Five Essential Elements). Health, community, social, financial, and career are the components we work with at my workplace. At first glance, sure, it seems like I've got a good handle on these factors. But really... I could do better in all of these components.
And while I have plans in place to tackle almost all five, I am going to place special focus on the health component, which is made up of physical, spiritual, and emotional well-being. After all, it's not only really good for me and in my best interest, but our little one will benefit at some point, too.
I've totally noticed I've put on weight. Probably 10 pounds or so since December (I rarely weigh myself, but can tell when my clothes fit differently). Ten pounds on me doesn't look all that different on me to most people though - being 5'7", it's one of the nice things about being a taller woman. Ten pounds doesn't look like ten pounds on a 5'2" woman. But regardless, I've put on a little bit of weight.
The more I thought about it in my own situation, it totally makes sense. It's not that I've stopped exercising and became a couch potato eating Doritos every night (although that does sound good), but it's almost like I've been trying to prep my body for a baby. I can't explain it, but I know subconsiously I've been holding out on as much exercise as I should get because I'm trying to "lay low" and relax. I smirk at this, thinking, the cardinal rule of becoming pregnant is to be healthy - in your relationships, body, mind, etc. Maybe I need to focus on the 'body' part of that equation.
So, what did I do this weekend, after I came to the realization that I am indeed packing on the pre-pregnancy pounds? In true Mrs. D style - balls to the walls, so to speak - I worked it this weekend. Oh, yeah, I felt it afterwards, too. Miles of outdoor running on Saturday, miles of outdoor running on Monday, golfing on Monday, lots of walks. I actually feel guilty right now that I am sitting at my computer, sipping on wine, and typing... i should be outside running!
So - my commitment to myself is to my own body, not only for a body that I hope to grow inside of me someday (although that would be a great outcome, too). At work, we focus on the five components of well-being, which I love (check it out... it's based on a great book/author - Well Being: The Five Essential Elements). Health, community, social, financial, and career are the components we work with at my workplace. At first glance, sure, it seems like I've got a good handle on these factors. But really... I could do better in all of these components.
And while I have plans in place to tackle almost all five, I am going to place special focus on the health component, which is made up of physical, spiritual, and emotional well-being. After all, it's not only really good for me and in my best interest, but our little one will benefit at some point, too.
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